MovieBob - Intermission
That Won't Be in the Movie

Bob Chipman | 25 Jun 2010 12:00
MovieBob - Intermission - RSS 2.0

As has been discussed ad-naseum, Hollywood in this tenth year of the 20th Century is all about adaptations. From comics and cartoons to breakfast cereal and boardgames, there's nothing you can't put on film... except, apparently, original screenplays or videogames from before 1998.

The thing about adaptation, though, is that franchises tend to come with baggage - especially if they've lived through "interesting times." Changing social mores, rotating creative teams and the occasional bout of inexplicable bad judgment have left more than a few famous characters with the franchise fiction equivalent of a hastily-chosen tattoo that will definitely be getting covered up for their big screen debuts.

And thus, submitted for your amusement and/or abject horror, a brief sampling of movie adaptations both prospective and forthcoming - and the stuff they probably won't be bringing with them to a theater near you.

Superman Dated a Mermaid

By now, even casual fans are aware that prior to Lois Lane, the Man of Steel was partial to one Lana Lang - yet everyone forgets about Lori Lemaris, the one "in between". (What is it with the initials L.L. and Superman? Lex Luthor, too...)

Introduced to the Superman mythos in issue #129 (1959), Lori was Clark Kent's college sweetheart, a wheelchair-bound fellow student. That's right: A man who can fly loves a girl who can't even walk - beat that, Stephanie Meyer! Superman actually proposed to this one, but her secret made that impossible. As it turns out, Lori wasn't precisely crippled - her ever-present blanket wasn't covering withered legs but rather a big floppy fish tail. Yes, she was a mermaid, and had to head back to the sea.
How this story never made it onto Smallville, I honestly have no idea.

Wonder Woman Is a Golem

You could probably do this whole article just on Wonder Woman, honestly.

Primarily famous as the inventor of the polygraph, psychologist-turned-Wonder-Woman-creator William Moulton Marston (1893-1947) was also a radically ahead of his time social theorist. Along with living (quite publically) in a polyamorous relationship with his wife and their girlfriend (in the 1940s!) he believed that women would soon become the dominant of the two sexes as technological advancement made homemaking and childcare less time consuming. He saw his groundbreaking superheroine as a vanguard, helping to prepare young girls - and boys - for the coming matriarchy. To that end, he set her origin among the Amazons of Greek myth, a more female-friendly alternate ending to the legend of Hercules and Hippolyta.

However, as you've noticed that we are currently not living under neo-Amazonian rule, it can be said that he didn't have a gift for foresight. Having set up WW as the Amazon queen's daughter, it later had to be squared with reader queries about where a daughter comes from on an all-female island utopia where men are forbidden. The solution? Maternally-inclined Amazons make babies out of clay, then ask Athena to bring them to life. So yes, Diana and all the other 2nd-generation Amazons in DC Comics are made of clay.

Superman Also Made a Sex Tape

Let's just get this out of the way: I am not making this stuff up.

In Action Comics #592 and 593, Superman is hypnotized by the villain Sleez. What evil does he plan to do with the strongest man on Earth under his total control? He makes him perform in a dirty movie with the (also hypnotized) wife of fellow hero Mr. Miracle, so they can send him a copy and mess with his head. Really.

Keep in mind: This was a two-part story - which means it was submitted and approved for publication twice.

Comments on