Science and maths jokes anyone?

 Pages 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 NEXT
 

Heres the challenge, to find good jokes about science and maths. I know that they are few and far between but id like to hear some new ones!

Ive got two:
An infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar. The first one asks for a pint, the second one says " ill have half of what hes having", so the bar man says " You are all idiots" and pulls two pints. (Respect to Bill Bailey for that one)

I wish i was DNA helicase, so i could unzip your genes!

There have got to be better ones than that around.

Particle physics give me a hadron ^_^

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and the bartender says "No charge for you."

I've got quite a few, mainly due to science teachers:

Gold walks into a bar and the barman says "AU! Get out!"

And

What does a physicist have for lunch? Fission chips!

A group of mathematical functions are at a party.
In the corner, ex stands bitter and alone.
Noticing this, 10x wanders over to him.
"Come on, integrate yourself", she says.
"Why?" responds ex, "it wouldn't make any difference if I did."

Nerd, and proud of it!

Let epsilon be less than zero...

I got one:

How do you calculate the volume of a Pizza with the radius = z and the height = a?

EDIT: Or: The shortened version of the big bang theory:

"In the beginning there was nothing. Which exploded"

image

Two cats on a roof. Which one stays on the longest?

The one with the biggest mu.

Particle relationships 101: Don't go out with antimatter; it can only "sting" you in the end.

A chemist challenges a physicist to a water drinking contest. The chemist walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a glass of H20". The physicist walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a glass of H20 too".

The chemist won.

suckmyBR:
A chemist challenges a physicist to a water drinking contest. The chemist walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a glass of H20". The physicist walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a glass of H20 too".

The chemist won.

Puntastic!

Q: Why was Max Planck a great physicist?

"Two protons walk into a bar. One says "I think I lost an electron." The other says "are you sure?" The first one says "I'm Positive."

And one time during math class my math teacher asked me to go to the board and solve a problem. He said to find "x"
I pointed to it and said "There it is"

He facepalmed and the class laughed. Now he says solve for "x" :P

Q:Why was 6 afriad of 7?
A: Because 7, 8, 9.
BA-DUM-TISH!

Physics: Measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk, cut with an axe.

Why did 6 look nervous? Because 7 8 9.

Why did 288 get banned in Australia? Because it was too gross.

Theorem. A cat has nine tails.

Proof. No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails. QED

There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can't...

The UK Minister of Education is hiring a new mathematics tsar. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"

wouldyoukindly99:
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and the bartender says "No charge for you."

You stole it from that robot in fallout 3, the robot that makes really bad jokes. :/

A room temperature super conductor walks into a bar, the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The super conductor puts up no resistance.

I don't get the infinite mathematicians joke xD

The_root_of_all_evil:
The UK Minister of Education is hiring a new mathematics tsar. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"

And knowing us Brits and the government's love of spin, no doubt they hired the statistician... :s

How many Mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Woodsey:
I don't get the infinite mathematicians joke xD

I thought I was the only one. . .

One atom to the other:
"I think I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" The other replies.
"I'm postive!"

Badum-tish!

Novskij:
the robot that makes really bad jokes. :/

"I once visited a crematorian that gave discounts to burn victims" - I thought that was fucking hilarious. Or "I was going to attend the clairvoyant's meeting, but it was cancelled due to unforseen events."

I don't get the mathmathician's joke either, please do explain.

4RT1LL3RY:
A room temperature super conductor walks into a bar, the bartender says, "We don't server your kind. The super conductor puts up no resistance.

Wrong way round. Super conductors at room temperature have lots of resistance. They must be super cooled before they have no resistance.

Girls = Time x Money (girls require time and money)
Time = Money (famous saying)
Girls = Money^2 (substitution)
Money = root of all evil (saying)

therefore

Girls = (root of evil)^2
Girls = evil

Where's my cookie?

tmujir955:
Girls = Time+ Money (girls require time and money)
Time = Money (famous saying)
Girls = Money^2 (substitution)
Money = root of all evil (saying)

therefore

Girls = (root of evil)^2
Girls = evil

Where's my cookie?

Anyone who doesn't understand the OP's joke about the infinite mathematicians and the two pints should take a look here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hilbert%27s_paradox_of_the_Grand_Hotel

Woodsey:
I don't get the infinite mathematicians joke xD

I assume the joke is they each order half of what the previous one ordered. Don't get the 'idiots' part though .. :(

Edit: I HATE the tradition on this forum of posting those delicious delicious cookie pics .. They make me so damn hungry :(

suckmyBR:

Woodsey:
I don't get the infinite mathematicians joke xD

I thought I was the only one. . .

Sebass:

Woodsey:
I don't get the infinite mathematicians joke xD

I assume the joke is they each order half of what the previous one ordered. Don't get the 'idiots' part though .. :(

I guess he's written it wrong then. I hope at least. Jokes shouldn't be this difficult!

Woodsey:

suckmyBR:

Woodsey:
I don't get the infinite mathematicians joke xD

I thought I was the only one. . .

Sebass:

Woodsey:
I don't get the infinite mathematicians joke xD

I assume the joke is they each order half of what the previous one ordered. Don't get the 'idiots' part though .. :(

I guess he's written it wrong then. I hope at least. Jokes shouldn't be this difficult!

I believe part of the joke is that it's over done, so the barman of the joke has already had this pulled on him so he stops the mathematicians and gets on with his life.

Woodsey:
I don't get the infinite mathematicians joke xD

suckmyBR:

Woodsey:
I don't get the infinite mathematicians joke xD

I thought I was the only one. . .

That's because he sort of told it wrong in my opinion. It actually should go "infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar and the first one says 'ill have a beer', the second onesays 'ill have half a bear', the third one says 'i'll have a quarter of a bear'. The bartender says 'you are all idiots' and pours two beers". Since the series of they were using converges to two (meaning if you added it an infinite number of times you would get two) the bartender didn't take their orders because it was too convoluted and just poured two beers.

A man riding a train walks up to Einstein and asks "does New York stop at this train?"

Why are quantum physicists bad in bed?
When they find the right position they cant find the energy, but when they have the energy they cant find the right position.

the infinite mathematicians 'joke' is basically an infinite series. (1/n) n starts at 1, n goes to infinity, = approximately 2
its not really a joke, rather a simple way to describe infinite series to someone whoe doesnt know what they are.

Two atoms are sat in a bar. One says to the other "I've lost an electron", to which the second replies "Are you sure?". The first then assures "I'm positive".

XD

suckmyBR:

tmujir955:
Girls = Time+ Money (girls require time and money)
Time = Money (famous saying)
Girls = Money^2 (substitution)
Money = root of all evil (saying)

therefore

Girls = (root of evil)^2
Girls = evil

Where's my cookie?

Yay. Cookies!

If you count programming:
"Looking back, C++ should've been named ++C."

 Pages 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 NEXT

Reply to Thread

This thread is locked