I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you, viewers. And I know I do that all the time, considering that every single one of my videos has been the worst yet according to at least one of its comments, but you'll be disappointed in a slightly different way this time. I know I usually do a video on E3, but I don't think I'm going to be able to do one this year.
Partly because E3 started on a Tuesday, which is the day after I write the script for the following week's ZP, so I couldn't write about it while I didn't own a Tardis. Secondly, while there's usually a bit of a release lull around this time of year that accommodates some nice timely hype-bashing, that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm looking at the release schedule and wondering how I'm going to fit them all in as it is.
And really, sometimes I get the impression that everyone's kind of down on me this time of year when we're all supposed to be full of hope and joy for the wondrous upcoming future and all I want to do is bring you all down to my dreary, pungent level. But I guess that's exactly why I have to do it. Hype is a destructive thing that gives you expectations that can't possibly be fulfilled. E3 is like the second evolved form of a hype-type Pokemon and needs to be strongly counteracted. So I'm going to cover it here, in Extra Punctuation, not just this week but the next. Next week will cover the third party titles, but for now we'll talk about the Big Three.
I guess the other reason I'm not doing an E3 video this year is because it mostly wasn't very interesting. We already knew Nintendo were going to announce their new console and I already figured Microsoft and Sony weren't yet ready to admit that their various motion control ventures weren't exactly setting the gaming world ablaze, and so they'd just keep trying to get their investment back.
Still, plenty of ammunition on all sides, so let's start with the big one - Nintendo, and the Wii U. Now, I promised myself I wouldn't harp on this too much, but after the first big joke of the Wii, that being that it's basically a childish slang word for urine (and/or a small and unsatisfying penis depending on your region), I think they're just trying to bait us now. I mean, look at all the things you can do with Wii U. Wee On You. Wee Poo. Pee-yu.
Here in Australia there's a popular ice cream brand called Golden Gaytime, which advertises itself with the slogan "It's hard to have a Gaytime on your own!" Now, obviously there were people at the agency who realized that this could be interpreted as talking about buttfucking. I very strongly suspect that they did it deliberately so that people who think they're smart will tweet it to all their friends to show how they're so smart to have been the only one to notice it, thus ensuring that the brand name gets around one way or another. And I wonder if Nintendo aren't doing the same thing. I hope they bring one out called the Wii You Us so I can call it the Wee Poo Arse.