Shoot Club

Shoot Club: The Quake Wars Wars, Part Three

Tom Chick | 18 Oct 2007 17:00
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3. Destroy the Stroggifier

"Okay, Mike and Trevor are on my team. It's us against Jude, Douglas, and the new guy."

"I'm not ready to play," the new guy insists.

"What are you talking about? You were just playing." Besides, I need him to balance out Mike, who sucks at all games.

"I'm not ready to play an actual game. Against people. Besides, I'd rather play Halo."

"Okay, Peter, you're filling in for the new guy."

"I get motion sickness. I have to stop every five minutes."

"We should trade him for Mike," Trevor suggests.

"Nope. No trading. You, me, and Mike against Jude, Douglas, and Peter. Okay, let's do it." I clap my hands, like I've just dismissed us from the briefing and now we're going on the mission.

Each team has three bots, which should even things out. Without bots, we'd be screwed. In 3v3, having Mike on your team makes it 2v3. "Just gather lots of resources and give them to us," we tell Mike during an RTS. Mike means you get extra villagers and that's about it. You almost always lose when Mike is on your team. But the thing about Mike is that he doesn't care that he sucks at all games. He likes all games, and he doesn't care if he wins. Beat him ten times in a row at a game and he's ready for an eleventh game. Who ever heard of such a thing?

"Hey, what if I don't have any health. How do I heal?" Mike asks once the match has started.

"Call for a medic," I tell him, trying to hack the shield controls while Trevor covers me. Jude shoots Trevor, I shoot Jude, and then Peter shoots me. I cuss.

"Hey, how do you call for a medic?" Mike asks a few minutes later, after having stood in the corner and pressed various keys. I'm trying to hack the shield controls again.

"V7." This time Peter shoots Trevor, I shoot Peter, and then Jude shoots me. Douglas is flying around in a Tormentor.

"It's not working," Mike says.


"I'm pressing V7 and it's not doing anything."

"Are you in chat mode?"


"Ah, that's it."

A few minutes later, he suggests it's still not working. "Maybe it's a bug?"

I demonstrate that it's working by calling for a medic. Then I shoot Jude, Peter, and a bot. Then Trevor comes driving to the rescue in an Armadillo. He runs over me. He hits V6 to say 'sorry', even though he's sitting right next to me and could have said it out loud. I hit V5 to say 'thanks'.

"No, I think it's a bug," Mike says after a moment. "It doesn't work."

I get up and go over to Mike's computer. He's probably got cap locks on or something. Nope, that's not it. He's trying to press both V and 7 at the same time, as if it were a control or shift command.

"No, no, press V and then 7. Not both at once. It's not like F1 or F10."

"Oh! I see."

"Wait, what class are you?"

"I'm not sure. How do I find out?"

"Dude, you're a medic. Just drop health packs and then pick them up."

"That makes sense."

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