He has the face of an angel. A rugged, bad-boy angel with broad shoulders and strong hands. And long dark hair. And a roguish, unshaven look. And... is it hot in here?
"Can I help you, young Hobbit?" he asks.
He's already noticed that I'm young. What a flirt. He's got a deep, confident voice.
"Oh I hope so," I giggle.
"I am on an urgent errand and I dare not tarry here for too long. What is it you need?" he says.
I'm so excited. He's actually here on business and not just sitting around slurping ale and bribing strangers to do his job for him. I'll bet he's seen all sorts of exotic places and defeated great beasts with his big strong muscles and his longsword...
Strider clears his throat and I remember he asked me a question a second ago. He gestures for me to come closer, "You've come from Midgewater swamps, I take it? What news do you bring?"
Oh my! He's not a mouth-breathing dunce, either. His eyes tell me that he's the kind of man who knows more than he lets on. "You are a clever one! How did you know?" I ask.
He nods, "I've been in those lands in many seasons, and I know the scent of them."
Horrified, I look down and realize I've spent most of the evening soaking in bog water. I've still got bits of spider sticking to my shirt, and mossy bits are clinging to me all over.
"Excuse me," I say in a terrified voice before dashing out of the room.
I charge out of the inn, knocking down a few patrons who are too self-important to dive out of the way. I kick open the door and out into the night air. The sun has gone down. I'm worried I'm going to be too late.
Frantically I search around for a town guard. Eventually I find one guarding some stupid fountain.
"THE AUCTION HOUSE!" I scream, grabbing the bottom of his shirt and pulling him over.
"W-what?" he asks with bewilderment as he struggles to back away from me.
"TELL ME WHERE IT IS OR DIE!"
He points down the street and I release him with a shove, sending him backwards into the fountain.
"DRESSES. NOW," I scream at the auction lady a few minutes later. Stunned, she blinks at me a few times. Finally I feel the need to add, "OR DIE!"
I have just barely enough. I strip off my old clothes and fling them over my shoulder. If the people running the auction house didn't want me doing this, they should have put up a sign forbidding it.
I slip into my new dress. It's a tight fit but it was still easier to wear than to pay for. Panic sets in again when I realize that none of the 32 pair of shoes I have with me will go with this outfit.
This is okay. I can do this. Hobbits can get away with going barefoot. Hopefully Strider likes the traditional look.
With my last few coins I get some dye and color my hat to match.
Right. Now I'm off to get my man.
Next time: The THRILLING CONCLUSION to the ADVENTURES OF LULZY!