Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

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Granted. Welcome to the Kingdom of Caring, home of Care Bears.

I wish I had more books.

You have every book, but they are all in a long-forgotten language.

I wish I had more things to do.

Granted, you don't have enough time to do any of them!

I wish I had a clue.

I wish for a lawyer to write out these wishes for me.

You get one, meet my good friend

I wish I was more tolerant.

Granted, your tolerance morphs into extreme apathy for everything.

I wish for Cookie Dough ice cream that isn't terrible for your body.

Granted, but you only get to eat it once.

I wish I had a jetpack.

You get an awesome jet-pack, but every time you use it, you hit an invisible wall a meter above your head.

I wish for a comfier bed.

Your bed is very comfortable, milud, but I am sorry to report that it is filled with wasps.

I wish for the chance to sleep with Brian Blessed.

Granted, you literally only sleep with him, and you don't go to sleep or wake up with him.

I wish I had a better saw to cut wood with. Hand saws take forever.

Granted you now can only use balsa wood.

I wish to remember 2012 fondly.

Granted, you fondly remember everything bad that happened and everyone thinks you're a psycho.

I wish to have a good New Year's.

Granted you wake up New Years Day in the drunk tank at the local PD.

I wish my flatscreen was bigger.

Granted it is now equally wide and deep. You have an old box television essentially.

I wish for a box of fireworks.

Granted, the moment you touch them, they go off in your face.

I wish for less alcohol.

Granted, all of your alcohol has now been given to children.

I wish my dog wasn't sick. :[

I wish I wasn't this horribly evil.

Granted, people treat you like a doormat cause you're so nice.

I wish I was less bitter about things.

Granted! Now you're super nice and optimistic, to the point that no one will talk to you!

I wish dogs never died. Sigh.

I wish I was horribly evil again so I am not a doormat.

Granted, your a evil doormat that eats little old ladies shoes.

I wish I was Batman.

I wish people would read the wishes and note the things I specifically stated I wouldn't be coughdoormatcough.

Granted, You're a matdoor. How does that work? I have no clue.

I wish I was more clever.

Granted, you are .001% more clever than before.

I wish I could not go and do the to be the after the before next when the at.

I wish the person who granted this wish would be more clever.

Granted. He used his cleverness to explode your head before you could exploded his.

I wish for... canadian orange juice.

Granted. You find out you're allergic to it... the hard way.

I wish for more derailing.

Granted we are now making this a MLP thread.

I wish for more time in a day.

Granted, you just got more work hours!

I wish for some more pizza!

Granted... IT'S ALL HAWAIIAN! (I hate pineapple so...)

I wish that the world can be like the Fallout world.

Granted, you are a ghoul who is standing in front of my characters way *BAM*

I wish for the world to be more like Pokemon!

Granted animal cruelty is at an all time high and the police/nurse force are all clones.

I wish for a voice like Tom Waits.

Granted. However, due to copyright concerns, you are now embroiled in a multimillion dollar lawsuit with him.

I wish for Canada.

Granted, we nuked it so now you're stuck in Fallout-Canadian edition.

I wish for a new copy of Fallout New Vegas.

I wish I had a high end PC.

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