I think it's high time we stop all this hippy nonsense of trying to live happily together and solving our differences peacefully. There's obviously a huge problem in the gaming community, and it's the sort of problem that can only be solved by the judicious application of overwhelming force.

Everyone is arguing about where the blame lies for the flood of bad games to the market. Desensitized reviewers, jaded designers, corporate whoring, stupid players, hackers, script-kiddies, the media, money-hungry lawyers - take your pick. But really, it boils down to two sides: Game Developers vs. Gamers.

Every message board, mailing list, chat room - heck, even a few prayer circles - is full of bitter debates laying the blame for lousy games on one side or the other. We need to stop trying so hard to find compromises and just lay the blame solidly with one of them so we know who not to receive our guidance from when choosing future games.

We've got two very different sides here, and if my years of being a faithful Tina Turner fan have taught me anything, it's that two men enter, one man leaves. I give you: the blame!

Obviously, This Is Gamers' Fault
Gamers, by and large, are idiots. They represent the basest of human desires. All they really want is a game that consists of one button. When you push it, someone gets kicked in the crotch while a large-breasted woman jumps on a trampoline in the background.

They constantly lament the quality of games in modern times while extolling the virtues of the "old games" - remember those games? Humanity was destined for greatness and we were set to solve all the world's problems, but then some jerk had to eat the forbidden fruit of the 3-D Graphics Processor Tree, and we were all marched out of Eden to the dark wasteland beyond, with nothing but a copy of Postal to keep us company.

Gamers want great games utilizing technology that still hasn't been created - technology so fantastic it's going to make them take out a second mortgage just to afford the mainframe computer it'll require to run the games. And they want monthly updates and expansions added to the game, with entirely new continents, races and quests. But they want to pay no more than $10 - and no subscription fee, of course!

Then, of course, no matter how great a game you invent - a game with dynamic dialogue, a brilliant and unique questing system, a completely balanced PvP combat system, amazing abilities for the player to create their own content - Gamers are going to ignore it and instead buy millions of copies of a buggy game that lets you decapitate someone and then urinate on their corpse. And then they'll have the audacity to complain about their lack of choices.

Who needs them?

Anyone Can See The Developers Are At Fault
If Game Developers could take time out from their rock-n-roll parties full of illicit drugs and prostitutes, we could open up some honest dialogue about all the things they're screwing up in their games. Unfortunately, they're too busy yelling at their valets for revving the engine too high in their limited edition gold-trimmed Ferraris to have much time for the likes of us.

Comments on