Shamus Plays

Shamus Plays: LOTRO, Part 4

Shamus Young | 10 Feb 2010 17:00
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If you remember from earlier we're following the story of the hobbit Lulzy. She's my dual class Minstrel / Clotheshorse and she's stuck in the Human town of Archet. Brigands surround the place, threatening to attack. She was led to Archet by Amdir the Ranger. Amdir is to the Rangers what Aquaman is to the Justice League: Slightly better than the average guy, but so much worse than the rest of the team that he only drags them down.

Amdir got himself stabbed by a Nazgul, and since then he's been lying in the middle of town, being useless. (So, no change so far.) Now it's up to Lulzy to take his place and aid in the defense of the town.

Well, I dealt a decisive blow against the brigands by killing a small handful of them. This should make sure the rest of them are good and pissed off when they show up and destroy the city later tonight. Now I'm thinking I should take a walk around town and see who else needs help. More importantly, I should see if they have any fun clothes to offer.


First up I meet Ann Granger, a female soldier who is guarding the lodge where the bulk of the town guard is hanging out and stuffing their faces. I'm glad to see the humans have such a progressive attitude towards women in warfare. It's heartening to see women demonstrating our strength and independence by standing beside the men and having adventures of our own!

"Hail sister! What do you need?" I greet her.

"Oh. Hi. I could use a little help."

I smile, "Let me guess: You're pulling your weight around here but you can't get the men to give you the recognition you deserve?"

"Oh, heavens no. Nothing like that!"

"Don't tell me you're suffering from sexual harassment?" I ask angrily.

"Not at all."

"You're not getting the promotions you deserve due to the glass ceiling?"

"No. It's just that earlier today I was running from some brigands..."

I frown, "Okay. Not the proudest moment for women in combat."

"Right. Well, I dropped my purse."

"You're kidding me."

"And I need someone else to go and get it for me."

I grab her by the pant-leg and shout in the direction of her face, "THIS IS WHY THE MEN NEVER TAKE US SERIOUSLY!"

Stupid cow.

I kind of want to get back at her in verse, but I don't think she's worth a whole song. So I shall taunt her in limerick:

Miss Granger was looking most dour,
'cause the brigands were making her cower.
So she let out a yelp,
and asked ME for help.
This is NOT what they mean by "girl power."

Right around the corner from the stupid hag Ann is Fenton Marshley, who is probably the creepiest and most badass human I've met so far. Check out his campsite...


A gigantic bear. A boar. A pile of bones. A wooden barrel full of... what? Is that bloody meat?

He's not even armed.

I am not pissing this guy off.

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