The worst D&D group I ever heard of.

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A bit of background: Way back, seven or eight years ago, I used to play D&D. I was also a frequent commentator on the official Wizards of the Coast message boards. One day, a man known as "Arturick" posted a thread (in three parts) that was so unbelievably epic that he gained an instant following. Sadly, he left a year or so later over arguments that the "Book of vile darkness" (A supplement intented for mature readers) wasn't "Dark" enough. However I had saved his thread to my hard drive, and while digging through old documents recently I found it again. I think it still is funny to this day.

A few notes:
The Wizards boards were stricter on profanity than this board,thus the editing out of the vulgarity is not mine, but rather Arturick's.

Most trolls in D&D can regenerate any damage except acid and fire damage

DM=Dungeon Master, the person who runs the group

FR=Forgotten realms, a preconstucted world that helps some groups provide background. Your standard fantasy world in most respects.

Greyhawk=Another campaign setting, somewhat different than FR

Evermeet= Land of the elves, essentially FR equivalent of where the middle earth's elves went at the end of LOTR

Kara-Tur=Another campaign setting set in the same planet as FR, but based heavily off feudal Japan. Has very little in common with either FR or greyhawk

Elimister: One of the most powerful wizards in FR.

drow:Evil elves, basically(and thats putting it midly). They live in caverns under the earth and worship spider goddess Lolth.

No, D&D is usually nothing like this game, I have no clue how Arturick got into this situation.

Yes he drinks Jaegermiester. Thats why I call it a manly drink

If I need to clarify anything else, I'll use parentheses.

Anyway, on to the world's worst D&D session since the conception of the game...'

I think I'll call this "Chapter 1 of the Adventures of the D&D Group That Arturick Was Kicked Out Of."
Items within asterisks have been edited for content.
Our Cast:
Arturick - Myself
Dennis - The DM
Larry - Another player
Rick - Yet another player

The Tale of the Wild Magic Ring (a.k.a. Another Night of Second Edition)
DM Dennis - "I like to run a high casualty game so..."

Arturick - "Umm... Shouldn't the number of casualties depend on what we do?"

DM Dennis - "I don't run those wussy crap campaigns. As I was saying, I like a high casualty campaign, so you can all roll up TWO characters. Both of your characters get a 21 in the stat of your choice. Arturick, I suggest you run a Kensai as one of your characters. I homebrewed them into 2E. They get to use two katanas (1d10 damage) with no penalty and they get the same number of attacks with each hand rather than getting one off hand attack."

Arturick - "Wow, that seems overpowered."

DM Dennis - "You'll need it." He proceeds to advise other players, and everyone makes up two characters.

Arturick - "Okay, I've got my Kensai, Shang, and my Luckbringer (FR Specialty Priest), Dorn, ready."

Larry - "I'm playing a Half-Gold-Dragon Monk and a Minotaur Fighter."

Rick - "I'm playing a Paladin with the Battlerager Kit (?) and a Fighter/Mage/Thief."

DM Dennis - "Okay, you're in the city of Greyhawk, and you've all received an invitation to attend a dinner at Castle Greyhawk."

(Note from Chrono, I have no idea why the city of Greyhawk is in the forgotten realms. Actually, I have no idea why most things in this campaign happened. Clearly, worlds must be merging together, Infinite Crisis style. Anyway, back to the funny)

Arturick - "What's our starting gold? And are we together?"

DM Dennis - "You all have 5000 gold to start (at first level!) and you're not together. Actually, you're characters aren't even together."

Rick - "I'm going up to a town guard and casting "Charm Person" on him."

DM Dennis - "He fails his saving throw."

Rick - "I tell him to run into town square and start *practicing the act of self love* in front of everybody."

DM Dennis - "Okay, that's what he does."

Arturick - "Charm Person doesn't work like that!"

DM Dennis - "Hey, who's the DM here?"

Rick - "I want to find a magic shop."

DM Dennis - "Alright, you go to a magic shop. A guy smoking a funny looking pipe is behind the counter. His clothing and hair is ragged and it doesn't look like he bathes much."

Rick - "I ask him if he has any potions."

DM Dennis - "Potions? I've got lots of potions! I've got red ones and green ones and blue ones..."

Rick - "How about healing potions?"

DM Dennis - "He says, 'sure!' and starts throwing potions over his shoulder. One of them explodes and takes out the back wall of the building. He grabs one, looks at it for a while, then takes a sip. He grows leaves all over his body, then he throws that one away, too. He says, 'I can't find one right now. Here, buy this ring of protection. It's only five gold!"

Rick - "Deal"

A few minutes later:

DM Dennis - "You've all arrived at Castle Greyhawk. Elminster is there, and he tells all of you that you have to go to Evermeet right away, then he casts a spell and you're all standing outside the Western gate of the city together. Rick, your paladin's horse is here."

Arturick - "Umm... How do we get to Evermeet from the Free City of Greyhawk?"

DM Dennis - "Go west."

A few minutes later:

DM Dennis - "You see 10 orcs in the distance, they seem to notice you. Rick, your Paladin has to charge, its part of your kit."

Rick - "Umm... Okay. I charge with my lance."

DM Dennis - "The orcs set their halberds to receive a charge. (rolls) Your Paladin is unconscious and bleeding to death on the ground in front of the orcs."

Arturick - "Well, I guess we all have to charge now, or they'll finish him off. I'm charging."
DM Dennis - "A few of the orcs pull out bows and fire at you. All the arrows change direction in midair and hit Rick's other character. He's unconscious and bleeding to death."

A few minutes later:

Arturick - "Okay, I did 27 points of damage to the orc I'm fighting."

DM Dennis - "He shrugs it off and misses you. Larry, both of your guys are now down. Dorn gets hit and goes down. Suddenly, four arrows come out of the woods and hit the orc that was standing all the way in the back. When he goes down, all the other orcs run away. Everyone gets 5000 experience points."

Arturick - "We're jumping two levels for getting our butts kicked?"

A few minutes later:

Rick - "I want Dorn to check out my ring."

Arturick - "Dorn casts Detect Magic on the ring and tries to figure out what sort of magic is on it."

DM Dennis - "The colors of the ring jump around wildly and the ring seems to be leaking magic into everything around it."

Arturick - "Man, I advise burying that ring somewhere."

Rick - "Cool. I put the ring in a sack full of coins."

DM Dennis - You continue down the road for a few hours and come to a small town. Do you stop at the inn?"

Party - "Sure."

Rick - "I want to buy a drink with a coin from my pouch with the ring in it."

DM Dennis - "Okay, make a saving throw vs. spell."

Rick - "Made it."

DM Dennis - "You toss the coin to the barkeep. When he catches it, his skin suddenly turns dark blue."

Rick - "Awesome! I grab another coin and throw it at Arturick's Kensai to see what happens!"

DM Dennis - Make an attack roll and another saving throw."

Rick - "I missed both."

DM Dennis - "Your feet grow to three times their size and the coin flies past Shang and lands on the floor. The wooden floor under the coin disintegrates, and the floor continues disintegrating in a circle spreading out from that point. A few bar patrons who don't notice this shriek and turn to dust when the circle reaches them. Tables and chairs are disintegrating and everyone is running for their lives."

Arturick - "RUN!"

Rick - Passes a note to the DM.

A few minutes later:

Arturick - "So, the wave of destruction stopped about a mile past city limits, eh?"

DM Dennis - "Yep, the town is now a gray crater filled with dust."

Larry - "My Monk is going to take that bag of coins away from Rick."

Arturick - "Yeah, I'm thinking the Lawful Neutral guy should have that."

DM Dennis - "A red dragon lands in front of you. It has a drow on its back. The drow casts a spell and you all fall asleep. You have a dream that you're flying, and you wake up the next morning in front of Evermeet."

Rick - "I grab a coin from the ones I grabbed out of the first bag and throw it at the monk!" (rolls)

DM Dennis - "Okay, you've just grown metallic spikes on your *reproductive organs*. You missed the Monk and hit the Minotaur. The Minotaur is now a hermaphrodite."

Rick - "I try to *breed with* the Minotaur with my spiked *reproductive organs*!"

Larry - "My Minotaur pulls out his battleaxe."

Arturick - "Dorn casts Hold Person on both of them."

Larry - "Hey, I wanted to see that fight! My Monk throws the entire pouch full of coins with the ring in it at Dorn!"

Arturick - "Dorn sees the bag flying at him and does the only thing he can think of. He hits the bag with his hammer like it's a baseball."

DM Dennis - "The resulting explosion actually rips everyone out of reality. Before everything goes dark, you see most of Evermeet lying in ruins. Well, I guess we'll pick up here next week."

Arturick - "This is the most stupid thing I've ever seen happen..."

Larry - "Well, you went and tried to stop the fight! And who was the moron that hit the bag with the hammer?"

The consensus at the end of the vigorous discussion that ensued was that everything was my fault and Dennis was a pretty good DM

Chapter 2

Our cast:

DM Dennis - The DM

Arturick - Myself

Larry - Another Player

Ed - The replacement for Rick, who stopped playing because he was bored.

DM Dennis - "Since you guys don't seem to be able to handle the difficulty level of my campaign, I want you to bring in the toughest character you've EVER played in any campaign and play that along with the two characters you already have."

Arturick - "Sure, why not. I'll bring out Arturick, the 11th level human chainsaw fighter."

Larry - "I'll play Welscar."

Arturick - "Isn't Welscar the character you based off of Arturick?"

Larry - "Hey, fighting with two longswords and all those S&P bonuses isn't exactly UNIQUE."

(Chrono's Note, S&P stands for skill and powers, one of the more overpowered 2nd edition supplements produced while 2nd edition was still around)

Ed - "I'll play Sparky."

Arturick - "Sparky?"

Ed - "He's a half-man half-dog. He tends to take after the dog side more. He's a 7th level ranger."

DM Dennis - "Alright, your characters wake up 20 years later. Evermeet has been mostly destroyed, but you find the remnants of the Elvish royalty. They tell you that the Witch-king of Angmar's hordes broke out of their magical prison 20 years ago when their bonds were destroyed by a magical shockwave that swept across the realms. Well, a war started among the gods and the land has been drastically changed. The chaos gods have been imprisoned..."

Arturick - "All my characters worship chaotic gods."

DM Dennis - "Not chaotic gods, the CHAOS gods. Like... Cthulhu."

(Chrono's Note: No, Cthulhu is not usually in D&D. And this was LONG before Call of cthulhu d20 was ever produced)

Arturick - "Let me guess, Larry's monk is a Cthulhu worshipper?"

Larry - "YOU hit the bag with your stupid hammer."

DM Dennis - "The Queen of Evermeet tells you that you have to get all the pieces to the Rod of Seven Parts. She knows that the first piece is in Kara-Tur, so you've got to go to the Eastern side of the island and catch a boat to Kara-Tur."

Arturick - "So, how many random encounters are there in two years at sea?"

DM Dennis - "It won't take two years. The world shrunk.
Arturick - "Of course."

A few minutes and three shots of Jaegermeister later:

Arturick - "So, there's a pack of trolls looking for us."

DM Dennis - "Yes, the troll in the middle is a BLACK troll, and he's wearing Full Plate Armor. He looks over where you guys are crouched in the woods, and starts squinting and reaching for the horn on his belt."

Arturick - "My cleric casts Silence centered on the horn. Charge."

A few minutes and a damn hard fight later:

DM Dennis - "Okay, that last 57 points of damage that Arturick did puts the troll down, but you see that he's regenerating fast."

Arturick - "I set him on fire."

DM Dennis - "You notice the fire isn't affecting him, and no he isn't wearing a Ring of Fire Resistance."

Ed - "My cleric casts Melf's Acid Arrow on him."

DM Dennis - "That doesn't do anything either. This is a BLACK troll."

Arturick - "Okay, then we run away again."

DM Dennis - "You run right into a pack of Giant Trolls."

Arturick - "Hrm... My guys have about 20 hit points between them."

Ed - "Sparky shoots an arrow at the trolls."

DM Dennis - "The arrow twists around in mid-air and hits Arturick's Kensai for full damage."

Arturick - "Okay, 12 hit points between my two CONCIOUS characters... Let me guess, another residual wild magic effect from being at Ground Zero?"

DM Dennis - "Yep. A red dragon with a drow on its back lands next to you and blasts the trolls into ash. You all get 10,000 XP."
(Chrono's Note: Red dragons in D&D are almost always evil, except in Eberron, and Eberron wasn't produced until 3rd edition)

Arturick - "Wow. We should shoot ourselves more often."

DM Dennis - "Stop whining, Arturick."

A few minutes and half a bottle of Jaegermeister later:

DM Dennis - "Okay, you've arrived at the port town and you head to the inn."

Arturick - "Well, my characters are going to sit in a corner and bask in their utter uselessness. Can I order my own drink, or do I need a red dragon to get it from the bar for me?"

Ed - "Arturick's fighter seems so grim. I'll cast Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Laughter on him."

DM Dennis - (rolling) "Okay, Arturick starts laughing."

Arturick - "As soon as I'm done laughing, I pull my swords and kill the mage."

DM Dennis - (rolls) "You try to run across the room, but you suddenly find yourself hovering a few feet off the ground. You see a female drow step up and look at you, shaking her finger."

Arturick - "I pull my crossbow and shoot the drow."

DM Dennis - "An arrow flashes past you and cuts your bow string. You see a female elf with green hair step up next to the drow."

Arturick - "I notice you didn't even have the dignity to roll something for that one. I start screaming, 'Drow!' and go for my throwing daggers."

DM Dennis - (rolls) "Something hits you in the side of the head and knocked you unconscious."

Arturick - "Fortunately, I have three sets of eyes in this campaign. What hit me?"

DM Dennis - "A huge, barbaric looking fellow with hands made of rock."

Arturick (Finishing the Jaeger) - "Great! Every character the *reproducing* DM has ever played in his *screwed*-up campaigns is in the bar with us, except for the dragon riding drow! Let me guess! They're going to be on the boat with us, too, right?"

DM Dennis - "Yes, actually. Arturick wakes up on the boat tied to a bed."

Arturick - (screaming at the top of his lungs and staggering around the room) "Guess what? I don't *mating* care! I'll stay in the bed. You know what? I'll have my two other characters tie themselves to THEIR beds because there's nothing in the world that's going to stop this boat with THREE DM controlled characters! Hell! Even if the boat sinks, I'll just hold my breath and wait for *bleeping* POSEIDON to rescue me!"

Larry - "Dude! You're going to freak out the neighbors!"

Arturick - "*have carnal knowledge of* YOU!" (Stumbles) "Pardon me, I'm going to puke now."

DM Dennis - "I guess we'll pick up here next week..."

Alright, I had some time to recover, so I'll finish off the tale of how I got kicked out of a gaming group.

Besides, my topics are getting pushed off the front page and GIN is going to start stealing my thunder, so I've got to run into the front room with chocolate on my face and my pants around my ankles yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! Look at me!" just as the bridge club arrives. But, enough about how I spent my late teens.

The cast of characters:
Arturick - Me, the new DM.

Dennis - The deposed DM who gave up the chair during a screaming drunken rage by Arturick.

Larry - A player known for destroying entire campaign worlds.

Ed - A player who just goes with whatever the other players are doing, no matter how stupid.

Having taken over role of DM, I had the party roll up new characters. After a great deal of aggravation, I allowed Dennis to run two characters. I have a psychotic need for at least four PCs in the party, and he just crawled up that weakness for all it was worth. So, I presented the following rules for character generation:

"No female characters. No Oriental characters. No Drow."

This announcement was met with a wave of complaints that I tried to simply dismiss. I warned them against arguing further, but I ended up taking a swig off my new bottle of Jaegermeister and screaming, "You guys aren't mature enough to role-play normal, adult male human beings from down the street!! I don't want to listen to your Beavis and Butthead rendition of a female drow stripper/ninja from Shou Lung!" That shut them up for a while. So, they worked on their characters while I worked on my Jaegermeister, trying to drink away the feeling of impending doom.

Dennis presented his first completed character. I noticed that this character was a Swashbuckler, and I had no problem with it until I noticed HE HAD AN UNARMORED AC OF 1!!!

(Note from Chrono: In 2nd edition D&D a low AC is better. For comparison purposes, a AC of zero can only be hit on a natural 20 by most first level monsters IIRC)

Apparently, his swishy, fair-featured Swashbuckler had skin as hard as leather armor among his many absurd bonuses. I crumpled up his character sheet (a computer printout, no biggy), and sent him back to the drawing board. He returned with an unarmored AC of 5, which I found better. His second character was a FEMALE elf fighter/thief, which I allowed just because I was feeling mellow.

Larry presented me with a Dwarven Fighter/Cleric. Strangely, he begins pestering me that his dwarf, named "Mattuck (pronounced Mah - TUCK) Orcdestroyer," comes from a long line of beekeepers.

"The Orcdestroyer family beekeeping business. I find that hysterically funny," I commented.
"Now, how are you trying to get a munchkin bonus out of it? You want better saving throws against poison than a NORMAL dwarf with (checking his sheet) a 17 CON?"

"No," he replies, "I want a jar of bee venom from the bees poison sacs." I stared at him for a long time, making sure to brace myself with a few more swigs of Jaeger. Finally, I exploded with laughter.

"You've spent your entire childhood milking poison out of honey bees?" I erupted with laughter again, and looked around to see the entire room looking at me as though they couldn't possibly understand what was so funny. That had me laughing so hard that my sides hurt. "I guess... (gasp) I guess dwarves live long enough for that. But, damn, you must have some gentle hands for a dwarf! Bwahahah! Okay... Fine... You can have a jar of bee venom. Hell, maybe you'll find a bad guy with allergies."

Ed presented me with the groups dual-wielding human chainsaw. I sighed, rolled my eyes, and accepted it.

Fast Forward...

The group had gotten itself up to level 4 after a couple of sessions, and they arrived at the town of Ashabenford. In Ashabenford, they learned of increasing conflicts between rival merchant costers, the Iron Throne and the Darkwater Brand. This didn't distract them from getting in trouble of course. I had prepared two NPC's that could be found in the local tavern who could be hired by the group. One was a female thief who specialized in trapspringing, which Dennis's thief couldn't do worth crap. The other NPC was an Evoker specializing in fire. So, Dennis (with his Swashbuckler) proceeds to flirt disgustingly with the thief until she leaves the tavern. He goes over to talk to the Evoker, and antagonizes him until they end up on the street. The Swashbuckler got partially blown up, and the Evoker fled the scene.

"I go back in the inn and flirt with the barmaids," Dennis says.

"Your clothing is covered with scorch marks and you're covered with fresh burns," I point out.

Almost simultaneously with this incident, Ed's fighter decides to follow Cain, the Darkwater Brand's local "enforcer" as he goes to speak to a local merchant. Ed hears things that he doesn't like, and he proceeds to challenge Cain to a duel in the middle of the street, away from the rest of the party. Well, I had made Cain to be a challenge for the entire party to fight at once, and the fight went like this:

DM Arturick - "Cain wins initiative. (rolls) He disarms you twice and hits you with his third attack for 10 points of damage."

Ed - "I pick up my swords."

DM Arturick - "(rolling) He disarms you twice and hits you for 8 points of damage."

Ed - "I pick up my swords."

DM Arturick - "(rolling) He disarms you twice and crits you for 24 points of damage."

Ed - "I'm unconscious."

DM Arturick - "He unbuckles his codpiece and relieves himself on your head."

Dennis had passed me a note saying that his fighter/rogue was watching this from hiding, and he dragged Ed's fighter off into the woods (the fighter/rogue was afraid of crowds, so rarely entered town and never went into a public building) for some first aid. Dennis spies on Cain the following day, and sees him hire a messenger. Dennis decides to ambush the messenger at the edge of town:

Dennis - "I shoot him in the shoulder as he rides out of town. I want to knock him off his horse without killing him. (rolls) I hit."

DM Arturick - "Okay, he falls from his horse with a scream of pain and lays on the ground, moaning loudly."

Dennis - "Before he gets up, I want to run up and hamstring him so he can't run away."
DM Arturick - "Uh... What's your alignment?"

Dennis - "Chaotic Good."

DM Arturick - "Riiiiii-ight. (Marks 'Chaotic Evil' next to the fighter/thief's name) You brutally cut the tendons in his legs as he tries to drag himself away from you. He screams incoherently, managing to choke out a hoarse beg for mercy."

Dennis - "I grab the arrow in his shoulder and start twisting it, then I ask him where he was taking his message."

DM Arturick - "He screams incoherently. His horse is completely spooked and has started running back to town, neighing wildly."

Dennis - "I twist the arrow harder and smack him across the face, then I repeat my question."

DM Arturick - "He passes out from the pain."

Dennis - "I start digging a grave."

DM Arturick - "You hear a shout. What are you doing to that man!? Three town guardsmen are running towards you."

Dennis - "I run into the woods."

Given the utter brutality of what was done to the messenger, a respected resident of the town, the town mayor begged some Knights of Myth Drannor to bring the elf in for justice. The Knights, high level rangers, tracked the fighter/thief down and subdued her. Dennis whined bitterly that they were humans and humans could NEVER sneak up on an elf in the woods. My response was something along the lines of, "Shut up now or lose the character." So, the elf gets drug into town before the magistrate and proceeds to insult the magistrate repeatedly. Ed and Larry beg for mercy and offer to do a service for the town if the magistrate will settle for simply banishing the elf rather than killing it. So, the magistrate agrees and sends the party to reclaim a ruined fortress in the woods to the east of town. The fortress has been occupied by unusually organized and well-equipped bandits. Of course, getting all the way to the eastern edge of town without incident would have been too easy.

Dennis - "When we get to the edge of town, I'm going to cut my palm with my dagger and write, 'The people of this town will die like dogs before the year is out,' on the wall of a building in my own blood in DROW."

DM Arturick - "Well, the Knights who are hidden nearby watching you write that will be sure to warn the mayor once they translate that. Of course, you don't know about them."

Dennis - "They're HUMAN! How can they be hiding from an elf in the woods!?"

DM Arturick - "Hey, you bring me any official rulebook that says a human ranger can't hide from an elf, and I'll carefully consider your argument before Rule Zeroing that book out of my campaign. Until then, shut the *Fornication Under Consent of the King* up, you Chaotic Evil twit."

So, they go off into the woods, complaining bitterly that there were no CATAPULTS for sale in Ashabenford. I designed a reconstructed fortress occupied by 40 bandits, a Cleric of Cyric, and two lesser priests. Of course, this was a bit much for a small group, which is why I made the bandits send out scouting groups of five bandits each. My plan was for them to ambush a few scouting groups before making their final move on the fortress. Of course, they decided to go straight for the prize.

They approach the fortress at night. Most of the party hides at the treeline, while Dennis's fighter/thief climbs the wall. He sees two guards, effectively blinded by their torches, chatting at the front of the battlements while a third guard stood around at the back looking bored. He dispatches the rear guard with a backstab, then rolls fantastically to sneak up on the two others.

Dennis - "I shove both of them over the side of the battlements."

DM Arturick - "Into the courtyard, or OVER the crenellations and outside the walls?"

Dennis - "Over the crenellations."

DM Arturick - "Uh huh... How much does your character weigh, and what's her strength?"

Dennis - "She has a 14 STR and weighs 95 lbs."

DM Arturick - "Roll a d20. You want to roll low... VERY low."

Dennis rolled a 19, which was much higher that "2 or less" difficulty I had placed on this feat. So, his character gets carved up, jumps off the wall to escape, and the party begins firing arrows at the guards from the tree line. The clerics of Cyric soon appeared on the battlements with Produce Flame spells ready and began hurling fire into the woods. So, the party retreated.

The party comes back the very next night, and doesn't see any guards on the battlements. So, Dennis's elf climbs back up the wall, and I gave him a 25% chance of hitting one of the Glyphs Of Warding that the head cleric had placed at the tops of the walls. I rolled 23%, and a loud explosion sent the elf flying back into the party. Guards popped over the top of the wall and fired Light spell-bearing arrows into the darkness and proceeded to drive the party off once again.

The party comes back the next night. Lather, rinse, explode, repeat.

Well, according to Volo's Guide to the Dalelands, this particular ruin was briefly held by the Cult of the Dragon, and they kinda wanted it back. The party never said they were preventing the Cult from coming in, they just agreed to get the bandits out. So, had them run into a cleric and five fighters from the Cult who were all about two levels higher than the party. I figured they would bring the party to the fortress with them, and the party could sneak away during the battle, letting the Cultists soften up the bandits for them. However, just when the party and the Cultists had agreed to take the fortress together, the party proposes a plan that basically consists of, "So, you guys go first and we'll hang in back." The Lawful, Neutral, and Chaotic Evil Cultists didn't like that plan.

Dennis - "What are you people? Women? Why, I've seen kobolds braver than you simpering cowards!"

DM Arturick - "Who said that?"

Dennis - "My elf."

DM Arturick - "Your FEMALE elf accused them of being women. Alright, that's almost funny enough to let you live, but they're going to kill you now."

Ed - "I'm not defending him."

Larry - "Neither am I."

A brief, ugly fight ensues in which Dennis's two characters are knocked unconscious.

DM Arturick - "Alright, they seem to be crucifying the elf, cutting away her clothing, and muttering something about how 'it's been a while.'"

Ed - "I can't allow that. I attack!"

Larry - "I'm staying out of it."

A brief, uglier fight results in an unconscious Ed.

DM Arturick - "The Cultists, one of whom is slightly injured, are looking at your dwarf and obviously wondering if you intend to take them all on yourself."

Larry - "Oh, what the hell..."

Amazingly, Larry beat them all. A combination of two Hold Persons and very poor saving throws paralyzed all the Cultists except one, and that one guy rolled the 5% chance to have a severe allergy to bee venom.

Well, the battered party gave up on the fortress and went straight back to Ashabenford. Everyone went into town except for the elf, of course, so the Knights had little difficulty ambushing the elf and bringing it back to the town's dungeons. The mayor, after being told of the death threat, and learning that the party had failed to clear out the fortress, decreed that the elf would be executed the next day.

DM Arturick - "Okay, Dennis's elf wakes up with one hit point."

Ed - "I tell her that she's slated to be executed."

Larry - "I'm waiting outside."

DM Arturick - "Larry, you see the mayor and the three Knights entering the building."

Dennis - "I start praying loudly to Lolth."

Dm Arturick - "Great! Lolth is always looking for surface worshippers, and she thinks its funny that a surface elf would start praying to her. So, spiders beginning appearing from nowhere and crawling around your dungeon cell. You hear a voice behind you saying, 'She's invoking power from Lolth! We must kill her now!' The three Knights enter the room with swords drawn.

Dennis - "My Swashbuckler attacks them!"

Unfortunately, Volo's Guide to the Dalelands says that the mayor of Ashabenford is a fairly powerful fighter with a Rod of Lordly Might. So, the whole party might have beaten the three Knights, but the mayor inflicted some beat down, especially since the party attacked them ONE PC AT A TIME (see Dragon Cult fight above). So, the Swashbuckler, Human Chainsaw, Lolth Worshipping Surface Elf, and Dwarven Beekeeper all died in exactly that order.

I was informed that I sucked as a DM and that I was excessively rules lawyery and I sucked the fun out of the game. They told me that a guy named Vic was starting his own campaign. They wanted to join his campaign, and I was not invited.

That is how I was, for the first and only time, kicked out of a gaming group

And by the way, His signature on the boards was-
Okay, so my 2nd edition/Skills&Powers human chainsaw chews through the third dragon and... Why is the DM tearing up his notes?

I have no words....That was just epic.

Oh look I think I see a teal deer! no wait...

OT: Wow those guys sound awful, I think you should be glad your no longer gaming with them. Find some guys with a intelligence score of over 14 and play some DnD.

That sounds a bit like my roleplay group. We get into a lot of crazy situations because of the dicks in the group, but we try to deal. I imagine it would go a lot worse if we were drunk at the same time though.

i liked that, DMing for the first time tommorow, with a bunch of begginers, half of whom have no clue what D&D is, i sure have dropped myself in the deep end, anyway was fun to read, any more funny D&D storys?

Oh wow... First GM was... horrible to say the least. And that elf character in the second game... wow... just wow... Where the hell did you dug up those guys?

batlerager is from the drizzt book series, they are barbarians who have sharp armor and kill by tackeling the enemy and thrashing them to pieces.

27 points of damage to an orc, they have an average of like 6 hp. LOL.

Sounds like the "DM" never played a D&D game before in his life. (I kind of expect that kind of stupidity from some players...But DMs?)

I... read it... all?
But why?!

That sounds hilarious. But tbh I'm pretty certain I would have bottled the guy being a prick WELL before things got that out of hand.

WOW! I am glad my DM is really cool. Anightmare but freakin' awesome to read!

that was epic, especially with the second dm. absolutely epic, good campaign, stupid party.

Oh gawd I want to play D&D now. Still, a good, entertaining thread.

Anyone who wants more D&D humour could go and look at Shamus Young's DM of the Rings.

That was pretty funny. Almost makes me want to give the game a try and see how many crazy situations we can get into.

I've always wanted to take part in a great DnD campaign. This sounded nightmarish, but it still makes me wish I could find a no hassle group to play with.

Wall of text...I can't read it all.

man, I need to play more dnd.

Amazingly, Larry beat them all. A combination of two Hold Persons and very poor saving throws paralyzed all the Cultists except one, and that one guy rolled the 5% chance to have a severe allergy to bee venom.

This made me laugh so hard. The rest was still gold but this, wow.

Lol, i have played a fair bit and had my my run in s with munchkins and lets say overenthusiastic players, but i remember the dragon magazine had a few funny ones.
There was this one guy who self dm'd himself to a massive level and got himself immune to everything except +3 warclubs (?) wrote in asking for a challenge, A group that asked if sex was possible in dnd and if so how do you do it hehe but my favourite story was erik and the gazebo

the difference between real men, munckins, loonies and real rpg'ers

but obviously alcohol has a lot to do with bad decisions, i had a player who once (after half a bottle of vodka in real life and a couple o pints in the game) wandered out into the middle of a stonehenge type arangement that had a sacrficial altar in the centre, lay down and go to sleep on the altar, he had been sent to investigate strange goings on in the area with people disappearing in strange circumstances and their bodies being found later with evidence of them being bound and sacrificed to something with sharp pointy teeth, and he, with his sharp sherlock holmes style deductive skills (couldnt think of anything else to do) decided that he could find out what was happening if he lay down on the altar (while drunk) at midnight (the time of the disappearnces and the weird howling). He was right, he did find out.
the character coming across a slightly glowing chest covered in protective magic symbols, he wasnt a thief and wanted a look inside so he picked up a rock. put the tip of his indestructible dagger in the jam and tried to hammer it open. Lets just say the only survivor was the dagger.
And one of my other favourites was the party members had come into a crypt and the was an obvious coffin on a stone bier underneath a pristine white shroud with holy symbols upon it, the character was into looting coffins so he whipped off the cloth and looked inside, and inside was a vampire just starting to wake up. He grabs his lamp, backs away to the door and tells the vamp that if he wants his magic cloak back he had better leave him alone, the vampire (who was trpped in the coffing by the holy shroud was puzzled but laughed anyway and the pc went well i warned you and set fire to the holy shroud, and when it was burnt fully looked back at the vamp and said take that, i was laughing so hard that i had to go get tea before i could start again.

Hilarious. I like how you actually rolled to see if any characters were allergic to bees.

Oh man, I am so glad none of my gaming group is like those guys - sure, we do stupid impulsive things sometimes, and set fire to stuff more often than is really needed, but damn. Makes for some seriously funny stories after the fact though!

Wow, this is hilarious. That group sounds more dysfunctional than The Black Hands from KODT, and that's saying something.

One nitpick, though:


(Chrono's Note: No, Cthulhu is not usually in D&D. And this was LONG before Call of cthulhu d20 was ever produced)

Cthulu was in the early editions of the Monster Manual. He was only taken out when TSR got sued over the character.

Wow, this is hilarious. That group sounds more dysfunctional than The Black Hands from KODT, and that's saying something.

One nitpick, though:


(Chrono's Note: No, Cthulhu is not usually in D&D. And this was LONG before Call of cthulhu d20 was ever produced)

Cthulu was in the early editions of the Monster Manual. He was only taken out when TSR got sued over the character.

True, but that was 1st Edition and this was a story about 2nd - by that point he'd already been lawyered away.

Gildan Bladeborn:

Wow, this is hilarious. That group sounds more dysfunctional than The Black Hands from KODT, and that's saying something.

One nitpick, though:


(Chrono's Note: No, Cthulhu is not usually in D&D. And this was LONG before Call of cthulhu d20 was ever produced)

Cthulu was in the early editions of the Monster Manual. He was only taken out when TSR got sued over the character.

True, but that was 1st Edition and this was a story about 2nd - by that point he'd already been lawyered away.

True enough, but I'm pretty sure 3rd edition was the first major shakeup, so it shouldn't have taken much to import the stats. Besides, as crazy of a DM as that guy was, I wouldn't put it past him to do it regardless of how hard it was.

Wow I'm glad i read all that... AWESOME!

Perhaps I should clarify, I am not Arturick, I am merely someone who saved his posts.


Gildan Bladeborn:

Wow, this is hilarious. That group sounds more dysfunctional than The Black Hands from KODT, and that's saying something.

One nitpick, though:


(Chrono's Note: No, Cthulhu is not usually in D&D. And this was LONG before Call of cthulhu d20 was ever produced)

Cthulu was in the early editions of the Monster Manual. He was only taken out when TSR got sued over the character.

True, but that was 1st Edition and this was a story about 2nd - by that point he'd already been lawyered away.

True enough, but I'm pretty sure 3rd edition was the first major shakeup, so it shouldn't have taken much to import the stats. Besides, as crazy of a DM as that guy was, I wouldn't put it past him to do it regardless of how hard it was.

The AD&D book Deities & Demigods (the D&D book D&D?) has a listing of several nasties from the Cthulu universe. It's buried far deep in a remote closet not at my current address so I can't fact-check, but IIRC, it had enough relevant statistics to easily port the mythos into a 2nd edition game.

Wow, Dennis sucks and is retarded. And it seems like they never gave you the chance to have sections not filled with rules.

sounds like a friend of mine's DMing... we had a female elf bard in our party and if anyone misbehaved they threaten to off the cute little elf bard... my favourite trick as a dwarf thief was stealing the clothes people were wearing.... it rarely went well...

I'm conflicted, that was really funny but it also made me really sad.

to lazy to read it all
so yes?

Yeaaah i kinda did the same.

Super awesome and funny as hell! I'm so glad that in my 15+ years of playing D&D I have never come across morons such as those.

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