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Reliable Source: Interrogating GTA 5, Teenage Violence, and Modern Warfare in Africa

Marion Cox | 23 Nov 2009 10:54
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I heard you were recently at Rockstar Studios. How did you get past security, and did you learn anything about GTA 5?
- Lord_Ascendant

I'm pleased to say that my years as a CIA field agent have finally paid off. An area contact informed me that the Houser brothers were having a party to celebrate the start of the next installment of Grand Theft Auto. Twelve hours later I had infiltrated the party disguised as an overweight caterer named Chuck Kowolski. The following is a transcript of my interview with the creative designer on the project, Greg Williams. I warn you, I had to go to some extreme lengths to get this information from Mr. Williams, and some of the following may be unsuitable for those with weak stomachs.

RS: Rise and shine Gregory, how do you like the party so far?

Williams: Huh? Who are you? Where am I?

RS: Where you are is not important. All you need to know is that you're in good hands and these sort of interviews only have a fourteen-percent fatality rate.

Williams: Why am I handcuffed to the chair?

RS: It's for your own protection. Now it's my turn to ask the questions. You're the brains behind the upcoming installment of Grand Theft Auto, please tell me: what are some lessons learned from GTA 4?

Williams: What's that hose for?

RS: You don't want to find out. Answer the question, Greg.

Williams: Urrr...Well we learned early on that players really loved the mundane activities in the game: watching TV, answering the phone every five minutes, and surfing the internet. Why do you have a bucket?

RS: Keep talking...

Williams: W-w-we're going to expand a lot of these mundane tasks. There will be more realistic relationships with items and NPCs as well. Players will nearly spend every minute of the game balancing their nagging girlfriends with murdering prostitutes and robbing elderly people. Oh my god, is that...what is that thing?

RS: The Germans called it the Pfefferminz Seitenwagen, but I like to think of it as an eyeball extractor. Does your team have any plans for the integration of Microsoft's Natal?

Williams: You're not going to use that on me are you?

RS: If you cooperate, and keep answering the questions, I won't have to. Now, I'll ask you one more time...are there any plans to integrate the Natal?

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