What is Asexual?

As far as I can tell their seems to be two definitions for asexual (as it applies to human beings).

1 Not being attracted to anyone.
This follows the logic of if heterosexual is attracted to not like, homosexual is attracted to like, pansexual is attracted to all, than asexual is attracted to none.

2 Not being interested in sexual activity.
As in if someone is sexual than they are interested in sexual activity so asexual would be not interested in sexual activity.

I bring this up Because I find I just do not care about sex but I do have a preference. So by definition 1 I would not be asexual but by definition 2 I would.

If you don't have any interest in having sex you're asexual. If you have no interest in a romantic relationship you're aromantic. Maybe you're on of those, maybe you're both, maybe you're neither. There are people who aren't interested in sexual intercourse but in a romantic relationship. And there are people who enjoy having sex but don't want want to be in a relationship.

Short answer is an asexual is somebody who can't say "I'd hit that" about any other living human being.

Which isn't to say they're necessarily sex-averse (though a lot of them are). Sex is fun, people can get horny, and bonding with your partner doing something they like is good, but you might not have *that kind* of hots for them. Or they *are* sex averse, and the thought of hanky-panky is an active turn off. Which is fine too, people are different.

Like Psychedelic mentioned, wanting to have a romantic relationship with someone isn't necessarily linked to wanting sex specifically.

I've seen some asexual people remark they have no real interest in sex at all and the idea makes them feel uncomfortable, while others say they don't really mind sex but they have no desire to seek it out and will only really bother with it if it's dropped right in their lap. It's not a monolithic thing.

Also, asexual does not mean aromantic, plenty of ace people still want to be in romantic relationships with their gender of preference.

Also I hear cuddling is very popular among the ace, romantic community.

Some evolutionary quirk of little importance.

Interestingly, Parvati in The Outer Worlds is depicted as being asexual, but she is TOTES into romance and flirting, and feeling "all fluttery in mah insides" for a person. She's got an entire character quest line about trying to hook her up with her interest. But she does specifically state she's never been interested in the "physical stuff". Now this is a fictional character, so accuracy may be way off, but I'm going to assume they did at least SOME homework before designing her. So I would assume it depends on the individual if their asexuality excludes relationships or not.

Also, insert obligatory marriage and being asexual (due to just not having sex) joke here.

Though the entire subject does make me wonder about submissives in BDSM. If there is a significant portion of them that might be asexual, but enjoy pleasing partners, but aren't interested in their own pleasure. So any celibate play, where they are just made to please others, fits right into their wheelhouse of interests.

Don't really believe in it to be honest. It's true some women have little to no sexual desire from a combination of hormonal, psychological and emotional factors but men are either lying, have suppressed kinks, a medical disorder, are deadly afraid of rejection or closet homosexual. Espescially people flaunting their 'asexuality' as some kind of statement that need to be socially validated are highly suspect in my opinion. I assume true asexuals wouldn't even be pre-occupied with being asexual in the first place.

altnameJag:

Personal example: I've never really had a fantasy about having sex with another actual person. When I was younger I felt like I *should*, but that's just social programming in action I guess. I feel much better now that I don't feel the pressure to try and find a partner.
Which isn't to say I'm incurious about sex, and theoretically the gender of a potential partner doesn't matter to me, but trying to find a willing partner would involve effort, awkwardness, and specific social interactions I've thus never been good at, and I'm just not about that.

Just popping in to say that at the beginning, nobody on Earth is good at those specific interactions. It's all about learning. If you simply don't want to have sex that's great, it's a personal choice. But if it's because you don't like being awkward and you feel you're not good at getting there, then the only thing holding you back here is you.

Squilookle:

altnameJag:

Personal example: I've never really had a fantasy about having sex with another actual person. When I was younger I felt like I *should*, but that's just social programming in action I guess. I feel much better now that I don't feel the pressure to try and find a partner.
Which isn't to say I'm incurious about sex, and theoretically the gender of a potential partner doesn't matter to me, but trying to find a willing partner would involve effort, awkwardness, and specific social interactions I've thus never been good at, and I'm just not about that.

Just popping in to say that at the beginning, nobody on Earth is good at those specific interactions. It's all about learning. If you simply don't want to have sex that's great, it's a personal choice. But if it's because you don't like being awkward and you feel you're not good at getting there, then the only thing holding you back here is you.

It's more like...on an intellectual level I think it would be neat to know how to play a guitar, but I've got no interest in finding a guitar, purchasing it, finding lessons and music, or practicing.

But if there's a guitar available and willing to be played, I might strum a bit. Curious, not desirous.

I identify as asexual primarily because of lack of interest or 'need' for sex. I don't believe it is a need so much as a want despite some describing it that way. I have been in love, but that was in middle school before i even fully understood the concept of attraction, and I've never wanted to sleep with women. I find men generally more aesthetically pleasing but wouldn't say I'm attracted to either gender as I have no sex drive and don't want to sleep with women or men

stroopwafel:
Don't really believe in it to be honest. It's true some women have little to no sexual desire from a combination of hormonal, psychological and emotional factors but men are either lying, have suppressed kinks, a medical disorder, are deadly afraid of rejection or closet homosexual. Espescially people flaunting their 'asexuality' as some kind of statement that need to be socially validated are highly suspect in my opinion. I assume true asexuals wouldn't even be pre-occupied with being asexual in the first place.

So you don't believe in something there is empirical research data on? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality#Research

Just because there is a type of human experience you can't imagine having does not mean it does not exist

CyanCat47:

stroopwafel:
Don't really believe in it to be honest. It's true some women have little to no sexual desire from a combination of hormonal, psychological and emotional factors but men are either lying, have suppressed kinks, a medical disorder, are deadly afraid of rejection or closet homosexual. Espescially people flaunting their 'asexuality' as some kind of statement that need to be socially validated are highly suspect in my opinion. I assume true asexuals wouldn't even be pre-occupied with being asexual in the first place.

So you don't believe in something there is empirical research data on? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality#Research

Just because there is a type of human experience you can't imagine having does not mean it does not exist

Oh sure, I believe people who believe they are asexual really believe that. But it's subjective experience that is impossible to research in any objective or 'empiric' way. People can claim anything. Doesn't make it true. Also, the 0% men and 2% women in the test group also prove my point but whatever.

With men who consider themselves asexual I think the desire to feel 'different' or special as some kind of emotional or psychological crutch with the intent to sublimate the sex drive for an alternative emotional pay-off(like for example full emotional autonomy or priority of the inner experience with eg schizoid personality disorder) OR to divert uncomfortable social interactions with a similar intent can be a stronger need than a base impulse. Similarly as kind of clergy people who have 'given themselves to god' or something along those lines where celibacy becomes a cathartic religious experience. The real reason ofcourse is that a psychological or emotional need(the executive control) simply overrides a more basic need. That doesn't make sexual desire itself go away but rather contort it to background noise where it can fester in the subconscious often not without potential escalation(ie the abuse scandals in the catholic church).

With women who consider themselves asexual I think they often try to disconnect from traumatic past experiences or childhood abuse where sex might put them in a dissociative state. Trust issues can really diminish a woman's sex drive something that men aren't really vulnerable to. That's why I said with women it's mostly a combination of factors. Women's sexual desire is more easily overshadowed by other factors but men having eight times the testosterone makes their sex drive easier to separate from the emotional and cognitive and into the purely physical. Not to say stress, depression, anxiety etc can't put a serious damper on men's sex drives but it's very unlikely it will entirely go away even under the most extreme circumstances.

Sex is a base biological drive of which the survival of the species depend. Even if other orientations like homosexuality exist it doesn't take away the fact it still originates from the same evolutionary source ie XY reproduction of which without there would be no sexually dimorphic creatures in the first place. It's part of our biology similarly as the need to eat, sleep and shit.

I consider it a complete lack of sexual drive. You can be uninterested in sex but still find people attractive.

stroopwafel:
Don't really believe in it to be honest. It's true some women have little to no sexual desire from a combination of hormonal, psychological and emotional factors but men are either lying, have suppressed kinks, a medical disorder, are deadly afraid of rejection or closet homosexual. Espescially people flaunting their 'asexuality' as some kind of statement that need to be socially validated are highly suspect in my opinion. I assume true asexuals wouldn't even be pre-occupied with being asexual in the first place.

This. Unless a person is suffering from some kind of severe hormonal imbalance that means their normal libido never developed, or they had some kind of chronic or acute experience that desensitised or made them averse to sex, asexuality strikes me as a bit of a "fox and the grapes" situation. A "cope" as the millennials and Gen-Z'ers apparently describe it.

I could of course be very wrong but it feels like many self-described asexuals are socially awkward, painfully shy, afraid of rejection, unattractive and/or have low self esteem; in a nutshell the kind of person that is unlikely to have much sex anyway. Oh, they're not interested in sex anyway? How convenient.

stroopwafel:

With men who consider themselves asexual I think the desire to feel 'different' or special as some kind of emotional or psychological crutch with the intent to sublimate the sex drive for an alternative emotional pay-off(like for example full emotional autonomy or priority of the inner experience with eg schizoid personality disorder) OR to divert uncomfortable social interactions with a similar intent can be a stronger need than a base impulse.

Ok. And what leads you to believe you have a better understanding of the phenomenon than actual accredited experts, scientists and researchers? That seems unlikely.

There is a difference between being asexual and having a low libido, and neither is in any way dysfunctional on its own unless it causes the person experiencing it distress.

Asexual people can masturbate, asexual people can experience non-sexual attraction towards others, asexual people can even have sex. None of these things are enough to exclude someone from being asexual. Asexuality is defined by a lack of sexual attraction towards other people, it does not imply anything about a person's lifestyle.

Now cease this heterosexual nonsense.

An adjective to caracterize something that either has no sex organs or no sexual desires.

evilthecat:

Now cease this heterosexual nonsense.

That's either the best idea right now (population crash) or worst (population crash). Heck, maybe both.

Or I dunno, IVF or whatnot. 0_0

Hawki:
That's either the best idea right now (population crash) or worst (population crash). Heck, maybe both.

You can still be heterosexual.

In fact, I have no problem with heterosexuals.. as long as they don't rub it in my face by sharing their awkward, ill-informed heterosexual beliefs about the nature of human sexuality.

evilthecat:

Asexual people can masturbate

What do you fantasize about, if anything at all? Because I find it very difficult to rub one out without some kind of mental partner to help move things along.

Happyninja42:
What do you fantasize about, if anything at all?

Personally, I'm not asexual.

But what I will say is that the way different people masturbate can be very different.

evilthecat:

Happyninja42:
What do you fantasize about, if anything at all?

Personally, I'm not asexual.

But what I will say is that the way different people masturbate can be very different.

Too bad it's a taboo topic. People could otherwise try, experiment, and learn something nice.

Well I'm unsure, people have referred to me as asexual in the past but I wouldn't know as far as I'm aware of I have felt sexual attraction it's just that the last time I acted on it was over a decade ago, but it's also true that since then I have only ever found 1 person sexually attractive but I opted to not approach her, because to be honest I don't really crave it, I can't really understand many feelings people talk about regarding the topic of sexuality but I'm unsure if that's just because I've chosen to not participate in such activities for such a long time that I just can't recall the feelings or if for real I do not have them.

That being said I think the need of people to put a label on these things is downright silly & I see little point in trying to identify sexuality, so maybe because I haven't had sex in a long time and don't seek it I could be asexual, sure that's a possibility but I've also been with both men & women in the past, so maybe I could be bi-sexual, but if I'm open to have a relationship with trans people apparently that now means pansexual, but if I decide I don't like one of the genders for whatever reason I'm now heterosexual or homosexual, seems awfully convoluted and silly to me, if you ask me we should just let things be & not worry about what is what, it doesn't really matter what it's called.

I think people spend too much time trying to decide what label to put on & how to fight or avoid people under different labels that it seems like a waste of time, besides I fail to understand what there is to gain by declaring oneself as anything, I personally have never answered that question in my life & I don't particularly care to find out and I think anyone that asks is prying for too much information, it shouldn't really be your concern unless your seeking a possible relationship with that person, but whatever maybe I'm just dumb & don't understand people, that's always a possibility.

Kaleion:

I think people spend too much time trying to decide what label to put on & how to fight or avoid people under different labels that it seems like a waste of time, besides I fail to understand what there is to gain by declaring oneself as anything, I personally have never answered that question in my life & I don't particularly care to find out and I think anyone that asks is prying for too much information, it shouldn't really be your concern unless your seeking a possible relationship with that person, but whatever maybe I'm just dumb & don't understand people, that's always a possibility.

It's rather helpful information, isn't it? If I'm interested in asking someone out, it'd sure be helpful to know what they're into.

Oh hey, one of those rare discussions that I'm totally qualified to speak about. XD

For a long while I considered myself "Demisexual" (ie, only has interest in sex with people with whom I have a deep emotional connection with). Recently I've been forced to come to the conclusion that I'm either Asexual, or so hardcore Demisexual that it functionally amounts to the same thing.

Dreiko:
I consider it a complete lack of sexual drive. You can be uninterested in sex but still find people attractive.

It's more or less this. I can totally find women aesthetically pleasing, and I would really like to have a lady romantic partner to share affection with...But "bumping uglies" does basically nothing for me that I can't get on my own in like...a 10th of the time and effort.

Happyninja42:

evilthecat:

Asexual people can masturbate

What do you fantasize about, if anything at all? Because I find it very difficult to rub one out without some kind of mental partner to help move things along.

In my case, I've got an unusual kink that can take me from 0 to 100 in ten seconds flat. It's the only thing that gets a reaction out of my lower regions. *shrug*

stroopwafel:
Don't really believe in it to be honest.

This oughta be good.

but men are either lying

I assure you I'm not. Being asexual makes finding a romantic partner significantly more difficult. I'd much rather have a sex drive, even a low one.

have suppressed kinks,

My kinks ain't suppressed, I have plenty of healthy outlets for them.

a medical disorder

Pretty sure I don't have anything physical that might impede a desire for sex, and I know plenty of other aspergers/autism spectrum people who have healthy sex drives, so while that might be a factor it's not a definitive one.

are deadly afraid of rejection

This is true. But it doesn't stop me desiring a romantic partner and trying to find one, so...It would be really REALLY weird if that only eliminated my sex drive and not my romantic one. Also, I know a shitton of people who are terrified of rejection and I'm pretty sure I'm one of the only asexuals I know.

or closet homosexual

I assure you this is not true. I thought I might be gay back when I was younger, for reasons that will make sense shortly. As a young adult I did the thought experiment and here are the results:

Imagining myself with a woman: *Warm fuzzy feelings*
Imagining myself with a dude: *Nothing*

With men who consider themselves asexual I think the desire to feel 'different' or special as some kind of emotional or psychological crutch with the intent to sublimate the sex drive for an alternative emotional pay-off

Mate, I'm an aspergers hyper nerd with a goofy personality, a deep love of role play, with a weirdass kink. I don't want or need any additional "specialness" on top of what I already have, I'm already weird enough, probably TOO freakin' weird to be honest with you.

And...Sublimate it? Mate, I would love to have a sex drive, it would make finding a future partner much more mutually satisfying.

Espescially people flaunting their 'asexuality' as some kind of statement that need to be socially validated are highly suspect in my opinion. I assume true asexuals wouldn't even be pre-occupied with being asexual in the first place.

Or maybe because anytime people like me are involved in a conversation where people are talking about how they enjoy sex/talking about their sexual "conquests"/it's a base need/etc etc and we go "Yeah, I don't really care, I have no real interest in mashing my nether bits together with someone else"...Society and the people in it tend to have the following reactions:

"Lol, yeah you do, EVERYONE wants sex"
"What are you, GAY?!"
"Whaaaaaaat, how could you not want sex?!?"
"Lol, Ur Ghey!"
"...Really? ...How...How does that feel?! It must be WEIRD!"
" (Insert slur for gay person here) "
"Hahaha, right, sure, you're just saying that 'cuz you can't get any, NERD!"
"...Son, be honest with me...Are you gay? It's totally ok if you are!"
"Dude, you can't say your asexual if you're a virgin. I bet you'll change your mind once you get your cherry popped!"
"Asexuals are a type of gay, right?"
"People like you will be the death of humanity, we need more babies!!"
" (Something something, implication of gayness) "
"Lol, you're not a Real Man (TM) if you don't want sex!"
"Don't really believe in it to be honest, etc etc".

Not to mention:
Friend: "Wait, you were in a 3 year relationship with a woman and never had sex?!?!?! HOW?!?!? WHY?!?!"
Me: "She was never really ready for it. We discussed it a few times and she never felt ready."
Friend: "But...How did you SURVIVE!?! If it was me I'd have dumped her after like...3 months of her withholding sex!!"
Me: "I just don't care all that much.
Friend: "...What is WRONG with you?! Are you, like...closet gay or something?"
Me: "...If I was, would I have stayed in a committed, loving relationship with a girl I actually loved for like 3 years?"
Friend: "But...Like...The sex!"
Me: "... *sigh* Is it THAT hard to believe I don't care much?"
Friend: "YES! It's weird!"

So, while on a personal level, my reaction to finding out that I'm Asexual is a Dorkly styled "huh, neat", on a societal level I feel like too many people either consider me a freak, or "broken" in some way, or that I'm closeted gay, which REALLY is getting on my nerves after years of it even when I considered myself Demisexual or with just a very low sex drive.

So, I speak out more and more about it, and plant my personal flag, going "Yeah, I'm here, we exist, so could you people PLEASE stop freaking out about it and just accept we're a thing so I don't have to have this annoying conversation over and over, thank you?"

Sex is a base biological drive of which the survival of the species depend.

You realize that variations and mutations happen all the time in nature, basically at random, right? And not all of them end up furthering the expansion of a species. What's stopping asexuality from just being another one of those?

 

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