You have to replace one body part with a weapon.

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So you have been drafted into the Galactic Empire's Doom Army and are to be issued with one standard issue bionic weapon. What is it and what body part does it replace?

I would replace my left eye with a Nanotrasen 3rd Generation Mind-Bullet teleportation unit. That way I can just look at someone and teleport a mind-bullet directly into their heads, killing them instantly.

Ooh- good question but... what is a standard issue bionic weapon?

Fists are already deadly weapons.

Therefore I replace one of my feet with another fist.

Can I replace a part of my mind with psychic powers? Tearing people apart with my mind would be super powerful

Hmm, how about replacing my vestigial tail with a proper tail?

I'd replace my dick with Dwayne Johnson. And I don't mean replacing my johnson with Dwayne's johnson, I want the whole Johnson.

Why only one?
I would replace every body part with a superior bionic/cyborg version.
Not that I know what kind of universe this is were talking about though.

There are a few caveats to that though.
Brain can only be replaced by artificial neurons scanning and reading the now encapsulated biological one's structure and data before finalizing the rerouting of signals to itself, and absorbing the old.
Likewise, I would like to retain the ability to produce a viable reproductive fluid.
These replacements should also be self-contained and self-repairing, so that I wont be beholden to some entity for my continued existence.

I'd replace my nipples with flamethrowers. Obviously.

Chimpzy:
I'd replace my dick with Dwayne Johnson. And I don't mean replacing my johnson with Dwayne's johnson, I want the whole Johnson.

Oh, where's a like button when you need it...

* * *

I'd replace my appendix with... who cares what? It can hardly fail to be more useful than my appendix.

I would like to replace my digestive system with a 3D printer please. One that can print chemical compounds such as medication amongst other useful goodies. The printer will be the digestive system from now on. I eat the materials, it prints the 3Ds. Most importantly, it can be turned off at any time. Slightly less importantly, what was once my poo would now be anything the recycler/crafter combo is asked to craft, it could even craft hot meals for starving young orphans! Water filtration devices for people in areas with contaminated quenches! Or for peak irony; toilet roll!
It may not sound like a weapon, but give it time. And imagination. Oh and it should let me eat any material, with the right safety engineering, and there'd be a menu where i can tinker with what flavour and texture occurs when masticating on some used bin bags and empty coffee jars. To others, they'd be tasting dry plastic, sharp stabbies and plenty of blood. But to my upgraded spud funnel, it would be homemade chicken kievs, lightly spiced cheese-topped wedges and even more blood.

I would replace my cranium with artficial one, serving as a much safer brain cointainer and a base for future enhancements - in lieu of a pc case. And since it has to be a weapon, uhh, poison pheromone system?

Or fuck it, give me an armblade.

Vendor-Lazarus:
Why only one?

Budgetary constraints?

Squilookle:
Ooh- good question but... what is a standard issue bionic weapon?

That's the question at hand. Whatever you pick is the standard issue weapon for the Doom Army.

trunkage:
Can I replace a part of my mind with psychic powers? Tearing people apart with my mind would be super powerful

Yes but you lose the connected brain functions of the replaced part.

Vendor-Lazarus:
Why only one?
I would replace every body part with a superior bionic/cyborg version.

Look, the Doom Army isn't made of money! Do you have any idea how ludicrously expensive a never ending war of conquest and enslavement is on a galactic scale?!

Agema:

I'd replace my appendix with... who cares what? It can hardly fail to be more useful than my appendix.

Actually, I'm very curious what you could replace an appendix with that would function as a useful weapon? Self destruct charge maybe?

Chimpzy:
I'd replace my dick with Dwayne Johnson. And I don't mean replacing my johnson with Dwayne's johnson, I want the whole Johnson.

I would replace my wingwang with a bunch of knives, then start a romance with a wonderful woman who looks past my deformity, and then when she asks me to hold her, with tears streaming down my face I would thrust my hips and say "I CAN'T".

Drathnoxis:

Agema:

I'd replace my appendix with... who cares what? It can hardly fail to be more useful than my appendix.

Actually, I'm very curious what you could replace an appendix with that would function as a useful weapon? Self destruct charge maybe?

A smaller version of yourself. And then demand people start the reactor, and when they're confused and offput, punch them.

I'd have an ultra-compact contained singularity installed in my left nostril, with the power to control its gravity. Everybody knows to watch out for hands, or eyes, but nobody's going to pay attention to nostrils until they get sucked into a tiny black hole.

Silentpony:
That way I can just look at someone and teleport a mind-bullet directly into their heads, killing them instantly.

That's telekinesis, Kyle.

Chimpzy:
I'd replace my dick with Dwayne Johnson. And I don't mean replacing my johnson with Dwayne's johnson, I want the whole Johnson.

I poked in here to see if anybody had made this joke (well, a dick joke in general). I'm happy to not be disappointed.

Chimpzy:
I'd replace my dick with Dwayne Johnson. And I don't mean replacing my johnson with Dwayne's johnson, I want the whole Johnson.

You want to, literally, be joined at the hip to the Rock?

Should I ask what part of him should be attached to your crotch?

Thaluikhain:

Chimpzy:
I'd replace my dick with Dwayne Johnson. And I don't mean replacing my johnson with Dwayne's johnson, I want the whole Johnson.

You want to, literally, be joined at the hip to the Rock?

Should I ask what part of him should be attached to your crotch?

Hmm, in my excitement for a Dwayne Johnson johnson, I haven't actually given that much thought. If given the choice, I'm thinking either tailbone, back of the head or his feet.

EDIT: on second thought, I'll take his big toe instead of both his feet. His left big toe, that is. His right would just be weird.

Chimpzy:
I'd replace my dick with Dwayne Johnson. And I don't mean replacing my johnson with Dwayne's johnson, I want the whole Johnson.

Brings a new definition to being Rock hard....

....*cough* I'll show myself out.

Can I get a cybernetic arm with a retractable blade? That would be aces...

Thaluikhain:
Hmm, how about replacing my vestigial tail with a proper tail?

I'd take that a step further, myself. Replace the vestigial tail with a cybernetic scorpion tail. Fast, and just as lethal when used as a club, a short sword, or a poison needle. Plus, you know, it's a stylish threat, which is really the important thing in a Galactic Empire's Doom Army. It's what separates the faceless canon fodder from the elite minibosses.

Thaluikhain:

Chimpzy:
I'd replace my dick with Dwayne Johnson. And I don't mean replacing my johnson with Dwayne's johnson, I want the whole Johnson.

You want to, literally, be joined at the hip to the Rock?

To be fair, that's one up one that part of your body being wood.

Drathnoxis:
Actually, I'm very curious what you could replace an appendix with that would function as a useful weapon? Self destruct charge maybe?

Toxic gas generator? The logical release mechanism could be amusing in a very puerile way.

Agema:

Drathnoxis:
Actually, I'm very curious what you could replace an appendix with that would function as a useful weapon? Self destruct charge maybe?

Toxic gas generator? The logical release mechanism could be amusing in a very puerile way.

And here I was going to post a joke about going in for a hemorrhoid operation and leaving with a nerve-gas dispenser.

Neurotic Void Melody:
I would like to replace my digestive system with a 3D printer please. One that can print chemical compounds such as medication amongst other useful goodies. The printer will be the digestive system from now on. I eat the materials, it prints the 3Ds. Most importantly, it can be turned off at any time. Slightly less importantly, what was once my poo would now be anything the recycler/crafter combo is asked to craft, it could even craft hot meals for starving young orphans! Water filtration devices for people in areas with contaminated quenches! Or for peak irony; toilet roll!
It may not sound like a weapon, but give it time. And imagination. Oh and it should let me eat any material, with the right safety engineering, and there'd be a menu where i can tinker with what flavour and texture occurs when masticating on some used bin bags and empty coffee jars. To others, they'd be tasting dry plastic, sharp stabbies and plenty of blood. But to my upgraded spud funnel, it would be homemade chicken kievs, lightly spiced cheese-topped wedges and even more blood.

Also comes with the added benefit that eating ass becomes a lot more appealing.

Which I'm sure is entirely coincidental. Or not, I'm not judging.

Chimpzy:
Also comes with the added benefit that eating ass becomes a lot more appealing.

Which I'm sure is entirely coincidental. Or not, I'm not judging.

Having consulted my lawyer on how best to approach that area of subject in front of the National Association of Starving Orphans (NASO for short, updated from NASFO - National Association of Sufficiently-Fed Orphans - since austerity measures went up), they said some weird shit about not being a lawyer but a psychiatric nurse and some other stuff about delusional fantasies getting people hurt again, so in the fire bin they went. How hard can it be to find a lawyer that tells you what you want to hear these days, damnit?

Anyway, the solution is to 3D print plates and then the food totally out of sight, as the world is a little hung-up still on the delivery method when it comes to the younguns, according to the second opinion that horoscope lady AI provided in my junk email folder. We can only wish for more people as indiscriminate as yourself.

davidmc1158:
And here I was going to post a joke about going in for a hemorrhoid operation and leaving with a nerve-gas dispenser.

I was wondering about the advantages of never having to apologise for letting one go in the lift, because there'll not be anyone left alive to apologise to.

Gun for an eye. But because that's too obvious, it shoots backwards.

McElroy:
Gun for an eye. But because that's too obvious, it shoots backwards.

Into your brain?

Drathnoxis:

McElroy:
Gun for an eye. But because that's too obvious, it shoots backwards.

Into your brain?

My gun thinks for me now.

Replace one arm with an enormous fiddler crab claw.

Well, obviously, I'd want the cybernetic eye implant from Goku Midnight Eye. It would let me interface with and control any computer on the planet, which is a rather useful skill.

I'd like to replace my fingers with 10 MMA fighters legs.

Drathnoxis:

trunkage:
Can I replace a part of my mind with psychic powers? Tearing people apart with my mind would be super powerful

Yes but you lose the connected brain functions of the replaced part.

Okay, so assuming the psychic part I was talking about includes Telekinesis (tearing people apart), the brain function I could lose is moving the body. Then I could use my telekinesis to move my body around.

Wintermute:
I'd like to replace my fingers with 10 MMA fighters legs.

Are they mini-legs or the same size?

Agema:

* * *

I'd replace my appendix with... who cares what? It can hardly fail to be more useful than my appendix.

APPARENTLY!
Your appendix is an important feature to preserving your intestinal micro-biome, like a safe haven for useful microbes if anything bad goes down in there, like too much taco bell or binge drinking~

Granted, it isn't VITAL, but it's certainly useful,

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