So, you may have seen my little rant after seeing Equestria Girls last night, and apparently people didn't like that someone would get mad at something stupid on the Internet.
Shocking, I know.
But in all seriousness, I feel like I should give this an actual review, so here we go:
"Also, I read that review you posted. I'm not usually one to critique other people's reviews, but yours frankly came off more like a long-winded rant than an examination of the faults and merits of the movie."
My Little Pony: Equestria Girls is a
huge sack of fucking shit misguided venture by Hasbro Studios. There's some speculation to whether the bigwigs came knocking on DHX's door demanding a movie be made out of their concept to compete with Mattel's Bratz, or writer/showrunner Meghan McCarthy made the idea happen, and Hasbro agreed because of said competition. Either way, it got made, and this is it.
The movie starts by the Mane 6 trotting into the Crystal Empire as Meghan McCarthy is trying to make "nervicited" into the new "20% Cooler". Twilight is having some trouble adjusting to both her wings and her coronation from the S3 finale. To this development, I give my stamp of approval that no one gives a shit about. There's some gags here and there, and after the characters go to bed, there's a short joke with Twilight trying to sleep with her wings sticking out before we get a nice little remix of the theme.
Suddenly, things happen. A mysterious pony sneaks into the Crystal Castle and steals Twilight's crown, running away with it into a magical mirror that has never been mentioned or seen before. Celestia, realizing that maybe she should've pointed it out before things happened, explains that the thief, Sunset Shimmer, was a previous student of hers that had become jealous and power hungy. Twilight must venture into the mirror's dimension to retrieve the crown or else risk losing part of Equestria's greatest defense, the Elements of Harmony, and having the powers of the crown fall into the wrong hands. I should mention that these powers have never been specified before.
The rest of the mane 6 prepare to join her, but they are turned away because Celestia says it will cause an imbalance in the other realm, or something. Point is, Twilight goes through, and Spike rebelliously goes after her so that she'll have somebody
to verbalize exposition to as well as be a 10-second plot device before the climax.
So they are transported to Middle Earth, where they are assigned to take a magical ring-just kidding, that's way too interesting. They get sent to a dimension made up almost entirely of a single high school that inexplicably has human versions of everyone in Equestria.
A good 15 minutes are spent on some admittedly clever gags with Twilight not realizing how humans act and such; the usual setpieces for a "body switch" comedy. Then the movie realizes that things need to happen again, so Twilight sees someone who's obviously Fluttershy being verbally bullied by someone who's obviously Sunset Shimmer (it takes our starlet 'till the end of the scene to realize this). Twilight stands up for Flutterhuman, and Sunset establishes her entire character for the duration of the film.
This quote from the late, great Rogert Ebert tells the story in oddly specific detail:
"I take it as a rule of nature that all American high schools are ruled by a pack of snobs, led by a supremely confident young woman who is blonde, superficial, catty, and ripe for public humiliation. This character is followed by two friends who worship her, and are a little bit shorter"
It turns out that Flutterhuman's abuse was caused by her acquiring the crown accidentally as it came through the portal without Sunset for reasons. Sunset demanded it back, presumably got it back, but for some reason forfeited it to the school instead of just keeping it and using it for evil right then and there. Or maybe Flutterhuman gave it to the school and Sunset was mad about that, which still wouldn't explain why she wouldn't take it by force, but okay.
Twilight and Flutterhuman re-enact their meeting scene from "Friendship is Magic, Part 1" for no reason and Twilight's inexplicably thick mind decides to go to Principal Celestia's (urgh) office to make sense of all this and get intel on how to get the crown in a way that will fill up the remaining 60 minutes left.
Celestia informs her of the Fall Formal, which totally isn't just the Grand Galloping Gala in high school form. The princess of the Fall Formal receives the crown that Sunset had stolen from her. Instead of asking Celestia to sneak a peek at the crown, snatching it, and running off with it back into the pony world with zero consequences, Twilight decides to waste her and the audience's time convincing the entire school to vote for her instead of its 3-time victor, Sunset Shimmer. To sign up, she has to meet with the leader of the school's PARTY PLANNER COMMITTEE OOO I WONDER WHO THAT IS. Transition to next scene.
Twilight meets someone who's obviously Pinkie Pie, and after she FINALLY understands the concept of the alternate versions of her friends existing, it is revealed that Human Pie doesn't trust Human Dash or Flutterhuman, and Applehuman comes in to establish her distrust of the others as well. This is actually a point in the story where I was intrigued by where it would go. My mistake. Anyway, Sunset Shimmer storms in, says "I'm an alpha bitch I'm an alpha bitch I'm an alpha bitch wah wah wah" end scene.
Twilight meets the Great and Humanized Trixie without advancing the plot, then meets the Humanized Crusaders to call back to the "Show Stoppers" episode without advancing the plot, and finally decides to do research in the library so that maybe she can get around to advancing the plot.
As she is trying to do research, Snips and Snails (who are Sunset's two minions for reasons) record her doing THINGS THAT WOULD BE EMBARASSING IN A HIGH SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT.
They scurry off as Twilight finds a yearbook showing the Main 5 as the best of friends a few years ago, and takes shelter for the night in the school's library instead of asking her new friends if maybe she could stay over or something.
She walks into the hallways the next day, and is saved from the embarrassment brought on by the video by Rarihuman, Flutterhuman, Human Pie, and Applehuman. Twilight asks them about why they stopped being friends, to which they tell the stories of single situations that were obviously manipulated by Not-Regina-George. Twilight rekindles everyone's friendship with each other by pointing out this obvious ruse to them, and suddenly the conflict is handled in less than 2 minutes. I'm already on the edge of my seat.
Human Dash spends 3 minutes beating Twilight at soccer/football before saying the word "awesome" about 8 times and assimilating into what is now Twilight's background posse.
Suddenly, disaster strikes: having taken pictures of Twilight's sports defeat, not-Summer-from-Napoleon-Dynamite has Snips and Snails destroy the Fall Formal setup and faux-toshop Twilight into the aftermath. But have no fear! The walking, talking piece of attractive male cardboard is here!
That's right, it's Flash Sentry, a boy who Twilight bumped into earlier and now has to fall in love with for no reason for the remainder of the movie. He plays the guitar, presumably has extra cash lying around, and drives a custom sports car. Because that REEKS of positive male representation. If there has ever been a male version of the well endowed, ditzy heroine, this guy is it. He's also Not-Paige-from-Degrassi's ex-boyfriend as well, but this is completely irrelevant and never brought up again. I'll stop talking about him so that I may finish this review with some composure intact.
Anyway, he convinces Vice Principal Luna (URGH) that the pictures were faked by holding up the original photos of her playing soccer. Yes, the fate of Equestria was saved by the equivalent of a Snopes search.
So, the big question is: how will Twilight gain the popularity and attention of her schoolmates? THROUGH SONG, OF COURSE! And not just your old, charming MLP song, either; this time it's a Disney-style, vapid, forgettable pop diddy! In a matter of minutes, the whole school now adores this stranger who they know nothing about with a mysterious past! If that isn't conflict resolution, I don't know what is!
Realizing that she has to get back home by tonight, Twilight comes out and tells the Main 5 the whole story of her coming from Equestria, and they all buy it instantaneously because fuck sustainable character-driven conflict. They spend a few more minutes fixing up the gym and now it's time for the big, dumb ending.
Twilight wins the vote by a landslide, and just as you think you'll get your sweet release from this film's clutches, Spike fulfills his purpose as a quick plot device by being taken by Snips and Snails to lure Twilight and co. outside in front of the portal. Suddenly, more things happen. A lot of things.
not-Madison-Sinclair appears, whipping out a SLEDGEHAMMER. Now, she immediately dismisses any sort of violent act being taken with it, but it's clear that for a few terrifying seconds, the implied danger was that Spike's head would be caved in.
FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY, AMIRITE?
not-Vicki-Appleby delivers an ultimatum to Twilight: give me the crown, or the portal gets the hammer, and you're stuck here forever.
Ignoring the possibility that the hammer would probably just fly through the portal like the crown did, Twilight's response is utterly baffling: she decides to stay, because Equestria can survive without her or the crown, but this world can't survive with not-Kate-from-Lizzie-McGuire being the school's Alpha Bitch ruler. If there's anyone out there who can explain why that is, and if so, why this whole story isn't made pointless because of it, please respond ASAP.
Not-Marianne-Bryant-from-Easy-A is infuriated, and an intense game of hot potato with the crown is set to decide the fate of both worlds. Eventually, Not-Penny-Lent-from-Sky-High wins out and puts on the crown she realistically could've put on before Twilight even showed up.
For no reason at all, the crown turns her into a demon creature , and it is revealed that her true plan is not to take over this silly high school universe, but to rule over EQUESTRIA.
As if to say "why would anyone care about this stupid high school universe?"
Twilight and her gang of now-background-characters are saved from the initial attack by the power of FRIENDSHIP. YES, LIKE THE LAST HUNDRED TIMES. ONLY NOW WITHOUT ANY PRECEDENT.
The power of friendship inexplicably turns Twilight and the background characters into human-pony hybrids in a cheesy anime sequence, and after Not-Trixie-Tang-from-Fairly-Oddparents is reverted to a human, she suddenly understands the very concept of friendship and is ready to sign up.
Is it now MLP law to have your villains repent at the end or something? I mean, Discord and Trixie had least had reasons for their turnarounds, Not-Bonnie-Rockwaller just sort of becomes a good person with no setup and context. She's defeated, so now the script declares she's good because...because...oaiwjdsnfmakljsdfnmaopsk;dnfm
Anyway, after 5 minutes of fandom wank at the Formal, Twilight says goodbye and just sort of leaves. No tears. No hint that she'll visit once again in the future. Just goodbye. Whatever.
The mane 6 are waiting on the other side to congratulate her, and Applejack and Rarity hint that Twilight has a crush on the pony version of Flash Sentry, who's a member of Celestia's guard. AND SHE BLUSHES. ROLL FUCKING CREDITS.
I could go on about the writing, the characterization, the weak storytelling, the sub-par animation, but really, I think this comic tells the whole story of My Little Pony: Equestria Girls.