Shamus Plays

Shamus Plays: Champions Online, Part 3

Shamus Young | 28 Jul 2010 09:00
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A few solid knee-punches brings Black Talon down, and then Defender instantly and un-suspiciously hops up and lets me know how brave I was.

I have to run around the room and turn off (not punch, alas) the beacons while Defender follows me around and puts the "super" into "supervisor." He yells at me to turn a machine off while I'm turning it off. Maybe he's trying to make up for fighting like Glass Joe. I'm not sure what the rationale is for not destroying these beacons. Do we really need a set of beacons that will invite aliens to come invade us? Do we need to leave them all set up and plugged in where someone might accidentally turn it on while looking for the coffeemaker?

"The beacons are down!" Defender shouts out as if turning things off was a heroic deed, "Let's launch Ironclad!"

Er. Launch what? We're doing what now? I thought I turned off the beacons. So, the aliens will relent now, right? So why are we launching things?

We enter the control room and Defender tells me, "Go for it! Launch the Ironclad defense!"

The plan - which nobody has bothered to explain to me until now - is apparently for Ironclad to get into the huge gun outside so that I can launch him at the mothership. Again with these guys trying to get me to use guns. Do you mind? I'm trying to work within my character concept here!

Fine. Whatever. Launch.

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Ironclad leaps into the gun and BOOM! He's launched face-first at the alien ship with all the power and fury of an angry bee being thrown at an aircraft carrier. What exactly is this supposed to accomplish? Wouldn't it have make more sense to load the gun with something that would explode on impact instead of something which will then have to run around punching things? Did he even make it inside the ship? For all we know he's up there, his iron noggin buried in the armor plating and his legs dangling out the bottom of the ship saying, "These aliens will PAY for making their hull thicker than my head!"

Defender leads me over to a door labeled, I kid you not, "to the celebration." I exit the building (and somehow inexplicably end up at the entrance I originally used, despite the fact that I went through the building) and find they're having a big parade in my honor. The mayor presents me with the key to the city.

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"You know what Defender? You're doing a great job. Keep it up, buddy."

Now look, nobody deserves excess public praise more than I do, but shouldn't we finish putting out the fires and stacking up the dead before we shower me with ticker-tape? Defender endured all the pain, Dr. Monkey did all the thinking, Ironclad took all the risk, and I...

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...I get a parade? But... I just pressed the button thirty seconds ago. That's including the time it took me to go through the loading screen. How did you people GET HERE SO FAST?!?

Next Time: Let's get out of town for a few days, eh?

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