The Terabyte Tenderloin

The Terabyte Tenderloin
Be Still My Beating Heart

Brad Rice | 25 Nov 2008 08:27
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The infamous Doki Doki Majo Shinpan! is about one thing: touching witches.

Forget the story, the art, the soundtrack - people play Doki Doki Majo Shinpan! because they want to feel up 2-D girls who may or may not be underage. Naturally, the game has garnered some attention for its ... unique premise. But few Westerners have played it themselves. Whether due to the nearly insurmountable language barrier, the high cost of importing Japanese DS games or good old-fashioned shame, not many really know just what goes on in Doki Doki Majo Shinpan!


Consider the staggering variety of erotic manga, anime and games in Japan, and the premise of the game becomes fairly mundane. You touch a girl all over her body in order to test whether or not she's a witch. As her heart beats faster, her true nature is revealed. It's certainly not as bizarre as a company hiring office workers to sexually service employees (Spirit of Capitalism) or a superhero who makes peoples lives better by raping them (The Rapeman). But compared to traditional point-and-click dating sims, playing Doki Doki Majo Shinpan! feels more visceral, more real. You trace your stylus across her figure. You cause her to moan and cover her body. You make her heart beat uncontrollably. Depending on your tastes, just thinking about it can turn you on - or creep you out.

Unfortunately, touching witches isn't as exciting as you might think. You end up randomly touching the girl all over the place in the hopes of finding her "sweet spot" - which I can assure you is rarely anywhere fun. You can poke her, use the "look" tool to stare at certain parts, blow on her in different areas or give her a knowing wink. Succeed at hitting those sweet spots, and your subject will change positions from neutral, to excited, to perky, where you might even get her breasts to bounce with excitement. Of course, if you ignore the signs she gives off and decide to prod her in the crotch until the cows come home, she'll close herself off to you.

Much like a child's pull-string toy, the girls only have half a dozen phrases that they'll say, with several more to indicate how well you're doing. If you don't find the spots right away, their vocalizations quickly become repetitive. After about 10 minutes worth of prodding, moaning and groping, the girl finally lets out a groan of resignation that means you've poked her into submission. As a bonus, completing each round gives you a few moments to grope the girl to your heart's content without worrying about her reaction.

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