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Reliable Source: Megan Fox Wins VGA for Best Human 2009

Marion Cox | 19 Dec 2009 10:00
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The flask was quickly becoming the only person in this hall that I could trust and was already nearly half-empty by the time I noticed the journalists seated in front of me yammering away. I am normally pretty patient, but the drink in my stomach was quickly becoming annoyed either at the guys in front of me, or a particularly unenthusiastic Snoop Dogg performance it was barely enduring.

As Jake Gyllenhaal (or Jake Jellyhall as we affectionately misspell his name around the office) handed out the award for Best Human to Megan Fox for her work in the poorly received game Transformers, the journalist who looked like Yanni kept making references to all the books written by obscure European authors he'd read and how each tome should be savored like a fine wine, not gulped. With that, I took a swig from the flask's now meager reserve. The fiery draught in my belly told me to stop being a pussy and punch him in the back of the head.

The journalists continued to discuss Hugh Jackman's role in the Wolverine game, saying how much he deserved to win against Vin Diesel and Bill Murray. Enough was enough. I leaned forward in my chair to tell him exactly what I thought of the crappy Wolverine game. After all Vin Diesel had done more to bring games to a broader audience than any other actor on the list, certainly more than Hugh Jackman, who couldn't even show up to accept his award. My argument formed flawlessly in my mind: Vin Diesel wasn't just another celebrity attaching his image to a franchise like Fox or Jackman. After all, this was a man who had not only been in two successful games this year but was also a gamer at heart.

This evocative discussion was cut short however due to a slight miscalculation in distance and my partial blindness, which I later attributed to my best friend. What began as a casual lean quickly turned into a full-on head butt right as he turned to see who was trying to get his attention.
Well, his attention was gotten. I swear, it wasn't my intention to break his nose as some sort of homage to Vin Diesel. That is why, even as I was dragged from the venue by two rather unfriendly security guards, I had the presence of mind to yell back my well formulated argument about Vin Diesel's contributions to gaming. Sadly it all came out, "HAHSSKDASDJASAJLDiesel!" which may or may not have to do with my friend, Brake Fluid, who was now in complete control of the situation.

As I was dragged from the theatre, I seem to remember a somewhat dismayed presenter announcing that New Super Mario Bros. Wii had won Best Game or something. This only served to anger my friend further. How could a game that had only been out two weeks win best anything! Luckily enough my escort had succeeded in tossing me out the front door before I could engage in any more spirited debates.


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