Extra Punctuation

Extra Punctuation
Keeping Batman Original

Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw | 12 Nov 2013 12:00
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Crime Doctor

This bloke leaped out at me because it bugs me that he didn't think to call himself 'Doctor Crime' instead. Although his 'thing' is that he's doctor first and crime second, requiring him to immediately interrupt his crimes if someone's health is endangered. So this is a villain who you can defeat by getting your cape caught in the door, tripping and cracking your head open on the brickwork.
Mandatory Arkhamverse Grittification:
A mad doctor in blood-splattered scrubs would fit fairly easily into the Arkhamverse, and the presence of Crime Doctor could explain why every criminal Batman beats to a pulp seems to be back on the street within minutes. Except he probably uses really gritty and weird things for his medical supplies, like six-inch nails instead of splints, and instead of bandages, strips of paper with swear words written on them.


See, here's Silver Age comics writing at its finest, people. We need an idea for a new Batman villain, one that continues the tradition of holding up a dark mirror to our brooding hero. Hey, look what happens when you shift the first letter in 'Batman' one space over in the alphabet. So of course this uncreative fuck dresses exactly like Batman with different colours and cat emblems and uses tools with 'cat' in the name. Good thing he picked Batman for his adversary, 'cos if he'd picked The Flash he'd be called 'The Clash' and his gimmick would be based around 1970's first-wave British punk music.
Mandatory Arkhamverse Grittification:
I may have been beaten to the punch on this one, because apparently Catman in comic continuity these days is a gritty anti-hero mercenary type. This is the fate of all goofy Silver Age cuddly gimmick villains who survive to the present day and don't just become psychotic murderers. Although in an Arkham game he would probably have to lose the cat-themed footie pyjamas in favour of maybe a tiger skin cloak with the head for his mask, and a pair of fuzzy lion slippers. With angry faces.

Crazy Quilt

Almost certainly the product of a writer close to deadline, lying awake at night trying to think and eventually looking down at their bedding, Crazy Quilt is a dude who wears a really colourful outfit, in stark contrast to Batman's eternally dowdy ensemble. Christ knows how the Joker ever won the role of arch-nemesis over this guy. He's obsessed with committing colour-themed crimes and his only superpower is wonky vision, apparently. Actually, like all Batman villains, his real superpower is being a nutter. I think the Gotham Care In The Community program involves being given a themed weapon and a team of henchmen in co-ordinated outfits.
Mandatory Arkhamverse Grittification
In the Arkhamverse, Crazy Quilt will have mastery over every single colour that exists, which is to say, dingy brown, dingy blue and dingy green. Also, he'll have stitched patches into the flesh of his torso for no apparent reason. His secret weapon is to reveal his secret patch that is coloured a clean, vibrant pink that isn't the slightest bit dingy, and which will consequently blind everyone in the room.

Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn't talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com.

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