Observe! My right hand rests on a stack of Bibles. A polygraph cuff encircles my left arm. My brainwaves are being audited by noted psychic Raoul Mitgong. So as you read about these surpassingly unlikely Asian electronic games, keep in mind I am not making this up. These games actually exist and are, or have been, actually for sale to the public - but only in Asia.
Boong-Ga Boong-Ga ("Spank 'Em Spank 'Em")
Category: Proctology simulator
In this coin-op arcade game from Korean publisher Taff Systems, you jam a finger-like plastic nozzle up into a recess between a pair of jeans-clad buttocks. Onscreen, you choose a dislikable butt-owner - "Ex Girlfriend, Ex Boyfriend, Gangster, Mother-In-Law, Gold Digger, Prostitute, Child Molester, Con Artist" - and watch him or her react in anguish to each thrust. "The funny face expressions will make people laugh and relieve stress," says a Korean sales brochure. "After detecting your power with a sensor, a card will come out. It will explain your sexual behavior."
How well did Boong-Ga penetrate the market? Not too deep. The following year (2002), Taff Systems pulled out and lined up a contract to design a Vulcan Automatic Cannon Simulator for South Korea's Infantry School of the Army. In 2003, Taff sold a majority of its shares to Korean netbiz firm NeoWiz, which said it would refocus on "game development based on more stable management foundation."
Category: Roommate coaching
From Sega of Japan, a game that casts you as a heavenly emissary sent down to straighten out the life of college kid Neji Taihei (Japanese for "terrible screw"). By clicking around his apartment, you get him to wash, iron, clean the room, bleach his hair, and converse with friends and even (wow!) a girl. Roommania #203 was weird until The Sims became a megahit, whereupon this game became retroactively ordinary.
Cambrian QTs (cuties)
Category: Sailor Moon meets Burgess Shale
If you were devising a unifying theme for a Magical-Girl anime knockoff about venturesome young things fighting evil, the first place you'd turn for inspiration would be - yes! say it with me! - Cambrian-Era fossils! Cambrian QTs beat you to it. Originally a one-page manga strip in the overstuffed monthly Japanese anime magazine Megami, Cambrian QTs became a webcomic, then a PS2 game from Global A Entertainment.
The leader of the group, the Nice Girl archetype, is Princess Karis, a derivation of Anomalocaris. Golly, aren't she and her friends cute? - I mean, aside from the tentacle feet and the tentacle hair-hands and the bulb-tipped demon-mouthed tails. A machine translation of the Japanese website offers this lucid backstory:
"From now before approximately 530,000,000 years, the living thing of the puzzle which inhabits in the Cambrian period. Already those which are the expectation which is exterminated, were accidentally discovered in the last year south Pacific Ocean, just the female among those succeeded in merchandising as a pet."
The game is sort of "Tamagotchi meets Sea-Monkeys," with the difference that QTs are Tamagotchis you can, uh, date:
"Using voice kindly, if you raise, you understand the word of the human eventually, you reach the point where it [the QT] can enjoy also date."
The Large Beauty
Category: Woman of Mass Destruction
In this PlayStation 2 "scramble action game" from D3 Publishing, you send tanks, choppers, and fighter planes to attack a bikini-clad babe. It's a fair fight because she's 48 meters tall. Peter Jackson, are you listening? Japan has your next Kong right here!
Cho Aniki ("Super Big Brother")
Category: Homoerotic platform shooters
For weeks, I've tried to write jokes about the Cho Aniki games. Ultimately all commentary pales. Here is a plain summary: In Ai Cho Aniki ("Love! Super Big Brother!"), the sequel to the 1992 Turbografix side-scrolling shooter that started the series, you control a thong-clad flying bodybuilder, Samson, who fires white blobs of fluid from the top of his bald head. He fights onrushing legions of huge bald musclemen, as well as the occasional fairy with her boat of thonged men. Samson can also sprinkle enemies with fairy dust.