Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, a Spoiler Review

(Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit unprofessional blog post written by an unprofessional blog poster. All purported facts and statement are little more than the subjective, biased opinion of said blog poster. In other words, don't take anything I say too seriously. I enjoyed all 5 Michael Bay Transformers films, for crying out loud.)

Just the facts 'Cause you're in a Hurry!

Ticket Price: Will Vary Theater to Theater

How much I paid: Nothing. A friend took me to a screening.

Rated: PG-13 for sci-fi violence and action.

Running time: 142 minutes (2 Hours and 22 Minutes)

3-D: Yes, but I didn't see it in 3-D.

Post-Credits Sequences: None.

My Personal Biases: I've watched all of the main Star Wars films. I'm mixed on the Phantom Menace. I actually like Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. I like the Original Trilogy. I'm okay on The Force Awakens. I actually really like Rogue One. I do not actively dislike the Last Jedi. I haven't seen any of the Star Wars Cartoons past Rebels. I have not seen Solo or the Mandalorian. Knights of the Old Republic 1 and 2 are among my favorite games. I had a subscription to the Star Wars: The Old Republic MMO. I haven't played Jedi Fallen Order. I have not read any of the Star Wars books.

Did you read the leaks online: Yes.

Are the leaks close to the theatrical release?: Pretty much, though a subplot about Lando Calrissian's long lost daughter seems to have been removed.

Wait, is Rose Tico in this?: Yes, but she's basically a background character. She hangs around the Resistance base delivering exposition with Leia.

Is Admiral Holdo in this?: Not that I saw. I heard people say she's a voiceover Force Ghost but the ghosts's voices overlap so much, I couldn't tell one voice from the other.

My Verdict: After all that's said and done, it feels like the sequel trilogy doesn't add up to the sum of its individual parts. It feels as though Abrams and Johnson's visions for Star Wars have vastly differed and without someone such as producer Kevin Feige to oversee the plotline, it sort of feels like a mess. Still, I had fun.

(Warning: SPOILERS ahead!)

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, a Spoiler Review

Ever since Disney acquired LucasFilms, there's been a curiousity that Disney would make the new Star Wars films better than the prequel trilogy of George Lucas' vision. After the divisive reaction between fans and critics over The Last Jedi, what will returning director J.J. Abrams do?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Haters and Fans, HK units and Meatbags, this is a review of Star Wars: Rise of the Skywalker.

One year after the Battle of Crait, Kylo Ren obtains a Sith Wayfinder device and travels to the planet Exegol. He discovers a physically impaired Palpatine, who reveals he created Snoke as a puppet to control the First Order and lure Kylo to the dark side. Palpatine unveils a secret armada of Star Destroyers and tells Kylo to find Rey, who is continuing her Jedi training under General Leia Organa. Meanwhile, Finn, Poe, and Chewbacca retrieve information on Kylo's discovery originating from a First Order mole. After learning that Palpatine has returned, Rey discovers notes on a Sith artifact in the Jedi texts Luke Skywalker left behind. Rey, Poe, Finn, Chewbacca, BB-8, and C-3PO leave for Passanna to seek a contact Luke knew, while R2-D2 stays behind with Leia.

Rey and Kylo Ren's lightsaber duels are nothing compared to the dueling tones and continuities' of Rian Johnson's revisionist take and J.J. Abrams overwhelming need to pay tribute to the Original Trilogy.

It feels especially after the mixed reception from the Last Jedi, Rise of the Skywalker is the film they made to appease everyone, even going so far as to contradict the last movie. I have an easier time believing Ant-man and the Guardians of the Galaxy belong in the same cinematic franchise than The Last Jedi and Rise of the Skywalker.

I'm going to spoil the film so I'll give my verdict and explain how I felt after the cut. If you don't want to be spoiled, look away now!

Verdict: Matinee and turn your brain off.


CAVEAT: You know what's weird? For all talk about continuity and lore and fanservice, the one franchise I do think accomplishes what the new Star Wars trilogy was trying to do is the Marvel Cinematic Universe (which is also a Disney owned subsidiary AND promotes an inclusive globalist message). I realize the strength of the MCU comes from the fact they can do prequels, sequels and side stories in the universe and develop individual characters and do ensemble pieces since all the character work is in the other movies.

Meanwhile, Rise of the Skywalker is overstuffed with giving each of the characters screentime, dealing with the continuity and paying homage to the original movies.

However I feel about Rey, Finn, Poe, Kylo Ren, Rose and BB-8, it just doesn't seem to mesh together as seamlessly as Groot meeting Steve Rogers.

Does that feel weird to anyone else?

In a film franchise that gave us Midichlorians, Pod Racing, Jar Jar, the Clones, and Boss Nass, it doesn't really surprise me that the silly stuff here is going to be added among those. The effects are handsome looking, the score is awesome and I'll probably bring my family to a screening just to spend the Holidays together, but it didn't really come together for me.

I don't need a retcon. I don't need an extended cut. I won't sign a petition asking for LucasFilms to rewrite the movie. And I don't think people that genuinely enjoyed this movie are paid shills (which clearly doesn't work since this film has a Rotten Critic score on Rotten Tomatoes).

To me, this silly movie is just as canon as Anakin Skywalker being a snot nosed 9 year old who said cheesy lines about angels to older women. And I'll buy the Rifftrax track for this film so I can rewatch it again with the commentary.

Then again, what do I know? I'm just some anonymous jerk on the internet.


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