Love FAQ

Love FAQ
Sex Doesn't Just Happen

Lara Crigger | 9 Dec 2011 12:00
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LoveFAQ is a weekly advice column for geeks, by geeks about love, life and maxing out your romance meter. Got questions for LoveFAQs? Send them to [email protected].

Dear LoveFAQ,

I seem to have somewhat bad luck with relationships. The women I have relations with, despite them saying "I want to take it slow", all end up initiating sex, mounting me multiple times within the first few weeks. Then they cut off contact with me shortly after. While most men may envy my situation, I yearn for companionship, and to be completely honest, I don't enjoy sex that much.

With my last girlfriend, everything was going great, and about a month into the relationship, we had sex. Needless to say, we did have fun. Unfortunately, the following week she stopped replying to my messages, and she dumped me by text, giving no real reason.

As this was the fourth time this had happened to me, I called her out on it and she admitted she "just wanted to have fun with me and not get into anything serious." I was pretty hurt.

I am getting tired of being used "for fun". What can I do to break the cycle?

Mr. Instant Gratification

Dear Gratification,

If you want to take things slow, then stop putting out. Sex doesn't just happen. It requires two people. So find some willpower, and just say no.

As for your other concern, it's not a hard and fast rule, but generally when two people have sex after just a few days or weeks of knowing each other, it indicates their relationship will be more casual and short-lived. For many people, sex is a way to take a relationship to the next level, a step only undertaken once they've gotten to know each other fairly well. But how well can you really know someone in just three or four weeks?

Sex can't build a connection or forge a relationship when there isn't one. The best it can do is solidify and strengthen what's already there.

If no-strings sex is what you want, then fantastic-you've already got the recipe. But if you want something more intimate or long-lived, then you won't find it until you build a relationship with someone before you sleep with them, rather than expecting it to work the other way around.

One last point-and I don't say this to be cruel-but generally, people can tell when their partner isn't into sex, because it shows in his or her performance. And if the ladies you're bringing home are only interested in casual sex-well, what's the point of sticking around with someone who isn't enjoying it?

Again, I recommend holding off on sex until your relationship is ready. Once you take the time to build a real relationship with someone, you might find your connection will improve, both in and out of the bedroom.

Dear Love FAQ,

Is there an easy way to tell if a girl is being flirtatious, or is just being nice?

Emotionally Illiterate

Yes. Ask her out. Nothing answers a question quite like trial and error.

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