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I received a few emails this weekend regarding my online behavior over the weekend:
"I swear you were hacking in on Team Fortress 2 this weekend. How do you headshot invisible spies from across the map?"
Let me explain:
Three years ago, after a messy divorce, I got custody of the only other living thing in our apartment, a cat named Muffin. Adult Mexilians can grow up to 50% larger than a typical housecat. The cat is a special breed of Mexican Mountain Lynx and Short Haired Sicilian Tabby commonly referred to as the Mexilian. Their pedigree makes them 99% infertile, but in an ironic twist, they are in-heat nine months out of the year. Mexilians will try to couple with other animals regardless of breed, gender, size or species. This, coupled with its relatively large size, makes for some socially awkward situations. This is especially true during the fall months, and has made hosting a Super Bowl party at my apartment nearly impossible.
You've probably already guessed that I am not fond of the cat. The truth is that I have kept it around because it sends Jehovah's Witnesses running, and it is the only thing in this world my ex-wife hates more than me. This last week, however, Muffin the Mexilian's concern for the legs of visitors was replaced by an unhealthy interest in my new G14 keyboard, usually while I was using it. Fighting with a 20lb cat for control of your computer is not a good idea. This is why on Sunday night I went over to my friend's house to watch TV and escape the constant copulation.
Now I am not saying that Mexilians enjoy some sort of preternatural intelligence, but I returned home to find the computer turned on and the browser open to a site containing unspeakable feline sexual acts (Do they call it kitty porn, I wonder). At first, I believed that a burglar with an animal fetish had broken into my house and used the computer, but later discovered a charge on my credit card for two $340 bags of Japanese Kobe Beef cat food.
Stranger than any of this, someone had downloaded a Japanese game called Doku Doku Cat Incest and a program called TF2aimhack.exe.
I am sincerely sorry to anyone who was caught in the cat shenanigans which included stalking of people on my Steam list and trying to make them ragequit. I am also not responsible for those 50 Twitter updates of 240-character Star Trek TNG slash-fiction or that awkward half-crying email, in which eternal love was expressed for my editor. I swear, I was at my friend's house and not at home on a three-day bender drinking bottle after bottle of mescaline-laced tequila. Who would do that?