Shamus Plays

Shamus Plays: LOTRO, Part 12

Shamus Young | 7 Apr 2010 09:00
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As a way of passing the time while I do this, let me sum up what we're doing here. I'm running to the far corners of the Shire, walking up to people sitting next to un-eaten pies, and explaining that the pie is bad. Rotten. Unfit to eat. Then I take the pie. I have to say, the now-pie-less Hobbits are usually pretty good sports about this.

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I cannot put the pie in my backpack with the other things I own. Other things like - for example - the pies I own and keep for my own consumption. Instead I must carry the pie in front of me, parading it through the woods and swamps and spider nests of the Shire. I must take care not to have the pie knocked out of my hands by wild beasts or get it wet going through the river. I must bring it back to Holly in pristine condition and before it gets cold, so that she can take the perfectly inedible, unbroken, piping-hot pie, and toss it in the rubbish.

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Oh! And on my little adventure through ruin and madness, I can't get close to any hungry Hobbits. If I do, they will smell the rancid pie and be overcome with a desire for a rotten pie of their very own. They will then walk away from their house, (which has food in it) walk past the tavern, (which serves all manner of food including pies) trudge all the way across the Shire past several other food-serving taverns, and arrive in Hobbiton to demand that Holly Hornblower make them a pie. And I can't let this happen because Holly is 'too busy' to... what? Tell them to take a number? Say no?

Am I really doing this because Holly can't say no to people? Because she doesn't seem to have that problem with me.

Just think about the money. The money. This will all be worth it in the end. Think about the money.

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Excuse me fine sir, but that pie you have gotten?
I'm afraid you can't have it, because it's gone rotten.

I'm here to reclaim this pie you have bought.
I must take it away now, and leave you with naught.

Then I'll drag it through bear dens and swamps full of midges.
Then slip by the Hobbits who are camping the bridges.

Then take it through camps that are brimming with robbers.
(I'll run through there quick so as not to get clobbered.)

Then take it through woodlands without going astray.
And then give it to Holly. Who will throw it away.

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