Reliable Source: I Once Punched a 13-Year-Old in the Face

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT
 

When I read that article's heading I went "Hey so have I!". Though my story was completely different, the punk flicked hot cigarette ash in my face with a cigarette he stole from my housemate.

Jetpacks -not that cool? I only played the one-map demo of Secret Weapons, but it still holds one of my favourite gaming memories. I was just goofing around in a two man game on a LAN with my brother, who was upstairs in the room directly above me. He was using a Jeep as a land torpedo while I was on foot. I stood my ground, pecking away at him with an SMG as he roared straight at me. Little did he know I had snagged the jetpack. In his haste to commit vehicular manslaughter, he also failed to notice the flag pole immediately behind me. Just seconds before impact I took off and soared majestically over the Jeep which quickly became a flaming crumpled metal mess behind me. And then we both burst out laughing.

Much like I did reading your story.

hURR dURR dERP:
Don't we all want to punch a 13-year-old in the face some times?

all the time.

OT: great article, as always. you never cease to amaze me with your small anecdotes

Ah...keeping me entertained on the weekends.

Should've punched the "friend" in the face for taking some random internet teenager's word over yours.

All I could think of after reading this was, "Punkbuster once again proves what a useless piece of shit it is."

Ahh your articles always put a smile on my face. Great work as always Mr.Cox! Perhaps some day we shall meet and exhange war stories of funny surnames.

Jesus... I'm almost ashamed to admit that this is (to some degree) a bit new to me. I mean, yes, I've had my fair share of shitty players who claim "HAX" every time, but I've never seen clan drama on this caliber.

The closest I've been exposed to this would probably be the "People vs Racists" smackdowns that would happen on Unreal Tournament servers (later mirrors over to Halo CE). I mean, what would you expect to get when people have the nerve to make dedicated servers with names like "White Power" or "No Niggers Allowed"?

On the other hand, I've had so many experiences with the "OMG U HAX" assholes, that it almost feels like a normal thing for me. These are the same kids who won't let you play Captain Falcon on Brawl because they can't block his moves, or some shit. If only they all received a well play punch in the mouth that they rightfully deserve.

Diclaimer: Yes, I am aware that this article is satirical.

Therumancer:

cainx10a:
Snip

You dissolve the body in a tub with industrial caustic or a drain cleaner that includes it. Basically if it will remove a jam of chicken or pork chop bones from a garbage disposal it will eventually dissolve human bones enough for the same result. It's not quick, but it's the most effective and traceless way to dispose of remains that a relatively regular person can use. Burning the body, burial, and other techniques are problematic. If your planning a killing set it up so you have enough time to dispose of the body correctly.

Uhhh..... What do you say we form an alliance so that you don't do that to me?

Marion, you are a genius. Mr. Flask is lord of space and time.

Do people even play Battlefield Vietnam anymore? We need more Vietnam games.

OT: I hate people like that. I don't see it much, but when I do, it's just so annoying.

Normal person+ anonymity + audience= fuckwad. Unfortunately, this kid didn't have the anonymity. I see this kind of thing too much these days, it's retarded, some 10 year old joins a server, won't shut the fuck up on the mic then accuses of hacking because they're shit. He deserved everything he got. He actually reminds me of myself, fat, 13, coke, crisps, iron maiden, it's like a cunt version of me.

Punk kids these days need to learn that they can get beaten up for what they say on the internet.

Should have punched him the face.

My hands would hurt like hell if I punched every 13 year old that I wanted too over Xbox Live though.

hahahaha internet decency laws oh you... :P

Personally, I would have headbutted the little prick. Nothing says revenge like good, hard connection of the skulls.

Great story though. Glad to see a cooler head prevailed.

Ha!

Quite the funny article, Marion (Can I call you Marion? No? Well fine, Kid Puncher)

Hilarious. It's actually quite shocking how much nerd-o-rama can come of video games...

Reliable Source is perhaps the most consistently oresum column on the Escapist.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

You should have punched Jim in the face what kind of friend hangs you out to dry like that and then votes you out of his clan? I've been in a few clans over the years and if anyone of our team was banned like that the game would have been ended and we would have asked for a demo. I guess what I'm trying to say is your friend Jim is a complete tool.

I've punched a 13 year old in the head.
I just happened to be 13 at the time.

Also - never had this problem, usually because I am either shit or DEMONSTRABLY AWESOME.
As in if I do kill people, it's more because of something they've done wrong or that they can see I've done right.

And whilst I will kick people for ruining other people's fun, regardless of whether it is hacking (this was back when some weird people thought I was a good choice for admin,) It seems churlish to kick someone for being good in a competitive match.

I have grown to love you exceedily super true stories Marion Cox!

baconfist:
You should have punched Jim in the face what kind of friend hangs you out to dry like that and then votes you out of his clan? I've been in a few clans over the years and if anyone of our team was banned like that the game would have been ended and we would have asked for a demo. I guess what I'm trying to say is your friend Jim is a complete tool.

I must say I agree. Anyone who you count as a friend who takes some anonymous person's word over yours is generally a tool and I know because a former friend of mine pulled the same BS on me. I'd rather be stuck with stereotypical XBL tard than deal with Clan drama ever again. I wish I could just punch some people's souls whenever I run into this BS.

You poor bastard. Seems like life keeps throwing you curve balls. Still, I admire your determination and strength of will to not steal his bike and bag of Cheetos and ride like a lunatic into the night...

Wait...

Great Story, but that's what you get when you go online. Hordes of 13 year old kids screaming HAX or N00B! Im suprised he actually went and tracked the kid down.

Marion Cox, You are my Hero. *HIGH FIVE*

DrunkWithPower:
Mmmm, Big Lebowski quotes are usually the best to fall back on. If I'm ever in doubt, I go with the best Harrison Ford voice I can muster and the line "Give me back my family".

or "Get off my plane!"

You should have punched him in the face. Not many people in our world gets that kind of oppertunity, to wipe the fake internet bravado from a punk's mind and showing him just what real life entails. That, if he'd done such a thing in a personal setting, that the result would be the same.

It irritates me how these punks are. Treating people with disrespect, calling names and false accusations. Why do they do it? Are they compensating for their inadequacies in the real world? Does shyness and introvertion equate to bigotry and over-confidence in the digital world?

Hehe, a friend of mine who's Maori started playing with an aussie white supremacist BF2 clan.

Some of the stories he told me about the smack these guys used to talk about sounded funny as hell, particularly on the day he informed them he was a Maori.

I never got into the whole clan thing, didn't seem much point after Quake, particularly when GameArena and Internode host a lot of maps.

Lol It might be because I like The Next Generation, but the "Picard out" line cracked me up, hate when people suck and get you kicked for being good at something. I mean if you don't want success just say so.

Greatest story I'll likely hear all week...

I love this article so much.
I love pretty much everything in this column, but the last 2 paragraphs here are just hilarious and awesome.

This is why I decided to stay as a Community Admin rather then a clan member, the bullshit of teens swearing, accusing, and purposely kicking me from their CoD2 server to "eliminate" a threat.

2 weeks later they joined the server I Admin using a aimbot, The Ban Hammer got its feed of squeaky teens.

tbh reading these articles is a little annoying, its like listening to a he says she says argument except we only get your version of the story and your version always feels like uve ommited certain facts and added extra ones to make yer self seem more interesting.
like for one i doubt yer mate would suddenly jus flip on u like if u didnt either have a history of cheating or that u were infact cheating and tbh the fact yer article is dedicated to u bragging bout how u punched sum poor fat kid in the face indicates to me that u probably actually are immature enough to cheat in a online game.
Im also sceptical that u even punched this kid in the face tbh cause u basically described the most f*cking cliche nerd ever doing the most nerdy thing possible (other than trading pokemon cards urgggh)
I think in ur mind ur in mid divorce, pissed off that yer losing a game, (which probably then made u do the other most cliche thing nerds do while losing which is to say "yeah well at least i have a life" or sumthing along the lines of "gg fatty" or kiddie) chuck a lil fit, put yer "hacks" on, come back from yer loss then get busted by punkbuster causing yer whole team to lose the match on the spot when it kicked in.
Then im guessing yer friend probably went nuts at u for making a dick move like that etc etc etc rage rage rage aww friendship breaks up, gg game drama strikes again and u do nothing but sit there thinking about how ud "smash that fat nerd" in real life.
That and the fact that you would have to be a total f*cking idiot to put up a confession with so much detail like this where this fat kid if he exsists would more than likely come to this site find out your real name and u end up with a nice assault and theft charge.....

i like you, by which i mean the author

Michael Davos:
tbh reading these articles is a little annoying, its like listening to a he says she says argument except we only get your version of the story and your version always feels like uve ommited certain facts and added extra ones to make yer self seem more interesting.
like for one i doubt yer mate would suddenly jus flip on u like if u didnt either have a history of cheating or that u were infact cheating and tbh the fact yer article is dedicated to u bragging bout how u punched sum poor fat kid in the face indicates to me that u probably actually are immature enough to cheat in a online game.
Im also sceptical that u even punched this kid in the face tbh cause u basically described the most f*cking cliche nerd ever doing the most nerdy thing possible (other than trading pokemon cards urgggh)
I think in ur mind ur in mid divorce, pissed off that yer losing a game, (which probably then made u do the other most cliche thing nerds do while losing which is to say "yeah well at least i have a life" or sumthing along the lines of "gg fatty" or kiddie) chuck a lil fit, put yer "hacks" on, come back from yer loss then get busted by punkbuster causing yer whole team to lose the match on the spot when it kicked in.
Then im guessing yer friend probably went nuts at u for making a dick move like that etc etc etc rage rage rage aww friendship breaks up, gg game drama strikes again and u do nothing but sit there thinking about how ud "smash that fat nerd" in real life.
That and the fact that you would have to be a total f*cking idiot to put up a confession with so much detail like this where this fat kid if he exsists would more than likely come to this site find out your real name and u end up with a nice assault and theft charge.....

is your name poon?

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment
Have an account? Login below:
With Facebook:Login With Facebook
or
Username:  
Password:  
  
Not registered? To sign up for an account with The Escapist:
Register With Facebook
Register With Facebook
or
Register for a free account here