Shamus Plays

Shamus Plays: LOTRO, Part 12

Shamus Young | 7 Apr 2010 09:00
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About a thousand years later I come wobbling into town, carrying the very last of the very bad pies. I am not sure how it is that I managed to arrive in each town exactly five minutes before the pie got cold. I guess I'm just "lucky."

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Holly is grateful. I am also grateful. She's happy that her business is no longer ruined, and I'm happy that I will never, ever see another one of her pies. So everyone is happy.

"Oh thank you, Lulzy! You are a true friend."

"I'm not really feeling the love right now. Let's keep this professional."

"Let me give you something extra for your hard work."

"Something extra? I think I'm starting to feel the love now."

"Here, have some of my pies."

Suddenly I draw my sword, run her through, and run screaming into the hills while the pie-gobbling dunces of the town look on in horror. Her house is knocked down and burned to the ground. The spot where the house stood remains barren forever after. No crop will grow there and none will dare build on that cursed spot, which is known to later generations as "Hornblower's Folly."

Sorry. That didn't happen. I just wanted to pretend this story had a happy ending.

"You're giving me pies?" I ask her.

"Yes! Five of them! Enjoy," she grins at me.

"Five pies. Like, the pies you didn't have time to make and so I had to dodge hungry Hobbits from here to Mordor? And then you had to bake more because the first batch was bad? And now that I'm all done you suddenly have five pies to give away?"

She presses them into my hand. I put them into my pocket without further protest.

"Oh! I nearly forgot. I wanted you to have this." She hands me a slip of paper. At the top it claims to be her super-secret recipe for her super-famous pies. It is a recipe so simple that writing it down is an insult to the reader.

You think I'm joking? I have another character who is a cook, and here is Holly's super-secret pie recipe:

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Yes, her entire recipe is "put pie filling in pie crust". Any old filling and crust will do. The important part is that you put one in the other.

Well, actually, I guess the recipe is:

1. Put pie filling in pie crust.
2. Cook it.
3. Hire someone to carry the pie all over creation while being mauled by wild animals. Suffering is the secret ingredient!

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