Shamus Plays

Shamus Plays: LOTRO, Part 8

Shamus Young | 10 Mar 2010 17:00
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Nearby is a fellow named Bounder. He invites me to... join the bounders? At first I think this is some kind of lame come-on, but then I remember the bounders are this group of general job-doers around the Shire. Never had need of them myself. Since their job is "do random things for money," I kind of feel like I must already qualify for the position. Turns out the job comes with a hat. I sign up.

But just beyond Bounder I see...

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The postman!

Fie.

Days ago I was pulled into the business of warfare and murder because the post office wouldn't deliver a letter. In attempting to deliver the letter myself, I ended up escorting a postman who led me through a nest of humongous spiders and into a Nazgul. And now I return to the Shire and find a postman standing idle beside a table loaded with mail while he makes no effort whatsoever to deliver any of it. We have an entire postal system dedicated to employing people to carefully sort letters into piles which are then left undisturbed. Forever. There's probably stuff from the First Age of the world at the bottom of the pile. I'll bet if I dug through them I'd find one:

Dear Elrond,

In your last letter you said not to dig too deep or we might run into balrogs. What in the name of mithril underpants is a balrog?

Your Buddy,

Durin

I storm over to the postman and jump up onto his table. I am going to unleash a fury on him that is beyond his comprehension. This guy is about to discover why you don't piss off a bard.

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Stomping on postmen and punching their faces,
kicking their shins and their sensitive places.
Hitting and biting throwing sharp things,
these are a few of my favorite things!

Griefing the postman by slapping his mother,
Make him eat marshflies one after another.
Stuff him in a barrel then float him downstream,
these are a few of my favorite things!

When the wolf bites! When the-

"Oh what luck, a volunteer!" the postman shouts over my singing. He presses a satchel of mail against my hands until I'm obliged to stop playing and take the thing.

"What is this?" I demand.

Gesturing at my package he says, "That one needs to go to Michael Delving. Off you go!"

Things are about to go very, very badly for one of us.

Next time: Going Postal!

Shamus Young is the guy behind Reset Button, Twenty Sided, DM of the Rings, and Stolen Pixels.

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