Twilight (Movie Review)

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Note: I watched Twilight so you don't have to!

Twilight

Agony. This one word effectively sums up Twilight without exaggeration. More of an endurance test than an actual film, Twilight fails to impress on any level.

I've never read Stephanie Meyer's novels about the love between a human girl and a vampire boy, largely because my imagining of a vampire involves the creature bursting into flames in sunlight and not sparkling as if a barrel of glitter had just been dumped on them. Vampires are supposed to be soulless nocturnal beasts that prey on the harmless and stupid humans of the world, not vegetarian pussies who play baseball in the rain or hop around the treetops. I thought that was the allure of vampires for sexually frustrated females in the first place? That they are tortured and misunderstood shells that would just as easily rip out your jugular as they would write you angsty poetry in eyeliner and brood over you for eternity. You remove that, and they become miserable sad sacks with the compelling force of a fridge-magnet. Thus the chief failing of Meyer's vampires is that they are not badass and ethereal, just wimpy and pathetic.

Seventeen year old Isabella Swan moved from Arizona to the shady and sleepy little town of Forks Washington, possibly because of her inability to tan well. Here, she meets the Cullens, a clan of covert vampires of similar complexion who remain isolated from the community. Not for any particularly sinister reason though, it's just the way they are. About an hour and a half of atrocious dialogue later, Isabella becomes the target of a rogue pair of vampires named James and Victoria who become terribly bored with un-life and decide to try and murder Isabella because... I don't know. Maybe they like a challenge? The narrative, much like everything else about the film, isn't handled very well.

image
Shouldn't you be on fire right now?

The dialogue is horrendous. There are times where the lines and their delivery warrant an audible screech of disgust because they're so awful:

Edward Cullen: "Hello. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella?"
Bella Swan: "Um... Yes."
Edward Cullen: (While sliding a microscope to Bella) "Ladies first."
Bella Swan: "You were gone."
Edward Cullen: "Um... Yeah. I was out of town for a couple of days. Personal reasons"
Bella Swan: (Pointing out the first stage of mitosis) "Um. Prophase."
Edward Cullen: (Reaching for the microscope) "Do you mind if I... Uh... Look? (Checking the microscope) Prophase..."
Bella Swan: "Like I said."

This is the first exchange in the history of Bella and Edward, speaking together as if they were a long standing couple, yet utterly contrived and devoid of any appreciable conviction. Every character - be they vampire, human, or confused parent - speaks like this. Every character has the same confused attitude and disposition, lacing any vulgarity or passion. Having to listen to this for two hours is torture.

Additionally, the pacing is clumsy and erratic. There are sections of awful banter that appear to drag on endlessly. Significant action does not occur until the eighty minute mark, which renders the first chunk of the film boring, and the last bits rushed and unsatisfying. The special effects of the film, notably the pieces where a vampire is running and jumping in an attempt to seem menacing or cool, aren't even worthy of an episode of Heroes. The whole film lacks polish, as if no one in post production paid attention to how the film looks or flows.

The built in audience of not just adolescent girls, but women in general, ensures the demand for additional adaptations of the other books, but are these people blind to the level contempt the creators of Twilight impressed on them? The film is not just poor as a matter of opinion, but poor as a matter of overall quality. Granted, a lot of this has to do with the very restricting $30,000,000 budget. Considering the financial aspect, Twilight seems more like a cash grab than an actual film; an attempt to milk an audience with no concept of quality or sense of taste. To that effect (and that effect only) does Twilight stand as a success, and the film proves this by grossing enough to pay for itself four times over in three short weeks. The only people who stand a chance of liking this movie are the people who are already a fan of the series, and it's a very slim chance at that.

Wait, wait, wait, wait... a vampire + sun= big pile of ash on the ground. Vampires are creatures of the night. My friend saw this movie and said alot of parts were unintentionally hilarious.

quite right. I've had girls in my class who were getting flustered because they couldn't see it on opening day. having no idea what Twilight was I looked it up and the first thing i said was, "Shouldn't the vampires be killing people, or at the least turning them into more vampires?"

It seemed to be a horrible premise and I was saving it for a rainy day when you want to watch a horrible movie that makes you appreciate good cinema even more.

Never cared about Twilight... doubt that I ever will

And this movie review does'nt change a thing about that, still, good to read a good and wrathfull rant from time to time

For a movie aimed a women, does this even pass the Bechdel test?

I haven't read the books but it always seemed like lesson of the virtues of ensuring an abusive relationship?

sv93:
My friend saw this movie and said alot of parts were unintentionally hilarious.

I enjoy bad dialogue in groups of three or more. When I'm watching it alone, I'm deadly allergic to it.

I probably would've liked the movie if I had a girlfriend to massage my crotch as I scarf down popcorn and laugh furiously.

black lincon:
It seemed to be a horrible premise and I was saving it for a rainy day when you want to watch a horrible movie that makes you appreciate
good cinema even more.

It's as good a premise as any for a movie, but it's just so terribly executed. I was at least expecting something passable, but Twilight is an embarrassment.

SargentToughie:
... still, good to read a good and wrathfull rant from time to time

I like to think that's my specialty.

Pseudonym2:
For a movie aimed a women, does this even pass the Bechdel test?

Nope. A few lady vampires, but no "lezzing out" to speak of whatsoever.

Maet:

sv93:
My friend saw this movie and said alot of parts were unintentionally hilarious.

I enjoy bad dialogue in groups of three or more. When I'm watching it alone, I'm deadly allergic to it.I probably would've liked the movie if I had a girlfriend to massage my crotch as I scarf down popcorn and laugh furiously.

Just try not to choke on the popcorn, okay? I saw this video on YouTube a while ago and it was a cam video of Twilight and there was one part where everyone in the theatre laughed out loud. Some of the parts were really awkward, like spider man 3 awkward.

And yet I know several people who have seen it more then three times. I always give them this look as if I'm trying to comprehend something so confusing not even an omnipotent deity could decipher it, because I am.

CoverYourHead:
And yet I know several people who have seen it more then three times. I always give them this look as if I'm trying to comprehend something so confusing not even an omnipotent deity could decipher it, because I am.

Yeah, this guy at my work was talking about how his wife has seen it like 5 times and he wanted to gouge his eyes out after being forced to see it the first time.

I knew this would be terrible. It was written by a mormon housewife who has no fucking clue what a vampire even is.

Maet:

Edward Cullen: "Hello. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella?"
Bella Swan: "Um... Yes."
Edward Cullen: (While sliding a microscope to Bella) "Ladies first."
Bella Swan: "You were gone."
Edward Cullen: "Um... Yeah. I was out of town for a couple of days. Personal reasons"
Bella Swan: (Pointing out the first stage of mitosis) "Um. Prophase."
Edward Cullen: (Reaching for the microscope) "Do you mind if I... Uh... Look? (Checking the microscope) Prophase..."
Bella Swan: "Like I said."

The thing is that is lifted right from the book. It doesn't make it any better when they were faithful (somewhat) to a really bad book that they could have easily improved on.

BURN HIM!! BURN HIM!!

myes :D I can say that Twilight is the indisputable WORST FILM I'VE EVER SEEN.

I counted it off, their was approximately 20 minutes of raw starring :D

all the actors where stuck on one emotion

the special effects.....I've seen better in a power rangers movie

the writing was awful. AWFUL. I thought that their would be some decent diologe because it was based off a book...I was wrong.

Their was no room for subtly at all "GOOD VS BAD! LIVE WITH IT!!" and you could tell the good from the bad because...
The good vampires wore clothes from The Gap, and Banana Republic
The bad guys wore Abricromby and fitch...

also, the female lead was a completly unlikable character. I was amazed that despite her instantaneous friendships at school, a new truck, a GOD DAMN VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND, she still managed to be pointy though out the entire affair. Everyone loves the damn girl and all she does is frown...wtf?

as I watched, I got the idea that it was'nt a film, as much as perhaps extremely soft-core porno for tweenage girls, which is, possibly why it sold so well. The director went out of her way to get the shirts off every boy in that movie, cover them in make up, and give em a close up.

in conclusion, this movie physically hurt me, and made me question all that is pure and good in this world:D

the end

blank0000:
myes :D I can say that Twilight is the indisputable WORST FILM I'VE EVER SEEN.

I counted it off, their was approximately 20 minutes of raw starring :D

all the actors where stuck on one emotion

the special effects.....I've seen better in a power rangers movie

the writing was awful. AWFUL. I thought that their would be some decent diologe because it was based off a book...I was wrong.

Their was no room for subtly at all "GOOD VS BAD! LIVE WITH IT!!" and you could tell the good from the bad because...
The good vampires wore clothes from The Gap, and Banana Republic
The bad guys wore Abricromby and fitch...

also, the female lead was a completly unlikable character. I was amazed that despite her instantaneous friendships at school, a new truck, a GOD DAMN VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND, she still managed to be pointy though out the entire affair. Everyone loves the damn girl and all she does is frown...wtf?

as I watched, I got the idea that it was'nt a film, as much as perhaps extremely soft-core porno for tweenage girls, which is, possibly why it sold so well. The director went out of her way to get the shirts off every boy in that movie, cover them in make up, and give em a close up.

in conclusion, this movie physically hurt me, and made me question all that is pure and good in this world:D

the end

Whoa, whoa, whoa... you can't compare Twilight with Power Rangers.
Dem are fightin' words.

I mean Twilight stands on it's own pedestal of crap, that I'm unable to comprehend.

The plot of Twilight, like I have stated many times, is just Vampire Hunter D with less vampire lore and more teen crap.

Every female in my maths class (including my female teacher) hates me for bagging out Twilight constantly and pointing out all the problems with it. The thing that really tipped it for them though was when I quoted around a line from the South Park episode involving Twilight.
Me: "Hey everyone! Did you know that Edward Cullen's real name is Count Fagula?"
Females in class: *Screams and yells of hatred erupt*.

I have also noticed that only the rather odd (or metro) males will find this move entertaining as there only seems to be two guys that like Twilight at my school and they are quite odd.

I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?

Dommyboy:
I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?

Only if one of the crazy females is into you and fairly attractive. The only real conceivable purpose of Twilight is a potent female aphrodisiac.

Maet:

Dommyboy:
I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?

Only if one of the crazy females is into you and fairly attractive. The only real conceivable purpose of Twilight is a potent female aphrodisiac.

That's pretty much spot on why I might attend. I decided I won't go. Based on your review the movie seems like "OMGAWD THIS GUY IS SO HOT AND ITS ROMANTIC" average teen crap you get now-a-days. Maybe if Twilight had made more sense then maybe males would actually like it.

Dommyboy:
The plot of Twilight, like I have stated many times, is just Vampire Hunter D with less vampire lore and more teen crap.

Every female in my maths class (including my female teacher) hates me for bagging out Twilight constantly and pointing out all the problems with it. The thing that really tipped it for them though was when I quoted around a line from the South Park episode involving Twilight.
Me: "Hey everyone! Did you know that Edward Cullen's real name is Count Fagula?"
Females in class: *Screams and yells of hatred erupt*.

I have also noticed that only the rather odd (or metro) males will find this move entertaining as there only seems to be two guys that like Twilight at my school and they are quite odd.

I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?

Afterwards, Make them see A Scanner Darkly or Hearts and Minds as punishment.

Pseudonym2:

Dommyboy:
The plot of Twilight, like I have stated many times, is just Vampire Hunter D with less vampire lore and more teen crap.

Every female in my maths class (including my female teacher) hates me for bagging out Twilight constantly and pointing out all the problems with it. The thing that really tipped it for them though was when I quoted around a line from the South Park episode involving Twilight.
Me: "Hey everyone! Did you know that Edward Cullen's real name is Count Fagula?"
Females in class: *Screams and yells of hatred erupt*.

I have also noticed that only the rather odd (or metro) males will find this move entertaining as there only seems to be two guys that like Twilight at my school and they are quite odd.

I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?

Afterwards, Make them see A Scanner Darkly or Hearts and Minds as punishment.

A Scanner Darkly and Hearts and Minds are a godsend compared to Twilight. Just watched a little bit of the Twilight. Yup, its defiantly not for me.

Dommyboy:

Pseudonym2:

Dommyboy:

I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?

Afterwards, Make them see A Scanner Darkly or Hearts and Minds as punishment.

A Scanner Darkly and Hearts and Minds are a godsend compared to Twilight. Just watched a little bit of the Twilight. Yup, its defiantly not for me.

They're both better movies in my opinion but they're the polar opposite of Twilight. Instead of a brainless, shallow, mainstream, apolitical wish fulfillment with shallow characters, they will watch a deep, artsy, political, depressing story with deep characters. It will blow their mind.

Dommyboy:

Me: "Hey everyone! Did you know that Edward Cullen's real name is Count Fagula?"
Females in class: *Screams and yells of hatred erupt*.

Sir, you are braver than most...and i salute you for it.

I hope you had an escape plan in case they brought out the torches and pitchforks :P

A+ Review. For these reasons, and others, I continue to boycott the film. Nothing short of buckets of money (to me) will get me to see the film.

I never wanted to see the movie in the first place but my friend dragged me to it, I think because she secretly hates me, and I can honestly say it was one of the worst films I had ever seen... even my sister who wanted to see the movie thougth it sucked. at first we were very confused, we didn't even know what to think of it, so my sister suggested we see it again, and I was like "hell no I'm not wasting my money on that crap twice!"

I enjoyed the book, but I wouldn't recommend it, especially to guys...

This thread is awesome. I'm a girl and I think the Twilight series fails.
I havent seen the movie but dont ever intend to because the books were so uneventful, predictable and sappy.
In the first book nothing happens until the very end and whoops, she faints through the whole thing and we miss it all anyways. Then after the first book the entire series seemed to be Bella whinging and trying to have sex with Edward.
As for the movie the casting sucks... Edward is not at all attractive and in the Trailer Bella doesn't seem to be able to speak unless it's in a monotomous emotionless tone.
I am so damn sick of squealing fangirls -_-

Looking forward to the Southpark episode coming out :D

Good review, and only about 3 people on this site would disagree with you. Read the books and you really understand just how bad the writing is. I really hope the movie is better. I'd rather lose a liver (think about it to add significance to what I say) than watch it.

I'm 17 and male and currently reading the book and to be honest i think its brillant. I just bought tickets and until ive seen it (it's not out over her in england till the 19th) i will stand by the fact that the novel is amazing

My one point is the fact that Edward (the vampire) doesnt look anythinglike how he is described in the book, which is a relief because i now know that i will be fine taking my girlfriend to see it, cuz hes ugly :D

psico666:
I'm 17 and male and currently reading the book and to be honest i think its brillant. I just bought tickets and until ive seen it (it's not out over her in england till the 19th) i will stand by the fact that the novel is amazing

My one point is the fact that Edward (the vampire) doesnt look anythinglike how he is described in the book, which is a relief because i now know that i will be fine taking my girlfriend to see it, cuz hes ugly :D

Are you joking? I managed to get through 100 torturous pages and got fucking sick of her constantly whining about the rain, and the stupid flowery language that Ms Meyer insists on using. It's shit of the worst kind, and I thought the Da Vinci Code was bad. Furthermore, my girlfriend is forcing me to take her, and pay £12 to do so, but I've made her agree to watch 30 Days Of Night and Blade II, for her to see what real vampires are.

That was an excellent read, Maet. Here's proof:

I showed this review to my sister (an avid Twilight fangirl), and she laughed her head off in agreement. I mean, you can't do that every day.

However, as a review, I think that it was somewhat lacking. I believe you should structure it bit better, give a few less excerpts (nonetheless - I enjoyed them) and focus on the good points (at least try to find one - as hard as it is) to make it a bit more professional. I sort of half-agreed, half-disagreed with your view of Australia, you see.

Oh, and this quote:

Maet:
Edward Cullen: "Hello. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella?"
Bella Swan: "Um... Yes."
Edward Cullen: (While sliding a microscope to Bella) "Ladies first."
Bella Swan: "You were gone."
Edward Cullen: "Um... Yeah. I was out of town for a couple of days. Personal reasons"
Bella Swan: (Pointing out the first stage of mitosis) "Um. Prophase."
Edward Cullen: (Reaching for the microscope) "Do you mind if I... Uh... Look? (Checking the microscope) Prophase..."
Bella Swan: "Like I said."

You would be disgusted to know that this was one of the key events of the book. Eugh.

Anyway, thanks for the read, I hope to see some more in the future.

Lord Krunk:
However, as a review, I think that it was somewhat lacking. I believe you should structure it bit better, give a few less excerpts (nonetheless - I enjoyed them) and focus on the good points (at least try to find one - as hard as it is) to make it a bit more professional. I sort of half-agreed, half-disagreed with your view of Australia, you see.

I also felt this review was one of my weaker pieces and a little unbalanced. To cut Twilight some slack, I overlooked a few other major problems with the film. You see, the vampires also have powers beyond super-speed and super-strength. For instance, Edward has the ability to read minds for some reason, and Alice (a minor vampire character) can allegedly see the future. I felt that I was complimenting the film by ignoring this terrible aspect of it.

Though I do feel that this review is definitely not as streamlined as it could have been.

I plan to watch and review either The Day the Earth Stood Still, Doubt, or Gran Torino next.

Everyone here is wrong, Twilight is not the worst movie adaptation of a book...
...Eragon is.

Maet:

Lord Krunk:
However, as a review, I think that it was somewhat lacking. I believe you should structure it bit better, give a few less excerpts (nonetheless - I enjoyed them) and focus on the good points (at least try to find one - as hard as it is) to make it a bit more professional. I sort of half-agreed, half-disagreed with your view of Australia, you see.

I also felt my review was one of my weaker pieces and a little unbalanced. To cut Twilight some slack, I overlooked a few other major problems with the film. You see, the vampires also have powers beyond super-speed and super-strength. For instance, Edward has the ability to read minds for some reason, and Alice (a minor vampire character) can allegedly see the future. I felt my I was complimenting the film by ignoring this terrible aspect of it.

I do feel that this review is definitely not as streamlined as it could have been.

Nonetheless, I loved it.

Oh, and I don't know if the movie explains this, but the book states that there are many different breeds of Vampire, with different personalities, powers and whatnot. It explains that Edward is an Italian 'nice' vampire and that the rest of the Cullens are from different breeds as well.

Do you know why I know this? Because I'm writing a review of the book. It's mostly negative, but there were some bits that I enjoyed, mostly.

Lord Krunk:
Nonetheless, I loved it.

Oh, and I don't know if the movie explains this, but the book states that there are many different breeds of Vampire, with different personalities, powers and whatnot. It explains that Edward is an Italian 'nice' vampire and that the rest of the Cullens are from different breeds as well.

Do you know why I know this? Because I'm writing a review of the book. It's mostly negative, but there were some bits that I enjoyed, mostly.

The movie makes a passing reference to this, but doesn't dwell on it for too long. Essentially, all the movie says is that the Cullens are 'nice vampires' because of their animal blood and vegetarian diet. There are a few other bits, but that's the main idea.

I'm tempted to go through my sister's copy of the book to see if that lines I quoted from the movie are really quoted verbatim from the book.

Just wondering here but how flowerly is the writing in this story? I've heard a ton of insults about it but have never seen any examples of it.

Lord Krunk:
Oh, and this quote:

Maet:
Edward Cullen: "Hello. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella?"
Bella Swan: "Um... Yes."
Edward Cullen: (While sliding a microscope to Bella) "Ladies first."
Bella Swan: "You were gone."
Edward Cullen: "Um... Yeah. I was out of town for a couple of days. Personal reasons"
Bella Swan: (Pointing out the first stage of mitosis) "Um. Prophase."
Edward Cullen: (Reaching for the microscope) "Do you mind if I... Uh... Look? (Checking the microscope) Prophase..."
Bella Swan: "Like I said."

You would be disgusted to know that this was one of the key events of the book. Eugh.

You've got to be joking, if a single little minute of this were a key point, than that proves the whole story is pointless.

fluffylandmine:

Lord Krunk:
Oh, and this quote:

Maet:
Edward Cullen: "Hello. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella?"
Bella Swan: "Um... Yes."
Edward Cullen: (While sliding a microscope to Bella) "Ladies first."
Bella Swan: "You were gone."
Edward Cullen: "Um... Yeah. I was out of town for a couple of days. Personal reasons"
Bella Swan: (Pointing out the first stage of mitosis) "Um. Prophase."
Edward Cullen: (Reaching for the microscope) "Do you mind if I... Uh... Look? (Checking the microscope) Prophase..."
Bella Swan: "Like I said."

You would be disgusted to know that this was one of the key events of the book. Eugh.

You've got to be joking, if a single little minute of this were a key point, than that proves the whole story is pointless.

In particular, it's where they meet.

fluffylandmine:

Lord Krunk:
Oh, and this quote:

Maet:
Edward Cullen: "Hello. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella?"
Bella Swan: "Um... Yes."
Edward Cullen: (While sliding a microscope to Bella) "Ladies first."
Bella Swan: "You were gone."
Edward Cullen: "Um... Yeah. I was out of town for a couple of days. Personal reasons"
Bella Swan: (Pointing out the first stage of mitosis) "Um. Prophase."
Edward Cullen: (Reaching for the microscope) "Do you mind if I... Uh... Look? (Checking the microscope) Prophase..."
Bella Swan: "Like I said."

You would be disgusted to know that this was one of the key events of the book. Eugh.

You've got to be joking, if a single little minute of this were a key point, than that proves the whole story is pointless.

From what I've read, it is quite an important scene.

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