Shamus Plays

Shamus Plays: Champions Online, Part 4

Shamus Young | 4 Aug 2010 09:00
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Look, Bobby, would it be too much trouble for you to stand at the OTHER end of this hallway? I'm going to have to come talk to you pretty often, and it would save me a fair step. And no offense, but it doesn't look like you're particularly busy at this end. Actually, nevermind. You know what? I'm sorry Project Greenskin, I'd like to help. I really would. But this? This isn't working for me.

Now that I'm thinking about it some more, I've always wanted to travel to exotic faraway lands and learn about distant peoples and their proud cultures. Why should America get all the attention? You guys are so self-centered! Let's get out there and see the world!

So, off to Canada? I guess? Let's see what Ravenspeaker was on about.

Ravenspeaker is a Native American-themed hero. Like many such heroes, his powers seem to be mumbo-jumbo about visions, a dash of spirit guides, an embarrassing costume, and a good dose of plot exposition. Anyway, he's the go-to guy for stuff happening in Canada.

If you hate yourself and want to envy illiterate people, just read Ravenspeaker's Bio, which is a shining example of Mighty Whitey in action.

Ravenspeaker explains that Canada is beset by... bad weather. It's snowing a lot. Apparently an angry demon is using ancient magic (Is there any other kind? When was the last time anyone was harassed by brand-spanking new cutting-edge magic?) that is making it snow. Like, more than usual, I guess. I dunno. I've never been here before. If they told me it was like this year-round I wouldn't know if they were pulling my leg or not.

Anyway. Snow. What a cunning plan. A demon has decided to unleash his fury and get Canada's snow all cold. This ranks right up there with attacking Florida by making it really muggy in August, or inflicting dire traffic congestion on L.A. You'd think that step one of bedeviling a land would be in choosing a target that will notice. If this demon had any sense he'd be snowing on people who don't have parkas, plowing equipment, and hot cocoa.

As an added bonus, Ravenspeaker is the only hero who didn't have a 50-foot holographic statue of himself back in the Hall of Ego in Champions Headquarters. Sure, he might be dressed like a musclebound transvestite showgirl, but at least he doesn't suffer from the need to make a glowing 50-foot projection of himself. I'd rather be working for someone who isn't a complete rampaging egomaniac anyway.

As I fly in during the opening cutscene, I'm treated to a 50 foot astral projection of Ravenspeaker.


This just made my list of top ten images I didn't need to show to my eyeballs.

Ravenspeaker shouts, "THIS IS NO ORDINARY STORM."

You know, when I'm treated to a fifty foot projection of a guy in his underpants and a bird mask, my first thought isn't, "Oh wow, this is unusual weather, isn't it?" In fact, I really wouldn't have noticed the weather if you hadn't brought it up. And is it COMPLETELY necessary for us to take the up-angle on this projection?

As I step off the Chopper I'm greeted by a man waving his arms who tells me, "THIS IS NO ORDINARY STORM!"

Geeze. I didn't even bring it up, okay? Everyone is so defensive about the weather around here.


"No! Honest! The weather is usually not like this at all! Canada is a wonderful place to visit! It's usually five or six degrees above zero this early in August!"

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