The last email I received from an inside source was a link to a news story about the lawsuit troll Erik Estavillo. What's this, his sixth lawsuit in a year? If that's news, then I'll have to start writing about my bowel movements - they're far less frequent and much more likely to be successful.
Even with the exception of a story about the antics of litigious faux-lebrities, most of the "tips" I get from readers are links to old stories about Rubik's Cube solving robots and Mario needlepoint. Sifting through those emails each morning is a lot of monotonous fact checking that nearly takes the fun out of writing.
Monday was different. I woke up-that was my first mistake. The second mistake was checking my email which was, as usual, full of junk. I clicked the "Select All" tab and hovered my cursor over the delete button, the throbbing pain in my head compelling me to just click and be done with it all.
On a whim, I scanned quickly to make sure I wasn't missing anything important. I spotted an email or two from my editor; no big loss, he'd send them again if they were really important. Then as I squinted at the bottom of the first page, I noticed an email entitled INFINITY WARD INSIDER INFO.
Hi, I am an employee of Infinity Ward and I'm trying to tell the world about what happened at our studios on Mar 1st, 2010. If you're interested in details about what happened when Bobby Kotick came to the office, I have an exclusive story about it.
Okay, that was something. It was Monday, and I still didn't have anything written for my column - actually I didn't even know what I was going to write about. If it was good, or at least funny, I could post his letters and save myself a lot of time.
I sent a reply, ate three pickled sheep eyes, drank a Bloody Mary and thawed two frozen canaries in the sink. Trust me, this is the best hangover cure ever.
By the time CODwhistleblower's next email arrived, I was feeling just fine and had no need of fried canaries. I put them back in the freezer and decided that my late lunch would instead consist of two frozen hash brown patties and a poached egg covered in mozzarella and eaten like a sandwich. As I ate, I read the email.
On Mar 1st, 2010 I was sitting at my desk when the building alarm went off. It makes a frightful noise, like an air raid siren. The doors all locked and many employees stood up to see what was going on. About 30 men armed with H&K MP-5s ran into the room screaming at the employees laying on the floor. I hid under my desk and pushed my rolling file cabinet in front of my position under the desk. From there I could hear handcuffs and screaming. I wasn't sure what was happening until I heard Bobby Kotick's voice.