This post is long. You hath been warned.
Directed by David Flores
Written by Todd Hrvitz, Howie Miller
It's a Sci-Fi channel movie, you think that can afford actors?
Tagline: Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the brackish Northeastern lake water surely filled with things that simply scream "come swimming in our crystal black waters" which is basically a swamp but what the fuck do I know.
What I want to know is this: who decided there absolutely HAD to be a second Lake Placid movie? Now, let it be known that I actually liked the first one, and the obvious sequel set-up ending was funny, but I didn't think there was any need whatsoever for them to actually follow through with it. But leave it to the Sci-Fi channel to make a sequel no one asked for. Sci-Fi channel being the one who have produced such memorable films as... actually they've all fucking sucked beyond natural reason to the point where alternate universe have imploded as a result of its trans-universal suckage. What horrible concept can we take and make a movie out of today? I know: A giant crocodile. A lake in Maine. A quirky cast. We'll call it Lake Placid! What do you mean that movie was already made and also was titled Lake Placid? Well hell then, we'll make the same movie, only we'll call it Lake Placid 2!
And so it begins.
You can tell it's a made for TV movie right away by the fact the entire credits play over generic aerial shots, in capitalized Time New Roman font. Nothing says high quality like serifs. Yay serifs! The obligatory critter POV shots not seen since Jaws 3, and you're introduced to the first victims: a couple of hippy scum. There's the fat stupid one and the skinny one with the hat. Fat one says he's freaked out by the lake, because in the last couple of years two people have vanished. But in the last six month, five people have. Good to know Greenpeace teaches its members math. The only reason global warming exists is because these idiots keep forgetting to carry the one. Anyway, the one examines a sample of purple water, which tells me right away that maybe they shouldn't be on that lake. I mean what fucking water is purple?
Also fat one is one of the worst actors ever. Huzzah for the fat guy. Luckily a crocodile--oops, did I spoil it? I mean "unseen critter" fucker--grabs him and pulls him into the lake, removing one of his arms in a gloriously terrible CGI effect. After flopping about for a bit, croc pulls him under and finishes him off, pulling the other arm off. We then see his shoe, which was pulled under, floating perfectly on the water. A leather hiking boot. I was not aware these floated like algae. But apparently they do.
Because they FORGOT TO CARRY THE FUCKING ONE!
The next day, a guy with a bitching hairdo arrives. I don't even care who he is or what his name is, that hair is a character in of itself. Apparently he's the sheriff, and his son (there thanks to a custody agreement) is not pleased with the boring nature of the place. His name is Riley, which I figure deserves mention because of the fucking hair. Luke Skywalker's hair had less feather and body than this guy. I bet women simply leap at his crotch. One flick of the hair and you're impregnated. Even if you're a male. Thus is the power of the hair. Anyway, the son has a thing for one of the local chicks. While Hair drives away he lets out a laugh that can only mean one thing: I am going to impregnate your dream girl with my hair while you sit on the stairs. HAHA he exclaims. Actually he asks the girl to be interested in his son. RESPECT THE HAIR!
Anyway, Hair drives into town to deal with the missing fat man. Some nosy reporter type guy asks what's going on. Is it a serial killer? An animal? An Al-Qaeda jihad? Damn terrorists killing environmental protection agency fatmen. Today the EPA, tomorrow the world! He interviews the surviving EPA guy, who describes the event, and for some reason fails to mention the fact that not only one arm was ripped off, but the other ended up splattered on his chest. Instead of simply telling the sheriff, he takes him into the morgue and shows him an arm and a leg. Good lord, this movie literally cost people an arm and a leg.
Enter the plucky blond female EPA lady who will surely be the token love interest who you surely would never see in the field. Meanwhile the EPA guy is swinging the dead guy's leg around. I don't even know what to say about that. Anyway, the sheriff figures it was probably a cougar or sick bear or perhaps some sort of amphibious marine squirrel. I'm sorry, but I live in the city, but even I know that sick bears tend to not like to hunt for food in a middle of a lake. While puttering along the lake in a boat they spot the house from the first movie, now inhabited by the sister of Betty White's character who apparently went missing. Gee, I wonder why. Also, this movie is only set ten years after the first. So why does no one immediately think of crocodiles?
Sheriff: Good lord, we have five missing people, and now an arm and a leg are all that's left of a sixth.
EPA guy: I wonder what could have done it.
Sheriff: You know, ten years back some people say there were two forty five foot crocodiles in the lake.
EPA guy: They caught one. It's in a zoo.
Sheriff: Oh please, that's just a legend. It was probably a sick bear or Jean the rapist.
EPA chick: He likes big butts.
Sheriff: And he cannot lie.
EPA guy: But you just said their were crocodiles.
EPA chick: ...
*Sheriff shoots him with a shotgun*
Sheriff: Oh no, the sick bear got him! DAMN YOU AQUATIC GRIZZLY OF DEATH! WHY MUST YOU OH SO CRUELLY DEFEND YOUR DOMAIN?!
So then EPA chick says that if there was a giant crocodile it surely would have been newsworthy.
TWO GIANT 45 FOOT CROCODILES ATE PEOPLE!
ONE OF THEM ATE A FUCKING HELICOPTER FOR CHRIST SAKE!
So then they spot something under the brown water twenty feet away. And naturally EPA chick decides to strip and dive in to check. And it turns out to be the severed partially digested head of the fat guy. So, hold on. From twenty feet away, they spotted the black rotting head under brown water, and their first reaction is for the chick to strip and dive in? So now with an arm, a leg, and a head the EPA guy says surely this is all the proof they need. But the others say it's just another piece of the puzzle. So then they decide to go talk to the crazy lady.
EPA guy: Oh my God, a severed head!
Sheriff: Woah, you're still alive? I shot you--I mean the sick bear got you!
EPA guy: Surely this is proof!
Sheriff: I know, let's go talk to the crazy lady whose missing sister went missing and supposedly fed giant crocodiles less than ten years ago not that that's what they are.
EPA guy: How the fuck did you become--
*Sheriff shoots him*
Sheriff: DAMN YOU SICK BEAR!
Sadly Cloris Leachman is no substitute for the foul mouthed old whore that was Betty White, God bless her filthy mouth. So naturally they decide hey, let's search the lake. Because you never know what you may find. Meanwhile the EPA guy's probably thinking why it couldn't have been him the croc took, at least it would have been quick.
Meanwhile sheriff's son is wandering the forest, when the object of his affection arrives, along with her jerk of a boyfriend. Yes, this is not cliched in the slightest. It carries on as you would expect, while out in the water a poorly composited crocodile--I mean, mystery critter fucker--looks on. Back at the crazy old lady's house, the nosy reporter has arrived and is asking questions. What I want to know is, in the first one you could only reach the house by a boat or by trail. So how did the reporter get out here with no shoes? Anyway, old lady says it's snack time, but not for them. She tells reporter to stand right on the edge to get a better shot of the panicking fish as they mysteriously approach the dock.
THEN THE GIANT CROC KILLS THE FUCK OUT OF HIM!
Meanwhile, the sheriff and duo are exploring the lake, when for no apparent reason the EPA guy falls out of the boat. So then the chick says that a local gossip guy and a crazy old lady don't make giant crocs real. Apparently they were not present when the last surviving croc was transported via flatbed to a zoo. And then they not only see the croc, it attacks their boat. And when I say attacks their boat, I mean it breaks it down to its base subatomic elements. Then it realizes the terrible CGI boat isn't worth its time and heads after the people. EPA guy makes it to land where he helpfully yells for them to hurry up. Yes, I am in the water with a giant croc, I am going to slowly float about waiting for it to eat me.
Then the single worst CGI plane ever made in the history of the planet arrives. It literally looks worse than anal sex between two hairy fat men. Anyway, it's piloted by none other than some slimy poacher and his black slave. Seriously, he just stands there looking like he's deep in thought, occasionally throwing out monosyllabic expressions that do nothing but underline his thoughtfulness. I have expected his name to be !kwame.
Meanwhile, a gang of teens (including the sheriff's son, the love interest, and the token skank) have arrived at a small secluded beach where they plan to have a party while generic nu-metal plays in the background. Horribly cliched teenage antics (like pushing people into the water and crude sexual innuendo) follow.
But back at the horrible CGI plane the newly arrived great white poacher, sheriff, hell the whole fucking crew is hanging around getting ready to go sick bear hunting. One of the sheriff's deputies arrive bringing with him a small arsenal, which is good because they're going to need it, sick bears are ridiculously hard to kill. The poacher is ordering his slave around, who offers up helpful hints but is completely ignored much to his dismay. Despite the guy having an endless supply of fire power, EPA chick wants to bring the animal in alive in the humane way. Did none of you watch the first movie? That did not work well. And you ended up blowing one of them to hell and back anyway, and this time around you have three instead of two. Let him take out a couple, why not. The CG animators are probably itching to show off their mediocre skills.
Anyway, sheriff's son is wandering the forest and finds what appears to be some sort of complex sentient beaver hovel. Or it must be, considering how he looks at it. He then hears a sound, but no fear, it's just a white rabbit. Wait, HOLY FUCKING SHIT A WHITE RABBIT! HAVEN'T YOU SEEN MONTY PYTHON?! FORGET THE FUCKING CROCODILES--I MEAN MYSTERIOUS CRITTER FUCKERS--GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE BOY! WHERE IS THE HOLY HAND GRENADE?! But he's smart, he actually turns around and gets the hell out of there.
That actually startled me.
Meanwhile back on the lake, the poacher is going on about the croc's killing habits, because EPA officers and experienced hunters have no idea what crocs do.
Their plan involves a net and a turtle for bait.
ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY NET! GLORY UNTO THE NET!
I swear to God if these guys fuck up a net I just don't care anymore.
Poacher doesn't think it will work, and rightly so. The net ends up tripped by a wild boar. In an attempt to get it down, they poke it with a stick.
GLORY TO THE STICK!
Unfortunately for the boar the croc arrives at just that moment and grabs the net, making off into the forest. Are these people deaf? This is a 45 foot croc weighing at least a ton, and they don't hear it SNEAKING UP BEHIND THEM?! Seriously, they all turn around and oh hey look, the croc. So they plan to tie up the snout, and Mr. Deputy takes the rope and goes to take care of it. He tries securing it with a boyscout knot.
So now he has no arm and the EPA guy is sent flying through the air where he bounces off several trees, because apparently rubber trees are in Maine now. I mean fuck, they have giant crocs, why not rubber trees? Or sick bear trees, if you listen to the sheriff. So then the croc grabs the deputy and shuffles off into the lake. Also the EPA guy was apparently killed by the tree. So now naturally they are pissed at the croc and decide to say fuck it and shoot the bastard. Out come the shotguns. YE--MOTHER FUCKING--HAW! It does nothing of course. Which is to be expected.
Meanwhile back at the small beach, the gang is doing nothing useful whatsoever. The slut is sunbathing topless, the Hardy Boys plus chick and dog are heading off to check out the croc pit, and back on the lake the crew are getting ready to go croc hunting. Poacher tells the story of his slave: he single-handedly, with his bare hands, killed a lion. FUCK YEAH MOTHER FUCKER! YOU SPIT ON THAT LIONS ASS AND RAPE IT! SHOW IT WHO'S BOSS! Anyway, the idiot teens are wandering through the forest and reach the pit thing. The jerk jock decides hey, let's poke around in it just for the hell of it. But back at the lake they're chattering about guns now. The poacher also has a rapid fire grenade launcher. I don't know much about US law, but I am pretty sure you cannot walk around carrying a fucking automatic grenade launcher. But in Maine apparently you can.
I'm living in the wrong country.
Anyway, EPA chick is upset that because of her decision to try and capture the croc two men are dead. Sheriff then helps by saying, and I quote, "Sure they're dead, they got chewed up into little pieces, but they knew that going in." Thanks man, that makes me feel so much better. And it's important to make sure that the two of them don't die. Fuck everyone else. But back at the small beach, one of the idiot teens is out wading with the dog. So then the croc shows up on the beach and bites the feet off the slut chick. Then it grabs her and pulls her into the water. One down, four to go.
Back at the lake, the crew are getting ready to head out. EPA chick is in full blown depressed mode, the slave is talking voodoo, and the poacher is fully fucking loaded and so cocked, locked, and ready to rock he's carrying his dick around in a wheelbarrow. Or as I like to call it, a cocktrolly. Meanwhile in the forest the trio are tossing around some croc eggs they found in the nest. Yes, this is wise. The jock says he's never seen eggs like that. Yes, they aren't eggs, they are a pile of perfectly spherical white rocks. Damn you nature, and your concentric ways! But at that exact moment the giant croc shows up. He doesn't believe them when they say there's a giant croc behind him. Because the growling and hissing is impossible to hear. Anyway, it grabs him and pulls him into its nest, so he's done.
The chick then asks what happened, what is that thing? Firstly, it just killed the fuck out of the jock, that's what happened. Secondly, you just said it was a croc bitch! I mean fuck me running, are you stupid or just a retard? Or both? Either way, back on the lake they've apparently mounted a giant harpoon gun to a boat. So while these guys are out with a fucking harpoon gun and a dead pig hanging from the front, the poacher is flying around in his CGI plane with a fucking grenade launcher. There are exactly twenty two things in that sentence that do not make any sense whatsoever.
But fucking whatever, Maine rules if you can drive around in a harpoon gun toting boat with an automatic grenade launcher plane flying cover.
As slave lines up another harpoon for the kill shot, poacher swoops down in an attempt to distract the croc so that he can have the kill shot. Unfortunately he flies directly in front of the boat right as they fire the harpoon, which naturally results in the boat shattering into several hundred pieces and the plane crashing. Yes, this worked. So then the slave leaps onto the back of the 45 foot croc and starts stabbing it with a machette. FUCKING RIGHTS MAN! HE KILLS THE 45 FOOT GIANT CROC FUCKER WITH HIS MACHETTE! God damn if he didn't pull his pants down and fuck that croc right there while raising his arms and letting out a bare chested battle cry. Graaaaaaaaaah! I need a new fucking pair of pants!
Celebrating their glorious victory, the crew sit around a fire smoking cigars, drinking Whiskey, and eating croc steaks. Slave finally decides to rebel, considering his debt repaid and leaving on his own adventure, surely rivaling that of Milo and Otis. Luckily at that exact moment some thunder and lightening hit, ensuring that any new appearance of the croc will be obscured. Speaking of the croc, he just happens to show up. Remember, there are three in this movie. Also, apparently the two idiot teens are lost in the forest. How the fuck does this happen? Go back the way you came and go home. The girl's major complaints are she's cold, wet, and hungry. I guess she really didn't give a fuck about her boyfriend getting munched by a croc. Luckily for them the last surviving idiot teen shows up and has a complete breakdown.
Back at the camp the croc decides it wants to munch on Mr. Poacher. Luckily Slave shows up and attacks it with his machete. Go you bastard go! Meanwhile everyone else watches. Yes, don't help or anything. Unfortunately it manages to get its jaws on slave and carries him off into the lake. So then they radio the last surviving deputy to inform her that things aren't exactly going too well. Also, she just happens to remember about the sheriff's son. The son and gang, by the way, find themselves standing face to face with a croc. With nowhere to run, they decide hey, let's climb a tree. Anyway, the crew head to the crazy ladies house. Their primary argument is that peoples lives are at stake. Yeah, screw the other half dozen people who have died. She tells them that there are three of them. Max, George Junior, and Big Girl Martha. Back in the forest, the white rabbit shows up.
WHERE THE FUCK IS THE HOLY HAND GRENADE FOR FUCK SAKE?!
Day arrives, and the gang is still hanging out in the tree. The crew meanwhile find the jock's corpse in the croc's nest. Sheriff decides they should steal the eggs and split up. Who in the fuck put this guy in charge? I mean honestly?
Poacher: Let's blow up the eggs, run, then finish the two crocs.
Sheriff: No! We need to steal the eggs and split up!
Poacher: ...or we could blow up the eggs.
EPA chick: No, we need them for research!
Poacher: They're crocs who have been fed growth hormone laced beef, no research needed. Let's blow them up.
Sheriff: *cocks shotgun* Careful, I hear a sick bear. Also, give me your grenade launcher.
Sheriff: OBEY THE HAIR!
But back at the tree, the idiot teen falls asleep and falls out of the tree. The fuck is he, narcoleptic? You're being attacked by a giant croc and this is somehow boring you? Jesus.
So instead of getting up and running, he lies there laughing. Also, he is on top of the croc. So it kills the fuck out of him. Sheriff son thinks that now that it's eaten they should run while it's not focusing on them, lest they not get another chance. However, croc number two shows up and they find that oh shit, we should have stayed up the fucking tree. So then they run, and two crocs can't catch them. Also the dumb fucking skank trips. SHE FUCKING TRIPS! SWEET JUMPING BEJESUS CRACKERS! No matter, as sheriff shows up with the grenade launcher and blows one of them away. And I mean literally. Its head explodes, then they stopped rendering it and its body disappears. It's like that scene in Holy Grail when the animator has a heart attack and the monster just vanishes.
This whole movie is like some twisted parody of Monty Python and the Holy Grail but with giant crocodiles.
Then sheriff says there's another one of those things around there. Yeah, it was chasing them. Anyway, back at the nest they've gathered up the eggs, because it's just the smart thing to do. So sheriff drops off son and stupid chick at the crazy old lady's house, but sheriff son decides he wants to go along and help. Then sheriff points at his head with his rifle, but it's okay, the hair is bulletproof. Poacher meanwhile is climbing a tree to get a shot at the nest. Sheriff meanwhile rigs some meat with explosives. Back at crazy lady's house, bitch calls the crocs everything BUT crocs. Ugly monsters, creatures, and so on. Despite already calling them crocs. Have you no memory? What is your name? REMEMBER IT! Anyway, crazy lady forces her out onto the dock. Sheriff son meanwhile is too busy changing a light bulb to really care. Luckily the croc just grabs crazy lady, but it HUNGERS! FOR MOOOOORE!
Also apparently this is a fourth croc.
And then that fucking white rabbit shows up again.
Anyway, the eggs start chirping, which means they're about to hatch. And momma croc isn't happy her eggs aren't in her nest anymore. Then EPA chick kills the croc with a machete. Why the fuck do these crocs keep dying from machetes? They're like fucking toothpicks. Anyway, there's a tender moment with a kiss and all, and then a croc shows up and rips poacher's head off. Damn you for shattering this tender moment! So then sheriff says his one liner ("Say goodnight, Gracie") which just makes no fucking sense given the circumstances, and fires a grenade at point blank range.
Then comes the funniest moment in the entire movie. The croc lunges at sheriff but EPA chick gets him out of the way just in time. Then it fades to black, which is where a commercial would have gone. When we come back, croc is in the nest, EPA chick is off to the side, and sheriff is standing holding the detonator. It's like that scene in Planet Terror with the missing reel. It just makes no God damn sense. But no matter, the detonator doesn't work. Luckily though his son throws him the grenade launcher, and this time he doesn't miss. And for some reason instead of aiming at the giant croc ten feet in front of him, he aims at the small hunk of explosive meet twenty five feet away. Smart choice there, chief.
But don't worry, because everything works out in the end. Sure a bunch of innocent people are dead, two boats and a plane have been destroyed, countless families lives have been ruined in the knowledge their children died in agony at the jaws of giant crocs, but at least the sheriff's son's gonna get laid. Sheriff's son and girl exchange some banter, and then the dog shows up. Yay, the dog wasn't eaten. So then the two embrace, and everything is well in the world. Well, except for the eggs. The sheriff and EPA chick head out to take the eggs to the lab. Which is over two hours away. So instead of staying in town, cleaning up, starting reports on the casualties, and sending your deputy with the eggs, you're in such a hurry that you leave town in a mess, with a cooler bag full of ready to hatch killer giant croc eggs, BUT you aren't in so much of a hurry that you can't stop for dinner along the way. And this is the town's sheriff.
They never did find the sick bear.
Next time on... Ranty Reviews...
Twilight. Nothing more needs be said.
Need to get your ranty fix? Read the other Ranty Reviews!