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LoveFAQ is a weekly advice column for geeks, by geeks about love, life and maxing out your romance meter. Got questions for LoveFAQs? Send them to [email protected].
Dear Love FAQ,
I had too much to drink one night and cheated on my girlfriend of one year. I felt terrible and hoped it would never come out, but eventually of course it did. We didn't talk for a while, and we broke up.
Eventually I rang her up and begged for forgiveness. She was wary at first, but eventually accepted. I was over the moon; I had gotten back the woman I loved after making the worst mistake.
Here comes the problem: Whilst we weren't going out, she had seen someone else. I can't claim to be happy about it, but I deserved it. We're back together now, but every now and again, she'll start talking about him just to annoy me, especially when I'm out of the country for work. She says it's all I deserve, and that she could be seeing him behind my back and I would never know.
Today I rang her up, and she said she had a friend round and couldn't talk. Am I going mad? Am I just jealous? Or is this normal?
Please help me,
Wish I Had A Save File To Go Back To
Dear Save File,
Apologies are nice, necessary even; but they don't actually fix anything. Just because you said you were sorry once doesn't mean all was forgiven - or forgotten.
Right now, it sounds like the two of you don't trust each other, you don't respect each other, and you're only together because it's easier to hurt one other this way. Do you still love her? Or are you staying with her out of guilt, and the need to feel punished for what you've done?
If you don't know which it is, ask yourself this: When you say you committed "the worst mistake", do you mean cheating on her? Or not coming clean about it at once?
Because while cheating sucks, I guarantee it was your deception about it that left the lasting mark-slip-ups happen, but lies are what destroy trust, not mistakes. Love can move past this, but masochism will keep you obsessing over that sin forever.
If you want to save this relationship, you and your girlfriend need to have a long talk-many of them, most likely-about the root causes of your original break-up. Saying sorry doesn't fix it. Both of you need to acknowledge and accept your roles in contributing to this disaster, and start working together to rebuild the trust that you've lost. Else, just cut your losses, save yourself the heartache, and call it quits for good.
One final point: You don't get to be in a huff over whatever she did while the two of you were broken up, unless you've gotten herpes as a result. It isn't your business. Let it be.