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Reliable Source: Marion Cox Sr. Reveals The Secret Fifth Class in Diablo 3

Marion Cox | 5 Dec 2009 10:00
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Hey Marion, how are you today?

Hello, Marion's father here, Marion Senior. I am sorry, but Junior couldn't be here this week to write his own column because he's a lazy good-for-nothing freeloader. The fact that he even has a job surprises me. Not that I approve of his lifestyle, I always knew he'd wind up as a leftist pinko journalist or on some street in San Francisco snorting Marijuana and LSD. I certainly didn't serve my country as a mess sergeant in Korea to watch my kids grow up into drug-crazed cyber-Bolsheviks, but since he's paying for my heart medicine these days I decided I'd do my best to make sure he gets his and I get my pills.

Marion Jr. was supposed to be writing about his trip to Blizzard Entertainment to play some Mexican game named Diablo 3. He got back last week but with a severe case of the Pig Flu he probably got from eating all that foreign food. I've told him many times that I am not the welfare office, but he keeps asking for things like water and says things like, "kill me now," whenever he reads over what I've written. I don't know why, he's so worried about it. I did a lot of research on the YouTube about the game. I even took the time to read over the comments and discovered that some of you think that Marion is a girl's name.

Well, it ain't. In fact, the Cox name is synonymous with a long line of a valourous assortment of men named Marion. The first Marion in our line was Marion Eleanor Cox, Earl of Wigtownshire who was lucky enough to avoid the black plague by surrounding himself with rat-killing cats. Unluckily, he later he suffered feline dander related dementia and choked to death while trying to inhale a toenail.

During the Civil War, Major General Bogbottom Geyspears McLanaclan asked a certain Lieutenant Marion Keybridge Cox to turn 12 death-row prisoners into a special infiltration unit that would go deep behind enemy lines on a suicide mission to free a cotton farmer named Ol' Pete Kinshaw from his Yankee captors. The mission ended in a horrific cannibalistic tragedy, but his memory lives on in his decedent's blood. In fact, we've honored that family tradition by naming all three of our children after them: Mary Ann Cox, Marian Cox and Marion Cox and I assure you, they're all men's names.

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