Special Attack

Special Attack
Directionally Challenged

Mur Lafferty | 5 Apr 2012 17:00
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I have no sense of direction.

It's scary and chronic. I have lived in Durham, NC, for thirteen and a half years, but only recently realized I lived in south Durham. Sure, I always knew how to get where I was going, and my GPS is my best friend next to my heating pad and my PS3, but if you asked me whether I lived in north Durham or south Durham, or perhaps in the south-south-west corner, I would have had no idea. When people tell me that something is on the west side of the county, I ask for a landmark to figure out where they're talking about.

Sometimes I think, "Oh, I'm just saying I've got a bad sense of direction like a lot of people say that bacon is as good as an orgasm and clowns are the most evil things. Sure, bacon is tasty and clowns can be creepy, but most people are just jumping on a meme." Then I get overly confident and try to find something. That's when life smacks me in the face with a wet herring and laughs at me.

No. Seriously. I have no sense of direction.

So who cares, right? I'm here to talk geek stuff, not whine about my ability to get lost in area I've spent more than half my life. But this bad direction sense manages to get me into major trouble in games.

World of Warcraft was masterfully crafted so that you organically go from one level to a slightly higher level to a slightly higher one. Only a dumbass will stumble their level 2 Orc hunter through the one bitty crack that lets you escape from n00b canyon, swim across the river, run from scary monsters that are officially level DEATH SKULL, and into Ratchet, having no idea what just happened.

I, ladies and gentlemen, am that dumbass.

Aside- I love that you don't know how powerful the high-above-you monsters are. It doesn't matter. It's just instant death.

So after my scary trip into Ratchet - and even scarier to realize I didn't know how to safely get back home to the happy place where the monsters are levels 2 and 3 and they feed me bonbons and cactus fruits - I had other adventures due to my inability to realize where I was going.

And yes, I know there's a map, and it's easy to access. But sometimes you get a feeling of exploration going on, and you know checking the map will just confirm the lurking suspicion in your mind: that you are a dumbass. Other times you will be in that special area that won't trigger the map to open up and it's like you're driving on a new road that your not-updated-in-2-years GPS is very concerned about. The bear running after you is yelling, "PLEASE DRIVE TO HIGHLIGHTED ROUTE!" and you are yelling back, "I WISH I COULD!"

I've tried to take a "short cut" several times, because clearly going in a straight line is a shorter way than going along the safe road. Only I didn't realize a couple of things. First, low level characters in high level areas serve as a beacon, a bright flashing light that is neon and it says Fresh Meat Here! to any area monsters. I was trying to level up a character by playing with a much higher level character, but I was the Boy Wonder and the scorpids were Penguin henchmen, and I got trussed up to wait for Batman more than once.

Batman is my friend...or maybe the angel who hangs out at the graveyard. The metaphor made more sense in my head. Leave me alone. And does anyone else feel bad for that angel? Her only job is to hang out at the graveyard and tell you, "Sorry, you're dead, wanna come back to life?" She's like the bathroom attendant, only you can't offer her tips as she's mopping up your pee splatter.

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