Love FAQ

Love FAQ
Save the Whips and Chains Until the Second Date

Lara Crigger | 23 Dec 2011 12:00
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LoveFAQ is a weekly advice column for geeks, by geeks about love, life and maxing out your romance meter. Got questions for LoveFAQs? Send them to [email protected].

Dear LoveFAQ,

The long short of it: I'm a 21 year old guy, and I have a serious S&M fetish. My tastes lie somewhere between "vanilla" sex and full-fledged S&M. I like my bondage soft, with maybe only a little bit of pain mixed in, but it generally doesn't really go any farther than that.

Whenever I try and introduce it, though, I get the usual stuff: I'm a sadist; I hate women; I had a controlling woman in my life (I didn't); I have deep psychological issues (I don't); etc. I just can't seem to find anyone else who is into bondage, too. Maybe I live in the wrong city or something, or maybe it's in my execution, like I'm introducing it too early. I don't know. I just don't want to go into a relationship only to find out they like it vanilla (no offense to those who do). Any advice for what to do?

Looking for his Damsel in Distress

Dear Distress,

So first off, there's nothing wrong with you. You're not a sadist, you don't hate women, and you aren't fundamentally broken just because you crave a little rope-play in the bedroom. Kink is kink, and everybody has theirs, whether they're willing to admit it or not. So don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

But here's the thing about BDSM: Despite appearances, it's not about the bondage. It's about trust, commitment and communication. Subs allow themselves to be tied up; they choose to relinquish control. You can't rush someone into feeling comfortable doing that. So if you're so paranoid about finding a BDSM-friendly partner that you break out the ball gags on the first night, then, yes, you are probably introducing it too early.

So just relax. Your tastes aren't that unique, and most people are willing to experiment, as long as it doesn't feel like a high-pressure sales pitch.

Start off small. Try holding her hands above her head in bed, or placing your hands on her head while she's going down on you, that sort of thing. Afterward, ask her if she liked it. (You do talk with your partners about what you like in bed, right? If not, start. Neither of you are mind-readers.) If she responds favorably, suggest light bondage - ribbons, handcuffs, that sort of thing. Proceed from there.

If you keep it fun and low-pressure, your efforts will eventually pay off. It may even bring you two closer together.

Also, be patient: It might take her some time to ease into it-and maybe she'll find that she doesn't particularly care for BDSM. That's okay too. With enough communication, you two will find a happy compromise, because remember: you have as much right to feel satisfied in bed as she does.

Finally, remember what I said earlier, that everyone has a kink? When discussing your fantasies, it might help stimulate her experimental side should you offer to fulfill one of hers in exchange.

Dear Love FAQ,

I recently managed to break a 24 year long cycle of not going on dates ever, via a combination of tremendous luck and the use of a dating site. I was contacted by a very interested woman and went on two dates with her, both of which seemed to go very well.

However, I could never manage to get a third date and she was very not interested in speaking to me online in the months following, outside of the average Facebook pleasantries. Needless to say, she obviously no longer wants to date me.

I'm not going to ask a layperson who wasn't there what I did or did not do wrong. However, I would really like to ask her. As I said, I've never dated before, and I feel like I screwed up in some way. Is there any way I can inquire without sounding like a psychopath, or by being greeted with steely cold silence like the rest of my Facebook messages I've sent to her?

Out of Luck

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