WARNING: IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN CLERKS., PLEASE GO DO SO NOW.
ALSO: IF YOU HAVE SEEN CLERKS., AND LOVE IT, THIS MAY SCAR AND/OR CURSE YOU FOREVER.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Ok, so here we are. My third review. I figured since I've done a regular game (RDR) and a downloadable game (Castlevania HD), it's time to rock some movie face!
But I didn't want to review a whole film, as that requires effort and time, and I'm kinda short on those. My pockets are mostly filled with lint and delicious crab legs. Time and effort? Not so much...
A tasty, on-the-go snack. Lunchables can suck it.
So, I've brought you here, back to the Quick Stop. You've probably been here a hundred times, buying a pack of smokes, or arguing with Randall about the construction ethics of the Death Star. You've more than likely retrieved lost roof-hockey pucks alongside Snowball, and even spotted Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's future ghosts prowling out back by the dumpsters.
These men are not homosexuals.
But did you ever stay after closing? No?
Probably a good thing. Bad things happen after closing. Horrible things. Things that curse you and cannot ever be unseen.
So, if you've got the cajones, or you share my lemming-like self-destructive impulses, click play below, and never be the same.
That's right. Dante is fucking dead. And here's my review of this alternate ending;
It is the devil, and has now stolen your soul as well.
And I guess, much like that time the officer found me hiding in the bushes outside a Blockbuster, naked except for a peanut butter g-string, with a bucket of fish, ... I should explain.
Officer 1:"What the f-.... are these crab legs in your pocket, sir?"
I first stumbled upon (before that was a thing) this alternate ending during the Paleolithic Internet Era (circa. 1998). I was a fan* of the movie and was at a friend's house when he called me over to his computer. After the harpy-like, sacrificed baby screeches that came from his modem finished, he was cruising the information superhighway at a totally rad 56k. He pulled up this video, showed it to me... and I was cursed.
Not only did this clip drop my jaw and make me question the universe itself...
...but it literally cursed me. Following the viewing, I...
1. Was broken up with, by my girlfriend at the time, by way of her sleeping with a friend of mine at a party... that I was at.
2. Sobbed like a man as my car's motor blew the next day on the way to a stop on the Summer Sanitarium tour. I only made it in time to catch Metallica telling me that they loved me and that they'd see me next year.
3. Had not one, not 2, but 3 of my pets die, in the week after I watched it. Oh, and my G-ma, too, I think.
"Remember, child... crab legs... go in the pocketses.", my gramma would often say... to strangers... in their houses.
The clip itself, despite trying to kill my soul, was cut from the movie for a reason. Not only does it ruin any chances for Dante being in Clerks. II, but it could have totally changed the way the movie was perceived. It would have went from a light-hearted, realistic romp about a day in the life of two friends who struggle with becoming adults, into a sad, cautionary tale about doing what you can before you can't make the decisions anymore because life has a nasty habit of GAME OVERing your ass in an instant, seemingly at random.
I'm so glad Smith decided to cut this, and I'm pleased he went the fun and light way he did, or I don't think we would have gotten any other great movies from him, like Dogma or Chasing Amy or Mallrats. Or we might have, just with people dying in it, I guess. /shrugs
Also, you didn't notice, but Paleolithic Internet Era is abbreviated as P.I.E.
Anyways, that's my review of the Alternate Ending to Clerks. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to wrangle my way to the store and pick up a pack of smokes and some more crab legs.
*by fan, I mean, of course, I have rubbed my ten year anniversary collectors edition of the movie against my naked crotch. More than once. Pretty much daily, in fact.