Assuming you don't know what a quest is: It's basically a cooperative "Choose your own adventure" thingie. With you and others offering suggestions to how the story progresses and the GM (Me) tires to include them all or pick the most interesting one.
I don't have any scripts or nor did I have anything planed, so chances are things might get dumb. Hence "Dumb" quest. It also means there's going to be very little rail-road-ing, if at all.
If you want to add a comment or talk out of character, use OOC(it stands for Out Of Character.)
OOC: I have a boner.
The first scene involves the main character waking up and then looking at a mirror, which triggers the character creation. Sorry, folks, there ain't going to be any breast or nut sliders to this one.
Anyway, let's start:
Hell just broke into this earth as you hear the deafening screams and groans of the poor sinners through the cracks of the surface! Oh wait. No it isn't. It's just your alarm being obnoxiously noisy. You tried randomly smacking your drawer to turn it off, but then you remembered you placed it next to your mirror. "Arrrrrg!" you think to yourself "Why did I put it there, anyway!" You shake your sore hand as you make your way to your mirror- which, by the way, is to your left hand side-; once there you showed the alarm who is the boss of this gym-I mean room- by smacking it with your left hand. congratulations! Both your hands are sore. Once yer done shaking both your hands like a retarded child, you look at the mirror and you see:
Billy Herrington, your Aniki; the man whose body you wish you had, the man whose life you wish you lived. He's staring at you inquisitively, judging. But for what purpose?
"Aniki!" You turn around, to your dismay it was a hallucination. But even then, it still bothers you. "What was he trying to communicate?", you think to yourself as you turn to your mirror and gaze at your reflection.
...the sleek, silken form of a Khajiit.
"I knew that orange latte cocainaccino was a bad idea", you lament under your breath.
Leaning closer to the mirror you open your mouth wide.
"My what big teeth you have there." you mutter to yourself.
"Why thank you." says a gruff, grizzled voice from somewhere behind you.
After discovering that you are furry cat thing, you find a huge, half-lion dude standing right behind you.
"Waaaaaaaaah?!" You exhale from shock.
"There is no time!" The lion-man explains whilst stroking his fabulous beard, "You have to pick a class and then help me in my dire adventure!"
"Are you sure I am not just imagining all of this due to a cocaine filled latte induced hallucination?"
"Yes, I checked your cocaine levels with my tricorder", Lino-O explains, brandishing a whirring handheld device of many blinky green lights. He notices your concerned expression wandering toward the machine. "Don't worry", he assures you, "green lights are good. Now, are you coming or not? We desperately need a bard here."
A bard? Last you checked, you couldn't sing.
Maybe you can replace the songs for bardic spells with purring?
"Um....." You pull on Lion-man's sleeve, "I can't sing." But then another thought crossed your mind "Hey! Didn't you say I get to pick my own class?!" You shout at the Lion Man.
"Well, you were taking too long so I picked the class for you, the lion man replies.
"That's some buuuuuuulshit!" You whine.
"Hush! Anyway.... as a Bard, you are allowed to pick any instrument to cast your bardic spells with." Lion dude explains.
You then tell lion man that you want to cast your spells with your purrs. He tells you that's a stupid ass idea and hands you over a musical triangle.
Do you accept your class as a bard or would you rather complain to Lion man to change your class?
Bards are for flamboyant men that prefer to take it than give it! Choose a real man's trade! Become Giantdad!
But if I can't become Giantdad, I'll bard hard with my magical instrument... A ROCK GUITUAR!
*Receives a stone guitar*
Oh.. Oops. I meant an Electric rock guitar.
*Stone Guitar has unlocked a new ability: Lightning-to-the-Balls!*
The lion man is quite displeased with with your antics "OH..... So you want to be a Giantdad? Well too bad that's a prestige class. And the only way to that class is that you suffer through 5 levels of Little Bitch.... In fact....."
Congratulations! You are now a level 1 Little Bitch.
"What! That is bullshit!" You cry
"At least give me my electric rock guitar." You demand from the Lion-man, "How can I survive without any weapons?"
"Oh, fine." Manly Lion submits.
Congratulations! You have a Lighting Stone Guitar as your main weapon!
With your class set and your weapon equipped, you are ready to accompany Lion-lad with his quest. Are you ready to go or do you have some unfinished business to attend to, like going to the bathroom or shaving, for example.
I... I think I still have some cocaine left... Maybe before we leave we could...
"No... No we aren't doing that."
God Dammit Lion.
Such a journey is sure to be long and full of hardship. You will need something to be able to carry on.
You take the Picture of Aniki with you. His smile always motivated you, and you are certain that, in your darkest moment, looking at it will grand you the courage to keep going!
After taking some of the left over orange cocaine and a picture Billy Herrington, you tell LM (Lion Man) you are ready.
"All right!" LM raises his staff produces a masculine display of roars and majestic gold lights as a large, powerful blast sends you two...... to the outside of the building your flat is at. To add more to the anticlimax, you see LM digging through his pockets for the keys of his Jeep.
"HEY!" You shouted at LM, "I thought you were going to transport me to your land or some shit! Why the hell are we going in a Jeep?"
LM raises his eyebrow at you, with obvious signs of annoyance. "First," he explains himself to you, "Mana potions aren't cheep; second, like Hell I am going to transport you and the others back and forth!"
"Others?" You quizzy reply; LM points to a group of 5 people. You guess that's why his car is a Jeep instead of a more conservative type.
The other weirdos include a a short haired blonde cyborg with a smaller than average cupsize, a shirtless fishman with intimidating abs, an old geezer with a a spiky hair-do and a really long moustache, a Ninja Pimp, and a completely average looking bold guy.
You "OK" with a really weirded-out expression.
Despite being a level 1 Little Bitch, you were the first to think of calling shotgun. Once you did, the others try to beat you to it, with cyborg lady coming a close second and old geezer being barely third.
With LM revving up the engine of his Jeep, you have some time to kill. Maybe try talking to your team-mates or LM himself?
You go up and introduce yourself to the average looking bald guy, because clearly he is going to be the biggest bad-ass of all of these guys.
"Greetings human! I am Mr. Merrig Mogg Meowsers. Do you have any tuna?"
Then something hits you like an ice cream truck.... that man.... is wearing nothing but a loin cloth thong.......... could he be......
Skeleton Man gives you a thumbs up with his
SKELETON THUMB before throwing his
SKELETON SWORD at his apartment wall by using his
CALCIUM STRENGTH, which, by the way, is eight metres high. He then jumps to the hole caused by the
SKELETON SWORD with the might of his
You are awestruck with Skeleton Man's power whilst Cyborg Lady is slightly intimidated. None the less, that doesn't stop her from calling you out. "Hey!" She points her right hand index finger at you, "You only won due to luck and nothing else, got that?!
Suppressing the urge to bite her finger-mostly because it would end up with you breaking your teeth- you nod and tell her: "Yup, I sure am lucky, aren't I?" Unbeknownst to you, it really is due to luck and nothing else What? You thought a level 1 Little Bitch could had won without the invisible hand of the GM controlling the outcome? Ha, think again!
Cybord Lady is obviously noticing that you're phoning it in, but she doesn't want to take things any further. So she walks away with a slight grievance.
Old Dude pats your back with his moustache and says: "There, there, buddy, he continues robbing his 'stache at your back like in one of your Japanese Animes, "she's the competitive type. In fact, she is still salty that I beat her in Battleship!"
"I am 'salty' because you cheated to win, you old bastard!" You hear her screams at the distance.
"All is fair in warfare!" He screams back whilst still robbing his 'stache at your back.
Eventually the robbing starts creeping you off and you tell him to stawp: "Can you please stop..... It feels like one of those tentacle hentais..."
The old man stops, "You mean one of those creepy Chinese sex cartoons?", he does a pseudo thinker pose with his tentacle moustaches.
"Yes, one of those creepy Chinese se-" then a revelation hits you!!!!!1!1111!!!!11!
Skeleton Man has a really nice butt.
Another revelation hits you: IT'S YOUR APARTMENT SKELETON MAN IS AT! With all your disgusting pornography littering all over the place.... especially the cyborg erotica.....
You pray to Aniki that Skeleton Man realises this isn't his flat or something before your perverse sex fantasies become public.
You ask the ninja pimp to quickly and discreetly 'dispose of' your vast and awkward porn collection with ninja efficiency. Additionally, he won't judge, hell, he might hook you up with what you like later.
"You jes' a leetle bitch! I don't take orders from you!" is the blunt and stereotypical reply.
"Please mighty ninja pimp? The fate of.. Uh... Stuff! Lies with you doing this for me! Um, and can you dispose of all the used tissues as well?" you politely ask.
"Aw hell no!"
"Please? I'll let you ride shotgun..."
You can't let them boss you around like you're a little bitch! If you are to become Giantdad you need to transcend your classes' limitations and assert your dominance like Aniki would have! You tell Skeleton Man that he's going through private property, and that not even his Boner powers can stand against the unfathomable cosmic entinties that are the
At this point, you take a brief moment to realize that the people writing this are insane and probably dangerous.
"I'll let you ri-" Just as about you give up the front seat along with your dignity, Aniki's picture drops from your pocket.
"Aniki...." you mutter as Ninja Pimp wraps his arm around you.
"What's this, my leetle friend? Are you going to let me ride shot-" You push him away before he could even finish his sentence. "What da fuk, ya leetle bitch!" He shouts in response.
"I won't disappoint my aniki," you tell him straight at his.... ninja mask, "I will do it by myself!"
"Suit yourself, leetle bitch," he mocks. In response, you don't insult or flip-flap, but simply pick up Billy Herrington's picture and say: "I am not a little bitch," you stare at his eyes, " I am a GIANTDAD!"
Filled with the passion of a thousand suns, you place Aniki's picture at the right-leg side of your pants and...... face plant like a little bitch.
The McPimp facepalms-skyward. "Just as I thought.... nothing but a leetle bitch." However, as you raise your head, you see Aniki... smiling.....
Your heart, it feels odd.... partially because how weird the story is along with the people writing it..... but mostly...
You feel a flame! A burring fury! You feel like giving it your all until you go bald!
You stand up with renewed strength, you leave Ninja Pimpin' with nothing but dust. Your legs muscles are tearing because of the stress you're placing on them and your arm muscles aren't fairing any better. You're on the verge of collapse, yet you keep going until reached your apartment's door.
"SKELETON MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!", you punch the door open as a gusto of furious winds blow everything in the vicinity towards the hole Skeleton Man caused, "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT BEFORE I SU-" you realise Skeleton Man isn't here.
You look up and see a hole. It seems Skeleton Man already realised this isn't his apartment. But more importantly: YOU CAUSED YOUR PORNOGRAPHY TO FLY AWAY! Further more, your left fist is really busted and profoundly bleeding. Just as shit couldn't get more ass, your body collapses.
But look on the bright side! Due to the massive stress you strained on yourself, you managed to reach level 2!
Congratulations! You became a level 2 little bitch!
You are now bald.
"Just as I thought...." Ninja pimp comes out of the shadows, "nothin' but a leetle bitch. Now a bald leetle bitch!"
You had enough and start crying.
Pimp McNinja went "Shieeeeeeeeeeeeeet" and started helping you up.
"There there, leetle friend," he rests you on your chair, "You may be a leetle bitch, but you're a leetle bitch with balls. Ain't that all that matters?"
He pulls a cigar from his pimp coat, "Yo, want dis? This is the real shit, my friend. None of that faggot ass baby fingers they sell in cigarette packs."
Do you accept Ninja Pimps offer?
You take the cigar and put into your other pocket.
"I'll smoke this once we're done kicking ass and taking names." you reply in the coolest voice you can. Which still sounds like a little bitch, only slightly less so. Then promptly walk back to the jeep hoping that the Ninja pimp doesn't realize you've voided yourself.
"Damn man, did he jes' piss 'imself?"
Meanwhile back at the jeep...
"Hey LM! Why haven't you fired up the Jeep yet? We need to move!"
You will accept no substitutes. Either you ride shotgun or shotgun the ride.
You hear the roars of the engine while trying to regroup with LM and Co. You were about to pup a vain if anyone were to take the front seats from you, but it seems everyone respects the rule of "Shotgun". Even Ninja Pimp.
You sit on the front seat like you were some sort of pimpin' Giant daddy, but still.... you are quite far to becoming one, therefore you still seem like a bitch of the little kind.
LM slowly turns his head towrads you and asks: "What happened to your hair?!
How do you answer LM?
"It fell out as I let out a furious wind in my apartment blasting my porn into extradimensional space... Can I have some of your glorious mane so I don't have to feel so self-conscious?"
"Do you know how to drive stick shift?"
*Begins bunny-hopping to destination*
God Dammit Lion.
Thus your epic journey began!
An hour later
"Arg....." Cyborg lady grunts in boredom.
"Some 'Urgent Quest' dis is" Ninja Pimp snarks, while counting his cash money to alleviate his boredom
"You know, roads tend to be long and all that. But you could had at least installed a TV in here.... I have been lusting to watch a war film for while now." Old man laments whilst scratching his hair with his 'stache. Yes, he scratches his head full of hair with his hair. That's how meta he is.
Blonde-borg turns her head to Moustache Man, "Geez, old man, what's with you and war?" She asks.
"I used to be a mercenary during the Vietnam war, Lassy." Mustache-eyooo answers
Fish Man makes a fish face. But, despite that, you know he is bored.
Skeleton Man just looks at the window; he sees a bunch of pornography flying. He then remembers the tuna he was supposed to give you. He awkwardly slides it to you.
Two thoughts occur in your mind: 1)Fuck. Not only are your filthy fantasies public, they now traverse the country! It's like a really perverted version of Around the World in 80 Days!
2) You don't know who these people are, besides Skeleton man.
You wonder what their names could be, though you surmise LM's first name could be Leo.
What should their names be?
At first you surmise:
Cyborg Lady: T-3554 (Oh how Clich?!)
Captain Moustache: Lord Montellio von MoMo XXIII.
Ninja Pimp: O.G. Killstain
FishMan: THE TUNA AVENGER! (You are about to eat your tuna when he glares angrily at you)
Then you think these might be dumb names, so you next surmise: ...
You also suddenly realize that asking for help from cyborg lady to find your cyporg porn stash might be awkward.
... but it also might start a romance!
You decide to take the risk.
Thinking about cyborg's name has somehow lead you to develop feelings for her. And since you're the forever alone type with little social awareness, you ask her to help you find your erotica.
"Om," you awkwardly turn your head towards her, "Can..... you... help me retrieve my cyborg erotica?" you quietly mutter.
"What?" is her response. She didn't quite understand you due to the strangeness of your request and how quiet your were. Ninja Pimp, on the other hand, clearly understood you, therefore he facepalmed in response. "This bitch fo' real?" he thought to himself.
"I said," before you could further embarrass yourself you notice a town getting destroyed by a a floating Egg shaped creature with a shit-ton of eyes, "What the-"
Side-Quest unlocked: The Eldritch Egg.
Do you wish to follow this side-quest or would you rather let this innocent, small town go to ruin?
"Roooooiiight", you declare, affecting your third-worst London accent. "Let's 'ave this fackin' side-quest then, you slags."
Pull out you rock guitar and tune it to: Let's rock!
"OIM GONNA SHOW YA WATT IT MEANS TO BE A REEL ROCK AN' ROLLA!"
Of course you will take on the sidequest. You have played enough Dungeons and
Dominants Dragons to know that sidequests are the best way to level up. Especially since the story seems to come to an conventient pause every time you pursue them, so you have all the time in the world.
You were so over excited to take on the side-quest that you acrobatically flipped out of the window to the Jeep's roof in an attempt to blast the Eldritch beast with your
Electric Stone Guitar; however, the car was moving at the time so you fall off and break your left femur.
The Jeep immediately stops and LM and fish man step out with LM pointing at you shorty after.
Fish-man chants some weird eldritch shit which causes a glowing watery secretion to seep out of him and crawl to you. Huh. It seems Fish man is the cleric of this group. An Eldritch Cleric.
Your broken leg healed. It stills hurts, though.
"Seriously," LM berates you, "Haven't you played a strategy RPG ever in your life? You don't ever rush in guns blazing! No. You should be planing things beforehand, my friend!"
LM then magics a chart in front of which dictates your teams strengths and weaknesses.
Merrig Mogg Meowsers(You)
A level 2 Little Bitch.
All around pathetic
Weak at close range. Okay at medium range (Thanks to the Electric Stone Guitar). Terrible at long range.
Weapons: Electric Stone Guitar. Kitty Claws.
Special abilities: Aniki.....(Gain a moral boost), Limit Break (Surpass your class' limitation at the expense of making yourself (even more) useless afterwords).
Noteworthy notes: Slowly becomes more Giantdad-ish after each level of Little Bitch, complains a lot, likes Gachimuchi.
A level 3 Stingy Wizard.
Great at battle field control and Teleportation.
Okay at close range. Above average at medium range. below average at long range.
Weapons: Manly Lion Claws, Wizard Staff.
Special abilities: Battle field control(Can change the ground and surrounding area for tactical advantages. That includes the atmosphere and other such thing(Example: Fog). Be creative!), Teleportation(Can move your teammates and objects for tactile advantages.), A Long List of Generic Wizard Spells (Self explanatory).
Noteworthy notes: Really hates wasting mana potions.
A level 2 Eldritch Cleric
Excels at buffs and debuffs, great at healing.
Good at close range. Okay medium range. Weak at long range.
Weapons: Large Machete, Eldritch Chants.
Special abilities: Curse of the Old Ones (Curse an enemy), Blessing of the Mad Gods (Bless an ally or self), Healing Chants(Heal an ally or self)
Noteworthy Notes: Gets slightly annoyed when others eat Tuna, is into bondage(Masochist, submissive), really hates fire.
Caddy Yolburg (Cyborg Lady)
Level 2 Killing Machine
A good mix of intense fire power and l33t hacking skillz.
Above average at close range. Deadly at medium range. Good at long range.
Special abilities: Moar Dakka(Unleashes a bullet/laser/rocket storm), Burn Baby Burn(A fire based AOE blast), remote hacking(Self explanatory), Shotgun punch(Thought getting punched was bad? Well, now add some shotgun shells to it.)
Noteworthy: ....where does she keep finding ammo for these things...?
Ryu McPimp.(Ninja Pimp)
Level 2 Ninja Pimp.
Great at stealth, landing critical blows, and breaking in and entering.
Above-average at close range. Okay medium range. Great long range.
Weapons: Pimp Hand, Pimp Sniper Rife, Pimp Coat, Ninja Kunai.
Special Abilities: Invisible(Can turn invisible if he's under a shadow), Critical Eyes(Can spot the weak points in enemies), Pimp Slap(A chi enhanced Pimp slap), Plastic Surgery(Can alter his appearance by shoving nails to his face. Don't ask me how; I don't know either.) Ninja Hoes(Can Summon his Ninja Hoes when needs be), Lock cracking(A master of unlocking)
Noteworthy Note: He's actually a half Asian Irishman; his accent is something he developed over time.
Lord Montellio von MoMo XXIII(Captain Moustache)
Level 3 Warlord
Holy moly! This old geezer can kick some serious ass.
Great at close range. Good at medium range. Weak at long range.
Weapons: Bare Hands, Moustache
Special abilities: Tentacle 'Stache(Self explanatory. Can be used for grappling or parkour), Razor 'Stache(Fine hair pieces from his 'stache can be used for cutting people up), 'Stache spears.(Seriously.... is there anything he can't do with his moustache), 'Stache boobie traps(Stop it right here!), 'Stache Shield(STOP!), 'Stache umbrella(This is getting stupid), 'Stache Pornography(That's it, I am done)
Noteworthy notes: He really likes battle ship.
SKELETON MAN! (SKELETON MAN!)
LEVEL 4 SKELETON MAN!
CLOSE RANGE: YOU'RE BONED. MEDIUM RANGE: BONE-LY LONG RANGE: BONE-ER
WEAPONS: SKELETON SWORD, SKELETON SHIELD, SKELETON BODY!
SPECIAL ABILITIES: CALCIUM POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!
BONE-WORTHY BONES: Wait.... isn't everyone part man part skeleton?
"Done with the chart? Good, time to devise a plan!"
"Wait, aren't you the one who's supposed to devise the plan? You say you're great at battle field control." you ask Leo.
"If you want to exceed your class limitation then you must begin to take charge!"
"Uhh.." you respond as the great eldritch egg's eyes begin to focus on your team and growls angrily. "Well, I guess it has a lot of eyes... Could you perhaps create an acid rain storm seeing as you can manipulate the weather?"
"What? NO! That will use a lot of mana! Look, we all need to preserve our powers! Because whatever we face next will undoubtedly be stronger than this creature. In fact, we should abstain from using any sort of magic or important item until the final confrontation! Y'know the strategy RPG thing?"
"Screw that! McPimp! You with me?"
"You know it girl!"
Both open fire with their myriad of long-range weaponry.
"Cease fire!" you shout, causing the Caddy and Ryu to stop and look your way, "Now... Lets. Get. Strategical!"
You don your favourite granddad's strategy hat:
And put on some generic march on that perfectly working laptop some neo-liberal threw in the trash:
Lion guy wants to strategise shit? You'll show him your
TRUE COMMANDING SKILLZ by leading this ragtag group to victory in the name of
the R Good!
M: Mustache Man.
S: Skeleton Man.
F: Fish Man
C: Cyborg Woman
L: Lion Man
B: Bitch (You}
Before battle Fishy lays down some eldritch buffs for the party to be more effective. Moustachio and Skeleton man do what their Eugenics program birthed them to: Charge in front and occupy the enemy forces, with fish man providing mellee support. Cyborg Lady provides ranged support and flanks the enemy if the melee proves to be difficult. Bitch gives the enemy hard rock damage, while Lion man stays behind and acts as magic support, either by throwing magical artillery on the enemy or using his battlefield control powers to make sure no one flanks us or goes after our ranged troops.
Where is the ninja, you ask? The ninja's stealthed, you doofus. Don't you know that stealth means "conveniently appears wherever the fuck he wants at the exact moment he is needed and deus ex machinas the opposition"? But other than that, Ninja is out on the front, acting as a scout and then backstabber when battle is joined. Preferrably taking out the ranged enemies.