Dumb Quest.

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT

At first, Yolburg and McPimp were unwilling to listen But when the egg shaped monstrosity easily deflected their ammunition with its invisible force fileds... that's where they reconsidered.

Before the beast could realise where you were, LM teleported you behind it with Fhtagn immediately activating a speed blessing on the party to bum-rush it.

The rush was successful, with Von Momo stabbing its multiple eyes with his 'Stache Spears, Skeleton Man hopping on it and slicing its eyes, Fhtagn holding his stance in case anything happens for quick melee support, Yolburg spamming it with Moar Dakka, Bitch blasting it with lighting, LM providing fireball artillery, and McPimp doing nothing at all because stealth mode.

All was going well until That Eldritch Egg had enough of it. In its pain educed anger it let loose a blue-ish AOE blast. Fortunately, LM countered it with a huge stone wall.

While the wall indeed reduced casualties, it didn't stop Skeleton Man from suffering the full blast of the AOE or Momo and Fhtagn from getting rocks lunged inside of them.

Battle status

Skeleton Man
Health: 40%
Stamina: 60% (The blast negatively affected his stamina)
Special: Under a speed boost

Capitan Moustachio
Health: 80%
Stamina: 78%
Special: Under a speed boost

Health: 85%
Stamina/Arcane: 80%
Special: Under a speed boost

Health: 100%
Stamina/Energy: 80%
Special: Under a speed boost

Health: 100%
Stamina: 97%
Special: Under a speed boost

Health: 100%
Mana: 75%
Special: Under a speed boost

Ninja Pimp
Health: 100%
Stamina/Chi: 100%
Special: In stealth.

That Eldritch Egg
Health: 50%
Arcane: 40%
Special: Enraged(Causes the action meter[1] of the subject to not fall under 40% while in effect)

That Eldrtich Egg sprouted tentacles from its damaged eyes while its undamaged ones undilate; it glows a sinister bluish hue then discharged an equally sinister scream.

Combat phase 2

[1] OoC: The Stamina/Mana/Arcane/Chi/Dildo meter.

"Alright! Lets get some techno-funk future music going here!"

"You kids and your music... Play something that inspires glorious battle!"
"Ahh yeah! That's the stuff!"
"Geez gramps! Way to play the stereotype..."
"Hook me up with some Irish Punk-rock + Traditional Japanese + R&B fusion music!"
"Sheet! Not even close boy!"
"Well how about some sweet, sweet Sax?""Jesus. You guys keep wanting all different shit. What the hell?"
"What? There's a reason we needed a bard... The last one shot himself."

"What? God no! Once was enough!"
"How about some whale songs?" asks Fhtagn wetly.

"Dude! I just healed you... Bitch."

Then, from the deep recesses of your mind, a voice screams with the voices of a thousand insanities:
"PLAY ME SOME METAL LITTLE BITCH!" asks the Eldrich Egg politely.

"Really? Twisted Sister?"
"Dat explains a lot..."

Since you played not one but SIX songs at once despite not being a bard, you took a HUGE strain on your stamina.

Battle Status

Little Bitch
Health: 100%
Stamina: 30%

You almost gave hope all hope up until you hear a voice deep within the anicent parts of your brain: " I WANNA ROCK~!"

That Eldritch Egg enthusiastically bops up and down and waves its tentacles left and right to the music like some fangirl. A fangirl with a shit ton of tentacles and eyes, but a fangirl nonetheless.

It seems you played its favourite song despite not wanting to play for it. Well done, Little Bitch, your complete failure somehow lead gaining a tactile advantage.

Battle Status

That Eldritch Egg
Health: 50%
Arcane: 40%
Special: Appeased. (Can either be spared or surprise attacked for massive damage)
Note: It wants to rock.

What shall you do now?

This ... is quite the pickle. You don't know what to do.

You decide to play the note "J" on your stone guitar, to open the questlog/journal, and read what the sidequest wants you to do with the egg, kill it or ... something else.

Quest Journal

The Eldritch Egg:Stop That Eldritch Egg from attacking the town.

Well, you technically stopped it from attacking the town. So...... quest complete(?).

Quest Completed! Experience Earned!

But you still need to do something about that egg.

"Omelets for everyone!" you shout

"No I believe we're done here, let's keep going." grumbles Leo.

"You sure man? I can slice and dice that Mo' Fo' to make a deeee-licious quiche." suggests Ryu.

"Quiet fools!" shouted Fhtagn, "We have placated the creature, now let me ask it why it has awoken from it's trans dimensional slumber. As a fellow eldritch abomination, it might give me some info."

*Fine. Try diplomacy, but get ready to make scrambled eggs if things go to shit.*

You try reasoning with the eldritch thing.

"Yo! Egg thing! Why you gotta be such a dick to this poor and innocent town?" You ask

That Eldritch Egg raises its many eyebrows at you, you little bitch! And from there it began telepathically snaring at you and your party: "Pure and innocent? As expected of a mere none-interdimensional being!"

Fhtagn simply glares at you for your lack of tact and general little bitch-ery. None the less, he manages to please the creature and earn its trust via their uber-fast eldritch communication link.™

Fhtagn learned a new spell!
Death From Above! (Temporarily summon That Eldritch Egg to rain some arcane meteors on dem fools, much like Rom from Bloodborne. Fuck Rom. She's a bitch. Warning: Consumes huge amounts of energy)

I see...." Fhtagn mutters, "It seems this 'innocent' town is overran by cultists trying to bring forth Dagon, Monster of the Deep Sea. What seemed like a cruel slaughter to our yet to be enlightened minds was an act of scared cleansing. Without our oval friend, it seems we might have had to complete our journey with a boat, he then awkwardly coughs,"However, due to our intervention, one of the cultists from the Deep Sea managed to survive. And our Eldritch comrade can only remain in this realm for a limited amount of time. So I stroke a deal with it: We search for the survivor and he helps us in our main quest in whatever way it can."

Side Quest added: Hunt for the Deep Sea Survivor

Quest Details: Hunt down a surviving Dagon follower. (Notes: Likely much later down the main quest line.)

*Double-Check Diplomacy Skill*

Skill points added: 0
CHA Modifier: -4
Diplomacy total: -4


As everyone starts to make their way back to the jeep, you suggest:

"Wait guys! Let's loot the bodies! Those cultists are sure to have some cool shit!"

"Wha' the hell?!? Nah man, that shit'll get you some kinda disease!"
"You... You disgust me..."
"No. We're not doing that... Freak"
"I CALL SHOTGUN THIS TIME!" shouts Skeleton Man.

"Well, screw you guys, " you thought to yourself as you rummaged through the corpses of the cultists. There was nothing of interest with the sole of exception of a single scroll you can't decipher. Further examination reveals some passages written in English,

"Sword of the Deep?"

Before you can read more of the diabolical passages, Fhtagn grips your hand and utters: "Don't," he easily takes it from your little bitchy hands, "Miracles of Dagon, Monster of the Deep Sea, are most profane and catastrophic," he points at you with the tip of the scroll, "Especially by the hands of those ignorant of the Eldritch tongue!" He scorns you.

He crumbles the scroll and places it inside his pouch. Before heading to the Jeep, he warns "Please, stop searching the corpses or you might end up getting a disease as McPimp has warned. For the time being, I will keep this scroll with me until we find an appropriate place to dispose of it."

Fish guy just stole your loot. God damn it.

Luckily McPimp is still here, smoking a cigar. Maybe you can strike a deal with him so you can return the scroll at your rightful hands?

Or maybe... just maybe... you should take Fhtagn's warnings seriously and just not mess with freaky Eldritch shit.

What shall you do?

Audaces Fortuna Juvat, you think. If you run away from loot on the first warning of Old God STD's you'll never become Giantdad!

You loot the corprses. You loot them good. You loot them so carefully people mistake you for a necrophiliac, but little do they know that if given enough booze you're the first to grab a shovel. Treasures, weapons and bling await you.

And maybe Eldritch HIV. But how worse could it be from the regular HIV anyway?

Despite your extreme exploitation of the dead, you did not find anything of value besides some copper coins here and there along with the occasional ritual dagger.

All that changed when you found a ring....

Scales of Dagon acquired!

The ring seems quite powerful, indeed; it strongly radiates a transparent, slightly viscous azure coloured substance.

You "Awe!" in amazement at your gorgeous find. But just like a deep sea anglerfish, what seems beautiful in all actuality hides a horror that will sink your remains to the very depths of the profaned oceans.

The flowy glowing substance transforms into a black liquid, darker than even the very bottom of the Mariana Trench. It melts your flesh and exposes the bones of your hand. Yet, you do not feel a burning sensation. Instead, it feels cold. So much so, you feel your entire body freezing. The pain of melting flesh and Eldritch coldness decimates whatever left of your pain tolerance. So it is so, that everything fades to black and you die.

Except not. For you awaken anew. And what awaits your rebirth is those words: "Holy shit, he actually woke up!"

"Awwww..." Skeleton Man laments, "I really enjoyed his filthy magazines, too," he says while sitting on a stuck pile of your pornography.

You opened your eyes and tried examining your hand; you discover you're completely covered in bandages, save for your left eye.

"We seriously considered throwing your decaying body after the first 3 days," LM explains, "luckily, we found some Phoenix ash on your person. How you mistook it for orange cocaine is beyond me."

Huh. That would explain why your cocaine levels weren't significant when LM used his doohickey on you.

"Some unfortunate news, though: Phoenix Ash doesn't just 'heal' you; it recreates you anew......"

At first, you didn't understand what LM means. But further examination of your hand reveals it's more... human-looking...

"Also, the rebirth didn't complete its cycle yet. So for now, you look like a cross between a spooky skeleton and a bacon person."
Good damn it, LM! It's seems like one bad news after the other, isn't it?

"Oh, and you're impotent until the cycle is complete."

Well, that's bullshit.

"Along with temporary memory loss."

The fuck? Temporary memory loss? But you remember everything clea-oh.... it seems you forgot your own name. Ah, whatever! It probably sucked anyway.

On more uplifting news: Your near death experience along with your weeks of comatose battles against Eldritch HIV has strengthened your resistance to freaky Eldritch shit, with a free level up as interest.

Congratulations! You become a level 3 Little Bitch!
You are now a disgusting mummy.

You're probably really confused right about now and likely want a handful of questions answered.

Or maybe you don't give a shit and just roll with it.

Or maybe you shall do something else entirely.

What shall you do now?

Offer delicious bacon to anyone who can tell you what the hell is going on.

"Not literal bacon, Little Bitch," LM corrects.

"The Hell is a bacon person, then?" You ask LM.

Instead of doing something fanciful or mystical with his magik, the stingy wizard instead pulls out his smart phone and shows you this.

"Anyway, back to your original question: Welcome to Ferroterra, the Iron Lands. We're currently standing in the Memorial of Lord Ferrous. Long story short: Some freaky fog shit came which made shit really freaky. We got to get rid of it, preferably by making it-or whatever in it- dead.

As for what happened to you: You were comatose the whole time and just happened to wake up when we arrived at the Memorial of Lord Ferrous. We also got stalled for time by the interdimensional traffic police, but I rather not get into that.

Any more questions or should we get this fog party started already?"

Well, do you have any more questions?

Test your new teenage ninja mummy body. You'll have to get used to it after all.

Test for:
Vigour: So you know how many hits you can take. Probably gonna ask Skeleton Man to punch you a few times. Maybe have the entire crew have a go at you. You always were a sub, anyway.

Attunement: Just because in your previous body had as much magical aptitude as the decaying corpse of Bill Clinton's fourthteenth sex affair (which is none) doesn't mean that the new one won't have any sort of magical aptitude. You suppose you could ask the fishman to sense any such potential in you.

Endurance: Whether you like it or not, doing anything but being a useless piece of shit and playing video games all day requires effort. For extremely practical reasons, like for example if you were stranded in the middle of Alabama with a horde of banjo-playing rapist hillbillies on your heels, you gotta know how long you can paddle. You should run around the temple a few times and see how well you are afterwards.

Vitality: Isn't that supposed to be the same as endurance? Whatever. Equip bags of rocks to check equipment load whilst running around the temple. You don't understand why running around with rocks will test for anything, much less for abstract video game concepts, but for some reason you're feeling especially masochistic today.

Strength: Can you two-hand a rock?

Dexterity: Try using the inferior Japanese steel that is conveniently laying next to you. PSA: If you can, you're a faggot.

Intelligence: Though the form of bacon mummy doesn't have many exciting prospects, it's very possible that your mind isn't as rotten as the outside. Try running complex computations on how plausable the boob-bouncing of your favourite anime waifu is. Afterwards, consider killing yourself for having one.

Faith: Still as faithless as /r/atheism. Though you suppose your faith in Goddess Madoka, your 24th waifu, counts. Maybe that will get you a few points into that.

Sex Appeal: You're a mummy! You've been around rule34 paheal enough to know there are people out there that really dig mummies! Try hitting on the female!

LOIN CLOTH POWER!: A loin cloth is a symbol of raw masculine power! Aniki would be proud! See if it possesses any untapped potential!

"No. No more questions," You answer LM before attempting to slowly stand up like a badass. If this was your old kitty body, it would be extremely cringe-y instead. Now it's half as cringe-y!.

"I need to test this body...." You loudly exclaim and move your fingers about. Despite your current state of being, a walking cadaver, you feel powerful. Well, comparatively more powerful than your old pathetic furry form, anyway.

You make a quick glance at the memorial of the old god of iron; it's massive and ornate, just like the lord it's dedicated to. Yet, there's rust in areas where rust shouldn't be in. That greatly discomforts you. You quickly try looking for your old junk, but can't seem to find it. That which is the most valuable of your possessions, Aniki's picture.

You collapse and cry. In midst of your despair, something falls from the wraps of your chest in the area near your heart; it's Aniki! You wonder who put it there during your coma, but whoever it is he/she surely knows how valuable that picture is to you.


"You sure about that?" Asks Skeleton man.

"YESH, PUNCH ME NOW!" Was your foolish reply.

Skeleton Man causally punches your abdomen; the force of it made you collapse on your hands and knees and vomit blood.

"Okay, that's enough testing fo-" before you can quit like a bitch, Fhtagn 'kindly' intervenes.

"Oh no, sweet friend; I can help you continue your rigorous testing with my miracles. And don't worry, my comrade! We all leveled up while you were comatose, so healing you over and over after every single near death beating should be simple!"
Despite not exactly being the sharpest tool in the shed, you can tell he's not really interested in 'helping' you. Huh, guess you annoyed him so much he decided to switch from being a submissive masochist to a dominant sadist.

Once Fhtagn stopped healing you, you knew you were in one hell of a beating.

After hours of your own party curbstomping you, you gathered enough data to surmise you have about average vigour, around the 15 mark if this were a certain RPG with an infamously hardcore reputation.


You ask fish man to-

Fhtagn punches your face.

"Dude!" you shout at him while covering your bleeding nose, "We're done with Vigour testing! I now want you to test my magical aptitude!"

"Well then...." Fhtagn punches your balls. Instead of crying like a little girl and puking blood every where, you cry like a little girl and puke magical aura everywhere. You expect there was a less painful method, but you were too busy crying to question Fhtagn.

"I see....
"Your magical potential isn't much, but you can memorize up to two spells after a short study period. I suggest you focus your spells on personal buffs, minor debuffs, or secondary combat usage. Stay away from party buffs, major debuffs and primary combat spells. You don't have enough magical potential to sustain them. Or at least, competently sustain them."


You had a total of two loops around the Memorial of Lord Ferrous before succumbing to exhaustion. However, since Fhtagn is such a 'great friend' that wants the absolute best for you, he simulates actual danger by chasing you around with his large machete. It had great effects on you since it forced you to do over 34 (your favourite number) loops around the temple.

When push comes to shove, it seems you have great endurance.


Just like the endurance test, you had a total of two loops before exhaustion. But luckily your bro for life, Fhtagn, decided to whip you back into shape. Literally. Each time you're even sightly close to stopping, Fhtagn gives you a wicked whip thrashing to motivate you to move forward.

Your vitality is indistinguishable to your endurance. Huh... almost like they're virtually identical.


You can indeed two hand a rock.

But this displeases Fhtagn, who shakes his head in front of you in complete disapproval. He goes outside and fetches a huge rock. At first you refused to lift it, but you soon reconsidered when he threatened to show you who's the boss of this gym.

You were successful in lifting the rock. So Fhtagn fetches another rock and puts it on top of the rock you're currently carrying; your knees are currently shaking. And then he puts another one on top......

Your knees cave and the rocks fall on you. Fortunately Fhtagn is here to make sure you don't die. Unfortunately Fhtagn is here to make sure you don't die.

None the less, you are strong. Strong enough to even lift a zweihander. Or should I say.... Bass Cannon?


Yes! The moment you have been waiting for! In all your years of practise*[1], you're about to unleash your special technique!

You grab the scabbard with your left hand and run towards the rock that crushed you earlier, unleashing the blade from its scabbard at just the right moment and angle for a slash that cuts even the mountains.

This isn't an anime. What actually happens is that the blade broke in half the moment you brushed the rock with it. The broken half flew to an oddly suspicious looking statue. Upon impact the blade shattered and... went on fire?! You must examine this statue immediately after your training montage!


...you realised that the titty bouncing of your waifu isn't even remotely possible...

You're now in despair.


Since your precious Madokami isn't your #1 waifu, your faith is pathetic.

But not all is lost: There might be something you value even more than Goddess Madoka. But who? WHO COULD IT BE?! In your dilemma, you grip your heart. You know you can't reach it with thought or logic, but through your most basic and pure of emotions....


He was always there for you...

Your guiding moonlight....

Your true mentor....

You emit a holy glow that rivals... or even surpasses that of Fhtagn at his absolute maximum. A halo made of Mars symbols spin above your head in a clockwise fashion.

Using Aniki's picture as a talisman, you form a massive HOLY MARS SYMBOL SPEAR which you aim at Fhtagn. Fhtagn does not move for he is in a complete trance-like state in face of your holy gayness.

"WHO WILL SHOW WHOM WHO IS THE BOSS OF THIS GYM, YOU FUCKIN' #CASUL!" Your moment of absolute badassery and Giantdadness is cutshort when your holy gay aura wore off.

Fhtagn, who is not pleased with you calling him a #casul, snaps from his trance and slowly approaches.

"Om....." You bow down to Fhtagn, "Tis you who will show me who is the true boss of this gym!" You plea.

However, begging won't work, for Fhtagn has already-

The following has been censored for being both too explicit and traumatising.


"Hey, bae?" was your greeting to Yolburg, "How about we jump the old bones, eh?" You thrust your hips and wink.

Instead of getting flustered or blushing like one of your shit-tier tsundere waifus, her face was of nihilism inducing indifference.

You "gah!" at her high levels of apathy; it's like staring into the void itself! You can barely sustain yourself against the existential nightmare that is Caddy Yolburg, but she utterly breaks you with these lines: "Aren't you supposed to be impotent?"

It's true! You ARE impotent!

You cry and cling to Yolberg's feet, but just like how an Ebola victim clings to life, your cruel mistress of total abyssal callousness steps on you like used rags and continues her day like nothing happened.

You're now in despair. Again.


From all your rigours testing of your mental and bodily limits, the wraps around your hips and gluts loosen, exposing your buttchecks and crotch. However, it seems you're not completely nude there; the loincloth thong you just happen to always wear gives you the barest amounts of modesty. But modestly nonetheless

It's not just for striking fear in friends and foes; it also gives you excellent mobility. Makes sense, since you're basically wearing nothing.

And thus your training montage was complete. What shall you do now?

[1] *watching anime

With the power of your pelvic thrusts, the front flap of the loincloth can begin blow the fog back to whence it came!

Onwards! Beat back the fiendish fog with groinal gyrations!

You should probably ask/search the memorial for equipment, since you so graciously destroyed that katana. Until your impotence is cured, your pelvic thrusts will have little power and you need to show your companions you're not a little bitch anymore.

Oh, speaking of that katana, didn't the broken half get set on fire? You should check that up. Why not ask one of your friendly companions to touch that statue? You can rationalise that by saying that it's suspicious-looking enough that it may lead to a secret passage.

"So, where do I get new equipment?" You ask LM.

"What, new consumables?" LM asks, "what do you need used items for?" he sweats and eyes the exist.

Before he can reenact that scene from that one anti-Semitic comic you really like, you stand in fort of the door that leads to the exist; leaving only the way high up windows and the spooky looking and dank stairs that lead to The Ferrous Graveyards.

"Ah fine, I do have 'some' items on my person..... but you're nothing but a little bitch! A nameless accursed mummy! Unfit to even wank!"

Hey now... his harsh words actually hurt your feelings.

"However......" he adds, "Even if giving you handouts is a waste of resources, I will show you kindness by trading with you," He causally walks to your stock pile of pornography and picks up a mag.

To your shock, his item of interest is none other then the second most prized of your possessions: The ero doujin with your #1 waifu on it!

"Well...." LM awkwardly scratches his mane, indicating strong signs of embarrassment. All he's missing are Chinese Cartoons blushies and he will fit right in with your degenerate animes, "I didn't.... well.... mate in a long period....and I don't think I will meet any lionesses of my species for a good while...." he then points to the cover of the doujin, "While her chest is a bit too much for me.... she isn't half bad for a human.... You're impotent, anyway! You're practically getting stuff for free here!"

Should you trade your waifu to LM, he will provide you with a single item/set of your choice from the following list.

Stingy Lion's Wares:

1-Chainmail set with a fashionable blue coat
2-A longsword.
3-Bow and arrows(25).
4-A set of throwing knives(35).
5-Black Firebombs(10).
6-healing potions(5).
7-5 mana potions.NOT FOR SALE!

Wither or not you trade your waifu, you shall now proceed to the odd statue.

Like the scumbag you are, you considered making your companions touch the statue for you.

The only available companions at the moment are Skeleton Man and Fhtagn; you took Skeleton Man with you for obvious reasons.

Convincing Skeleton man to the touch the statue, you run back a few metres in case everything goes ablaze; nothing happens.

"Huh?" You exclaim in confusion. Taking a closer look at the statue, you realise something: HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S GIANTDAD OH MY GWYN!

A thought occurs to you: Maybe you should touch the statue and see what happens.... though that option requires not being a cowardly little bitch.

Do Ryu McPimp proud. Trade your useless lady pictures for 10 Black Firebombs bitches! Assume that you'll never actually use them, because you'll want to save them for something more powerful. Secret them about your person by... Uh...

It's all or nothing baby! Make out with Giantdad statue. Deep with tongue.


"I...." You cry and sniffle, "She's my waifu! I can't-"

"Seriously, nigga?" The pimp intervenes, "Didn't you tell me ya ain't a leetle bitch but a giant pimp daddy? The hell are you doing bro?! Keeping useless lady pictures even though yo ass is impotent?!" was his stern criticism.

"Yeah, but-" was your lame attempt at justifying your waifu-faggotry and general pitifulness. McPimp will not have any of that shit; he cuts your pathetic excuse with a loud "ENOUGH!" followed by a very disappointed, almost infuriated verbal beat-down: "I don't wanna hear any bullshieet! I get it. I waz wrong about you; you ain't no giant daddy. Just a leetle bitch..."

He storms out; making it obvious he wants to avoid making any contact with you.

You now feel hurt. McPimp was the nicest guy to you on your whole trip. Well..... comparatively nice. He even gave you one of his fancy cigars after the whole apartment incident from weeks ago!

Ah fuck it! Might as well not be a complete disappointment at least once in your life. You trade your dirty-mag for 10 black firebombs.


You decided that you're not a little bitch anymore and thus attempted to make out with the Giantdad statue; bad decision. The Giantdad statue engulfs you in light choas flame; it's not lethal, but it is the most painful thing you have ever endured in your life.

followed shorty after you screams of hell-fire agony, the Giantdad statue speaks. "#Casul! Git back when you git gud!"

Assuming you aren't a complete idiot, you should clearly notice that you should come back to the Giantdad statue after completing your 5 levels of the Little Bitch class.

Fhtagn 'helps' you with your chaos problem with a water powered elbow drop. It doesn't do shit to chaos since it's no ordinary flame. So you have to complete your journey with a broken rip and a flaming skull. Well, serves you right for trying to set people on fire.

Hours have passed and you learned to adjust yourself to the agonising flames. Because of that, your pain tolerance increased ten folds along with a nice boost to your vigour. The flame also subsided to your eye-socket instead of engulfing you whole. How can you see without any eyes is beyond me, but nonetheless you look quite badass. Doesn't make you any less of a little bitch, though.

With your equipment set and a sort rest, what shall you do now?


You do 10 push ups in order to level your sorry ass up. Butyou become asthmatic and now your arms hurt as well as your chaos-scorched body.

1/4000 XP to next level!

"If you've quite finished," Grumped Lion Man, "Let us proceed to investigate this malevolent eldritch fog that threatens our world and... Are you playing with the Scales of Dagon ring again?"

"Well I was thinking I could experiment a little with it and see if..."

"No the Scales of Dagon is not a c*** ring. Stop that."

Fine... Onwards to kill some mean fog with some sort of Darkfire Napalm!

a telepathic BLT has entered the battle!

Flirt with the telepathic BLT. After all. It knows what you want.

When you and your party were about to enter The Rusted Towns, you were interrupted on the bridge that connects between it and the Memorial of Lord Ferrous by a telepathic BLT.

"Holt, mortals," the BLT telepathically communicates to you and your party, "I cannot let you cross this bridge. And if you attempt to defy me, your death shall be swift," it threatened.

You, with all your hunger, ignored its lettuce-tier threats and attempted flirting with the psionic sandwich. "Hey there, tasty!"

"What? Tasty! How dare you mock me mort-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" The telepathic BLT was too insulted at your attempts at filtration to notice Skeleton Man's calcium hands gripping it firmly and taking a bite out of it like how Filthy Frank takes a bite out of that pus-er..... anyway, the telepathic BLC is now a dead BLT.

"Good thinking, Little Bitch!" LM compliments you.

"Oh... oh yeah!" You boast, "it was all part of my master plan to distract it while Skeleton Man moves in for the kill!" You took credit for what is essentially pure luck.

On the gateway to the Rusted Towns:

"Great!" LM stands in front of the gate and addresses the party. "We have arrived at the Towns of Prince Cuprum," LM turns and makes a quick glance at the towns, noting the rust and corrosion that surround it, "Ferrous have mercy! The Rusted Towns is more like it!"

He then turns back and points at you.
"Oy! Little Bitch. Scout the area for us, why don't you?"

Shall you comply to LM's demand or will you question and bitch at him for sending you on your own.

I would watch out for rust monsters.

Use your stealth to scout the area.

Good thing about being mostly naked and disgusting, is that no-body is going to want to look at you.

Oh. And another thing that makes stealthing easier is to create a distraction. Find some big flammable thing and use one of your black-fire bombs. That ought to do it!

I'm freakin' Solid Snake baby!

Ah, some petrol and feminism threads. This ought to do it...

Luckily, putting it out later will be some other schmuck's problem.

Alongside participating in arson, you conveniently found an untended and perfectly functional computer with an internet connection. You can't help but feel it belongs to the same neoliberal that threw that one laptop in the trash a few weeks ago.

Regardless, you go to the forums and start shitposting about feminism.

CONGRATULATIONS! You successfully distracted the rust monsters!


To your west lies a down way stair path formerly guarded by rust soldiers.

Ahead of that is a door that leads to a balcony of sorts.

To the south there is an upward stair way.

On top of the stairs are two narrow bridges: One long and the other short. West and east respectively.

What shall you investigate first?

Green = upward stairs or ladder
Purple = downward stairs or ladder
Gold = doors
Black = fog/the unkown
Red circle = you

You are scout.

Scouts scout area.

Scouting is easier from vantage points.

Balcony is vantage point.

Scout balcony.

And if there is anyone below the balcony, pee on them.

Hopefully this will grant you additional points in piss aiming and trajectory.

And also that is just one of those things that gets you off.

+1 in sexual deviancy.

Opening the door to the balcony, the first thing that catches your eye is a fairly oxidised brass shield. It depicts a powerful figure , male, you surmise, who oversees other, smaller figures with varying amounts of weaponry.

The shield is in the possession of a rusty humanoid cadaver. You can't tell its gender due to the rust eating away distinctive facial and bodily features. And you're not an anatomist, so you cannot tell the gender simply by bone structure and approximate proportions. Even if you were, you would have a hard time considering the corpse is clothed in fairly thick leather and rusty armour.

The figure clutches an equally rusted battle axe; even in death, the fallen warrior has a strong bond to its weapons.

Do you desire to take away its weapons? If not, you would take the path adjacent to the cadaver to continue scouting. Or you can do something else entirely.

What shall you do now?

The dead have no need for arms.

Take his arm as a weapon.

Axes are too manly a weapon for the likes of you.

Clean the arm first, using Lemon Pledge and a clean cloth.

You take the rusty armor and shield from what is left of the warrior and attempt to don them.

You proceed to attempt to polish the knight outfit to a mirror shine with the cloth. The helmet, hopefully, covers your ugly mug.

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment
Have an account? Login below:
With Facebook:Login With Facebook
Not registered? To sign up for an account with The Escapist:
Register With Facebook
Register With Facebook
Register for a free account here