Reliable Source

Reliable Source: An Australian Attorney General in Thailand

Marion Cox | 12 Dec 2009 10:00
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At the go-go bar in Nana Plaza, I felt like we were the two coolest losers in the place. And I didn't laugh at you when you unwittingly went off with those two transvestites. Though the sounds that came from your bungalow later, which could only be described as unholy, were disturbing; I didn't even know that you could rent baby elephants.

But those good times are far behind us now. You're the Attorney-General of Australia, and I am a divorced, overweight writer with an addiction to peppermint schnapps and candy corn. Clearly our paths have diverged. You're at the top of your game, like if Jack Thompson that hadn't gone all bat-shit insane and sent gay porn to Florida law officials, and I've just eaten a sandwich comprised of the only edible things in my refrigerator: hot sauce, mayonnaise and ketchup.

Those angry letters I mentioned? I've received a lot of them. Australian gamers telling me that you're trying to censor entertainment Down Under . Like this Australian teen pretending to be a middle-aged parent:

Dear Mr. Cox,

Michael Atkinson is trying to raise my kids. As a parent, it's my job to take care of my own kids. I had a lot of sex with hot chicks to have my kids and now I have Atkinson telling them that they can't chop the heads off zombies or spill their intestines over the ground. What's next? Will you take their rights to watch scrambled pornography in the early morning while their parents are still asleep? Atkinson has no right to protect my children; they can take care of themselves. The government needs to keep its nose out of my children's business.

-I say old chap

He's got a point Mike, but perhaps there's another way to deal with this. Do you remember the advice you gave me in Phuket right before we paid 20 dollars to kill that caged shark with dynamite? When the explosive failed to go off you said, "There's more than one way to plough a barge." I wasn't expecting you to wrestle it into submission, but I think that it shows that you are capable of "tackling" difficult issues in a different way.

I'd like to think that there is more than one way to get your political views heard by the uneducated, technology fearing masses. The United States has no government-imposed censorship, and yet we somehow still manage to have a raging debate over whether games are turning our children into drug-addled car-stealing prostitute murderers.

I guess the question then is: How can Australia be more like the US?


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