Shamus Plays

Shamus Plays
Shamus Plays WoW #3: Into the Bandit's Den

Shamus Young | 10 Nov 2010 09:00
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"Don't chat him up," I say, "Just set his ass on fire and let's go get paid."

"I don't know. I mean. He's just standing here."

"He'll get moving once he's on fire."

Norman sighs. "Fine."

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Once Garrick is face-down Norman turns to me, "Would you mind?"

"What?"

"Getting the ... head." He sounds like he's going to throw up.

"Okay I can't take it anymore," I say, "How in the name of Arthas' frozen nipples did you ever manage to get up the nerve to drink the blood of a sacrificed virgin?"

"Well", he says looking sideways, "I didn't do the messy part myself."

"Which messy bit? The kidnapping, the killing, or the blood-drinking?"

"I paid someone else to do the actual killing bit for me."

"So what, you hired someone to kill the virgin? That means you didn't sacrifice a virgin, you assassinated one."

"Yes. The butcher. I mean, he kills sheep all the time so it was no big deal for him."

"Your 'virgin' was a sheep?"

"I'm pretty sure she was a virgin. Although, the guy I bought her from was really creeped out when I started asking him about the virginity of the sheep. He nearly called the constable on me."

"But ... a SHEEP?"

He shrugs, "The rules never said the virgin had to be human. Everyone hears 'virgin' and assumes 'young, attractive female human'. But lots of other things are virgins too."

I pause to think about this for a minute. "One thing I don't get, is why you did all of this in the first place?"

Norman shrugs, "They require it for membership in the Warlock Union."

"And they really accepted a sheep sacrifice?"

"Not as such, no. They asked if I had sacrificed a virgin, and I said yes."

"But why bother with the sheep at all? Why not just claim you killed one?"

"You mean lie to them? I could never do that!", he says incredulously.

I slap a leathery claw over my forehead. "And I suppose rather than drinking the blood the way you're supposed to, you just made sheep into soup and drank that?", I ask him.

"Heavens no!"

"That's something, at least."

"I'm a vegetarian."

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There is a long pause. Finally I tell him, "You sir, are a devious cheat."

"Sorry," he shrugs.

"No, no. See, that's a compliment."

"It is?"

"Coming from a demon, yeah. We care about getting the job done. The other side cares about how you do stuff. Demons care about results, not rules. You wanted the power that comes with being in the warlock union but you didn't want to pay the price, so you found a loophole. I can respect that."

Norman looks down, thoughtful.

"Still," I tell him. "If you change your mind and want to knock back a cup of virgin blood, the first round's on me."

"Uh ... thanks. I think."

"Don't mention it," I say as I rip the guy's head off. His spine is a toughie. I gotta gnaw it a bit to get the head loose. Once I get the head free I hold it up, "You you wanna carry it, or should I?"

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