MovieBob - Intermission
I (Also) Wrote That Crap

Bob Chipman | 18 Jan 2013 12:00
MovieBob - Intermission - RSS 2.0

About two months back, I offered up a combination column/ritual self-cleansing called "I Wrote That Crap," a recap of my own less-than-successful adventures as a wannabe screenwriter. It seemed to go over pretty well, and since we're still locked in the January doldrums where the only thing harder to find than interesting films is interesting film news, I figured it was as good a time as any for me to dive back into Les Archives Du Bob and see what other mild embarassments* I can purge from the old system.

This time around, I've opted to keep things on theme to a certain extent: The three would-be masterpieces I'll be recounting this time are all A.) horror films and B.) were at various points "passion projects" that I was absolutely certain would help to launch me as an independent writer/director of note. The idea of that makes me cringe, to an extent, though not nearly as much as realizing that the last known revision date on at least one of these things was as recent as 2006.



So, once upon a time as a young kid, I happened upon the amusing factoid that - because of their ability to turn large areas into wetlands and even lakes by damming rivers - beavers are the second most ecologically-transformative/destructive creature on the planet other than humans. It struck me as the kind of thing that would be plastered on the poster for (or gravely intoned by a scientist character in) one of those "killer animal" movies. Seemed like a slam-dunk to me, so I spent several years on-and-off trying to find a storyline to plug the hook of a tiny-monsters-on-the-rampage flick a'la Critters but starring a population of man-eating beavers who built dams from the bones of their human victims.

Even the inevitable tagline seemed to write itself: "It's DAM Scary!"

Since I went back to this one so often, there were a bunch of different drafts and outlines, the only constant being the killer beavers themselves, the bone dams and illegal toxic waste dumping as the culprit for turning the beavers evil. Most of the versions that got close enough to completion to have an ending would've climaxed with the surprise emergence of a grizzly-sized Queen Beaver, and would've included a subplot wherein one of the secondary good guys survives a beaver attack but finds himself slowly transforming into a Were-Beaver.

The most recent(ish) attempt was written to take place in rural Montana, and involved a hotshot big city lawyer being called back home to defend his stereotypical "wacky hillbilly" childhood pal from a murder charge that he swears was actually committed by killer beavers. Before departing, our hero establishes himself as a badass by defeating an angry ex-client rapper named Ice Blokk and his entourage by pulling the gold chains from Mr. Blokk's neck and using them like nunchucks (presumably, my plan would've been to have Blokk's posse turn up in Montana later on to provide more beaver fodder).

Hillbilly Sidekick would also be established as a proud master-craftsman of potato guns, the "weaponized-vegetable" aspect of which would end up endearing him to the genre-mandated Professor's Daughter, a militant vegan. These weapons would, of course, be used to ultimately bring down the Queen Beaver.

Incidentally, also (re)discovered in the same place as "Beavers" was a mockup concept poster for a hypothetical "giant killer bumblebees" movie on similar lines, notably featuring the taglines: "Bee Afraid!" and "There's No Place Left To Hive!"

*Unless, of course, you happen to be a movie producer who somehow considers any of this schlock to be worth optioning for real. MovieBob's opinion may not be for sale, but I assure you his dignity very much is.

Comments on