No Right Explanation

No Right Explanation
White Trash and Dinosaurs

Firefilm | 12 Nov 2012 12:00
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Chris: Why do we do this to ourselves? Everyone's in a good mood, Wreck-It Ralph is amazing and Halo 4 is amazing and the Wii U is right around the corner, and yet here comes the No Right Answer team to bring everyone down with some super depressing series finales. I sat out this debate because I didn't feel strongly either way with the two choices Dan and Kyle picked, and my choice didn't feel right to get matched with what they'd bring up. Why? Because the most depressing end to a series is Dragon Ball Z.

While I would have loved to see a debate somehow argue Roseanne against DBZ, I figured I've said enough about the adventures of Goku and the Z Fighters, so I let the others slug it out with morose points and melancholy rebuttals. Except now, I have no choice but discuss depressing endings, so what better time than now to yet again go on and on about why DBZ has disappointed me so much over the years.

In the briefest summary, Dragon Ball Z ends with the saddest of whimpers. A lot of fans will just say it ended right after Kid Buu was defeated and all of existence has been saved, but it doesn't. Not really. There are 5 episodes past that, and three of those take place 10 years in the future where we learn the saddest truth of all: Goku is an asshole.

Yes, the guy we've been following for two whole series and nearly 500 episodes is revealed to be a bad friend to those who hold him most dear since he never bothers to make time to see them, a bad father since he hardly takes a notice in anything his kids do unless it revolves around his one hobby of training, and a bad husband as he picks up and just leaves his wife to go spend an indefinite amount of time training some stranger he just met, which Dragon Ball GT later shows us was entirely a waste of time. It was like our childhood pets came back to life and then instantly ran away from home.

What makes matters worse is that the series had just wrapped up the final ante-up it could possibly muster. The power-creep had gotten ridiculous and there was literally nowhere left to take the series, but instead of a nice little sendoff, we got a slow, stupid, filler plot to end things on, almost as bad as Dragon Ball's end with Goku and Chi Chi trying to put out a fire so that they can get married. Whether this was Akira Toriyama just giving up or he really doesn't know how to end things, the greatest action cartoon of all time couldn't have ended in a more pathetic way.

But enough about that. Let's talk Swat Kats. Why haven't we seen a badass reboot of the series yet? It was freaking cats in a fighter jet that they built out of parts from a junkyard. It had a motorcycle inside it that had missiles and crap that'd make Batman's head spin. One of the two cats, Razor, was voiced by the same guy who voiced Donatello on the 1987 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated series. And those theme songs! How the hell aren't you pumped after hearing those?!

So there, we start depressed, get sadder, and then finally talk about Swat Kats, thus doing what our article last week failed to do. As with everything, I blame global warming and Dan. Come to think of it, have you ever seen global warming and Dan in the same room? Ooh, think about that for a while.

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