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Reliable Source: Megan Fox Wins VGA for Best Human 2009

Marion Cox | 19 Dec 2009 10:00
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Hey Mr. Cox, didn't I see you being put in the back of a police cruiser outside the Spike Video Game Awards this year?

Yes, I am afraid that YouTube video was, in fact, me. The Escapist sent me to the VGAs to cover the event but due to a simple misunderstanding between me and another journalist, I wound up outside the show partially blind and briefly incarcerated by the Los Angeles police department. But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning.

We were brought directly from the airport to the theatre. It soon became apparent that something was up when the van drove around back and dropped the t-shirt-wearing journalists and developers off at the service entrance. I guess my "Fuck This Awards Show t-shirt" didn't fit their strict dress code. The benefit was that I was escorted to my seat early by a couple of ushers who were clearly nervous about being seen with me.

The events started with Zachary Quinto (the new Spock) announcing that he was going to be the tutorial voice for Star Trek Online. One could not help but think his dull monotone would be quite suitable for game tutorial; after all, he has built his career around being an emotionless automaton. Thankfully, my best friend - a silver flask filled with an alcohol of undetermined quality and origin which tasted suspiciously like brake fluid - was there to keep me entertained.

The show continued with Jack Black winning an award for Best Voice Acting in a Game Nobody Played for his role as Eddie Riggs in Brutal Legend. Black, always one to create an unnecessary spectacle came out in Wonder Woman wrestling tights, a cape and what appeared to be a Burger King crown. Perhaps he ran out of ideas, or someone forgot to tell him that Nacho Libre wasn't really that good. He thanked his mom and then smashed the balsawood podium with his award. While the stage crew pretended to drag a mildly irate Black off the stage I took the opportunity to drink the mystery liquor in the flask. The warmth of the liquor dulled my senses and made the awkward sketch comedy seem nearly tolerable.

Unsurprisingly, Mountain Dew's independent award, Best Game Fueled by Sugar Induced Diabetes, was Flower, a game actually fueled by Sony's billions. For a second party developer with access to major corporate resources to win best independent game of the year would have been a slap in the face to truly independent game makers if any of them were actually seated where they could see the stage. Strangely my flask seemed to be telling me to drink; I obliged its wishes.

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