Zero Punctuation: Alone in the Dark

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Its sad that they had decided to make the boobilas stupid. Boobilas can be smart.

good review, its a shame that those good ideas weren't utilized better in the gameplay.

Okay, about the music, though. The music itself is fine, I get that its better to not rely on potential copyright infringes and establish your own recognizable tune and what not, so no complaints there. But does it have to be so fucking LOUD?! I mean jesus, I just finish hearing your last run on sentence where you end on a quiet note, get a second of silence and then .... "FUCK YEEEEEAAAAAA!!!! GUITARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"

The audio balance could certainly use a generous tweak. For as loud as I need to set the volume to hear you speak, the assault on my ears from the theme is just too much.

So again, music fine - volume way high. Hope you take this into consideration.

Another win. I loved this review and would have to agree with it wholeheartedly. It's unfortunate that he dislikes Americans, because I would like to sponsor him for citizenship so he doesn't have to deal with Austrailia's tardiness on importing games or their laws on what games should or should not be banned.

(Also, I would secretly suck out his genius and place it in a breakfast cereal, allowing us to slowly take over the world with the sheer power of our minds...)

I really do love you Yahtzee,

But you are such a cunt

Oh! Funnies are back. I still miss the music. That last bit was good stuff...

The music is terrible, the humor is forced, and the wit is non existent.

And people still suck his cock.

It's over, Yahtzee is now Tim Buckley. Except Yahtzee used to be good, so it's even more depressing.

I still say the intro movie is pretentious. I don't care that much about the music per se, but I think the move looks needless and pretentious.


You can skip sections of the game if you get stuck or just don't feel like playing a section? Is this a new thing? What genius came up with this?

(and, no, the new music isn't growing on me, and likely never will. I'm already tuning it out.)

Wheres the transcript?

LOL, these reviews keep getting better.

Music's grown on me!

You know what I hate?

When they make a game in a series that has THE EXACT SAME NAME AS THE FIRST GAME IN THE SERIES. It's like that 2006 "Sonic the Hedgehog" game (which ironically was also poorly received)...why the heck did they give it the exact same name as the first game? They couldn't have been even mildly creative and added something? Nintendo at least for New Super Mario Bros. named it...well, New Super Mario Bros. They didn't call it Super Mario Bros, they named it New Super Mario Bros. to differentiate it. How hard is it to use a LITTLE (and you don't need more than a little!) creativity in naming? If nothing else they could've thrown on a number or a generic ending title (i.e. Resurrection, Revenge, etc.) to the end, that would've worked.

Hey again, another transcript

I make a policy of never reading other people's reviews, because it can taint my own recollection of a game and because I'm increasingly certain that I'm the only person on Earth whose brain works properly. But it's been pretty difficult to avoid the popular opinion of Alone in the Dark. What with it being apparently the latest in a long line of Worst Games Evarr and responsible for the deaths of several of my correspondent's families judging by the way they tearfully email me, requesting that I verbally assassinate it. Well I thought "Fuck those bereaved bastards, who think I'm some kind of swearing ninja for hire. I'm going to play Alone in the Dark and damn well try to like it." A few days have passed since then and you'll be surprised to learn that even the majority can be totally totally right.

So, Edward Carnby from the very first Alone in the Dark is some how still alive, and thankfully no longer made out of folded cray paper, and wakes up in modern day New York with a bad case of plot convenient amnesia and being hunted by rips in the wall paper. Then all restraint gets tearfully bade farewell, and put on a bus to Azerbaijan, when a load of buildings blow up and Edward finds himself forced to fight against his standard satanic apocalypse scenario, while coming up with several contrived excuses to drive cars over ramps in slow motion, Creating a feel somewhere between the Prince of Darkness and the Dukes of Hazard.

He gets joined by a female sidekick who sweeps the horrible game character awards, taking Most Obviously Provided Love Interest, Most Irritating, Least Useful to Gameplay, Least Necessary to Plot, and Lifetime Achievement. Perhaps the crowning moment of her hideousness is when she nearly dies and the game forces you to press a button sequence in order to revive her with CPR. Although the spiteful cow never actually dies, no matter how many times you deliberately fuck up.

What's tragic is that the good ship Alone in the Dark can see Port Good Game with out a telescope, but they were apparently in such a hurry to get there that they accidently landed at the Cock Up Peninsula. It's full of good ideas balanced by terrible execution which I will illustrate using two hypothetical designers I'm going to call Terry and Gonad.

"Hey," said Terry, "Let's have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound day counts on your characters body."
"Ok," replies Gonad, "But let's put them on the outside of his clothes so that it looks like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper."
"Hey again," says Terry, "How about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright lights?"
"Okay again," says Gonad, "Now let's make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it, and make it a one hit kill."
Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue, while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself.

Another interesting idea that got royally butt fucked is the inventory system, in which players are theoretically encouraged to pick up scrappy bits of junk and combine them into MacGyver style improvised weaponry. In practice, the player will find that the people of New York casually throw away an enormously large amount of Nitro Glycerin. And all you need to do is pour some of it onto your bullets, then pop a hankie into the bottle and bingo, you're equipped for absolutely anything the game can throw at you. In all fairness there are quite a few combinations to find, and some of them are actually turn out to be useful. But Gonad's presence is felt once again, Firstly giving you an aggressively small number on inventory spaces, in which your essential ammo, lighter, and plot important McGuffin all take up a space. And secondly by not pausing the game when you go into the inventory screen. So your attempts to fumble a wick into a vodka bottle at short notice can be interrupted at any time by the monster you intend to use it against running up and biting your nipples off.

Ordinarily at this point I'd say that over ambition has once again shot the kneecaps off a production as The Adventures of Edward Carnby Serial Arsonist attempts to incorporate combat, driving, puzzles, plus Prince of Persia platforming perplexingly. But I genuinely think that it could have pulled them all off. There was potential for true greatness here that just a little more polish could have brought out, if they hadn't booted it out the door before it could even brush its teeth. Combat would have been tolerable if the camera had been a team player. Driving would have worked if they tightened up the severely broken physics engine, which at one point caused my car to go flying into the skybox after driving too fast over a piece of paper. And I'm not even exaggerating when I say that the fire physics are the best in the entire history of gaming. Seriously! Lean to close to the screen and you're in danger of losing your eyebrows. It could have made a good game fantastic. As it stands, it just makes a bad game pretentious.

As a series, Alone in the Dark has always been about subtly claustrophobic horror, as is sort of implied by the name. But now it makes no sense, because you're not alone and its not even dark cause everything's on fire. I knew Atari were idiots when they let Uwe Boll make a god awful action movie out of the franchise. But I never thought that they were big enough idiots to use that film as inspiration. They've clearly been regarding Grand Theft Auto with envious eyes, hence the sandbox Central Park driving aspect. Which the linear story renders needless until they make you go hunting around looking for the spots where Satan's inferno willies extrude from the ground and then set his pubes alight.

The final straw came when I spent an hour driving laboriously around the park taking care of them all. And then after a brief puzzle sequence thirty more popped up and the game told me I had to take care of them too.

"No." I replied, "No I do not. I reject your stupid fucking arbitrary game play lengthening World of Warcraft grind quests. And I'm sick of putting up with your bullshit! I know you provide the option to skip the next chapter, but I'm not going to use it. I've had enough. If someone serves you a dead dog for lunch you do not stick around for the pudding."
I suppose I should have realized something was up when I saw that the chapter skipping feature was proudly touted on the back of the box. So not only did the developers think that Not having to play the game was a point in its favor, but there were apparently so few other selling points worth mentioning that they put it in the marketing blurb.

So to summarize Alone in the dark in a pithy newspaper headline sort of way, Glimpses of Brilliance Buried in Clipping Issues and Spunk.

Loved this one.

The new music had grown on me by the first time you used 'em.

Oh, and can somebody use Terry and Gonad in, say, a Yahtzee-style webcomic? (Yes, I am aware of the irony)

Great video, I enjoyed watching him shred Alone in the Dark.


Bring back the old music choices. This one just doesn't "Feel" like it belongs here.

The music you've chosen as a replacement doesn't do it for me. I understand that you wanted to stop ripping off copy written work, I'm amazed you did that for as long as you did anyway. However, this replacement doesn't seem at all similar to your previous selection and is really just jarring. Pay for the use of one copy written song and use that instead, at this point there have to be enough viewers for the budget to allow it.

I got my giggles tonight. A Uwe Boll burn AND the fact that the game seemed to take after it. I've been ranting about it for so too long. I'm just glad that Yahtz has the sense not to agree to a motherfucking boxing match with that pleb.

Yeah, the music isn't doing it for me either.

Why do you all care about the music so much?, is that why you watch these videos? to luagh at the 4 seconds of music playing?. I honestly couldn't care about the music, the review is what i watch it for, it was halarious, so im totally happy. Yet people still moan about the music as if its ruined the entire video, you people need to shut up and realise these arn't music videos. Yeah, it was funny sometimes, when he played "when i got high" on the haze review and all that, but if he didn't, i honestly couldn't give a flying ****. Stop moaning about the intro.

Hmm I think I know what rubbed me the wrong way about your last video... and this one too. You're not talking as fast as you used to. Your first few episodes were almost to fast to actually understand what you were saying, and the episodes leading up to this one gradually slowed down. You seem to be talking in an almost normal way. Part of what I personally love about your reviews are how fast you talk (and I mean, isn't that what you're supposed to do anyway? It is called zero punctuation after all...).

It was still a good review, and it was pretty funny anyway, but I don't suppose that a speed up to the old level zero punctuation might be possible?

And yeah, the new music is growing on me. Doesn't mean I still don't miss the old intro though haha.

EDIT: Go and listen to a video that isn't this one, or the lego Indiana Jones one, and you'll see that he *has* slowed down considerably.

I do kinda miss the old days of ripping off random music copyrights, but the new intro is cool too and so is the music. Terry and Gonad! I want a Terry and Gonad T-shirt!

Is he really gay? Somehow I doubt it. El oh el.

EDIT: Um, go back and listen to the Heavenly sword video again, he talks about 1/4 the speed he talks now.

Very funny review Yahtzee, very funny. I enjoyed it alot.

But I also enjoyed AITD, probably the main reason was because of the fire. I mean, who doesn't love grabbing a baseball bat, sticking it into the flames and wacking a monster with it? Though your right about one thing, HOW COME THERE IS SO MUCH BLOODY WHISKEY IN THE GAME?!?! Does it mean that New York has a drinking problem?!

Also, I always like the "Puzzles", if you will, in the game. E.G. A Root of Evil (Those pubic hairs that Yahtzee was on about) is atop a huge cliff. It needs to be set on fire somehow. Now I can't throw a bottle at it then shoot it in the air that high, so I need to think of something else. I see these Spiders that go up and down a power cable that is hanging from the root. So I grab a hankerchief, put it in a plastic explosive bottle, put sticky tape on the bottle then light it with my lighter and throw it on the spider. The bottle sticks to the spider, it goes up, bomb goes boom, root dies, I get a couple points of spectral vision.

Also, I dunno Yahtzee, are you any good at games? Getting attacked while on the Item selection screen? Hell alot of the time, I just ran a bit back and went down to get stuff ready, and god i felt like it was Bioshock. The monsters seem to hesitate, waiting to see what I would do. After about 30 seconds of tinkering I got back into it, and the monsters were closer, but weren't really in attacking mode. Maybe you were playing some "OMG Absolutely Rediculously Stupidly Insane" mode that I wasn't aware of. Well maybe you could tell me where it was, because I want the challenge you were having.

My one gripe about your point on the matter, was the fact that you "poo-pooed" on the Skip Chapter thing completely the wrong way. You didn't like it because it was... well there. It sounded like you didn't like it because it was the icing on the cake that made it look like a bad game. Maybe i percieved your views wrong, in that case, please explain your hatred towards the skip sequence. My gripe was that I lost everything. Yes I lost everything, my upgraded gun, all my liquor (NOOO MY WHISKEY!!!), my ammo, my batteries for the flashlight, and most importantly my med-spray. Those things aren't easy to come by ya know!!! My only gripe, but hey, if I'm stuck, its the price I pay.

I will admit, the girl was a useless tool, and I didn't really feel for her. (Awaits for people to make various sexual jokes about that last sentence.) But she had some minor parts that she was useful, like her following me and putting her between me and monster saved me countless times.

But what won me over on this game was that it was the first Adventure game to actually use First Person effectively. I mean, I played a heap of the game in First Person because it was usually more effective than 3rd person.

I haven't read any reviews of this game either, and i liked it, quite alot. Not GOTY material, some minor bugs, some stupid AI and it not being really creepy. But the story was interesting, and the rips coming through the walls was pretty good, and the McGyver element was great.

If i were to give it a socre, I'd give it a 7.


I watched the Colbert Report an hour ago and they replaced his normal intro music with Rush, because they were tonight's guests. "That doesn't go together at all," I thought. "Oh! That reminds me! There's a new Zero Punctuation out!"

Seriously, I don't hate the music this week as much as I did last week, so that's improvement, I guess. I still miss the extra two jokes per episode, though.

Oh! And the Futurama reference at the very beginning was awesome. So, I guess that's one missing joke made up for.

The music isn't bad, it's just...average. I wish it was as catchy as the Angry Video Game Nerd's theme. That's a song I can listen to over and over and keep enjoying it (especially the full version).

Is it just me, or does Yahtzee look like a young Adam Savage?


Knight Templar:
Music's grown on me!

thats because you are a dick sucker who thinks his mouth is his ears and therefore constantly have dicks in your ear holes, thats why the music is growing on you!

If I wanted to listen to Linkin Park I would go see my 13 year old brother to borrow the CD's, either that or I would just download them because us 'fans' respect the bands we love so much by buying their material ey? I kind of went off the track with this didnt I?

Oh yes, you suck dicks

What was that for? Also, I like Linkin Park. Dunno why, just sounds good is all.

Yahtzee probably wont read this, but anyway, here goes:

That was a great review. Honestly, the last couple reviews seemed to be on a bit of a downhill slide, but this one was a classic.

About the intro, though: I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I miss the old ones. It's not because I dislike the music, though; it's because now it feels too professional. In the olden dayes, the reviews felt like entertaining public service announcements, full of YouTube charm and veiled compassion for us, the common, video-game-buying public, blah blah blah save the children. Now, however, it seems like your motivation is less "I don't want people unnecessarily traveling through the bowels of hell" and more "I want money because I am part of the Internet Corps of Humo(u)r." It doesn't make the videos either better or worse, but I want to feel fuzzier.

By the way, fooling around with one or two guys in college doesn't make you gay, so stop being so insecure about it.

The music isn't bad, it's just...average. I wish it was as catchy as the Angry Video Game Nerd's theme. That's a song I can listen to over and over and keep enjoying it (especially the full version).

I guess one man's catchy is another man's grating. I dunno - that song grates on my nerves every time I hear it. But to each his own. Good to see another AVGN fan.

Yahtzee probably wont read this, but anyway, here goes:

About the intro, though: I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I miss the old ones. It's not because I dislike the music, though; it's because now it feels too professional. In the olden dayes, the reviews felt like entertaining public service announcements, full of YouTube charm and veiled compassion for us, the common, video-game-buying public, blah blah blah save the children. Now, however, it seems like your motivation is less "I don't want people unnecessarily traveling through the bowels of hell" and more "I want money because I am part of the Internet Corps of Humo(u)r." It doesn't make the videos either better or worse, but I want to feel fuzzier.

It's not to make more money - it's to avoid breaking two copyrights every Wednesday. And plus, the new music is perfectly fine. There is probably a way to still use the old songs and not break copyrights, but it probably involves a lot of paperwork, which is in a way MORE professional and boring. So this way we stay legal, we get some kickin' metal intro every week, and Zero Punctuation doesn't get shut down by Michael Jackson or whoever the hell owns all of the Classic Rock recordings these days.

That was some funny shit, been a while since yahtzees done one as good as this. Terry and Gonad, pure genious.

I still think there should be a fart sound added to that silent review clip.


Dont Listen to these guys about the theme music yahtzee, its bad ass. If it was on an album I would buy it. Anyway the review was good and felt like a real return to form for you. Well done bro.

It seems most people misunderstood the "I'm gay" joke, we're already aware of the man's sexual preferences from the not-so-subtle references in previous reviews, this time Yahtzee hints on the sapient nature of the dark matter(see the imp head?) and thus makes a joke at its expense.
Captain Obvious to the rescue!

The revised intro looks better (than the one in the previous review), I guess there's no returning to the goodness of good ol' copyright infringementness? I still say that the tune could use some improving -- something upbeat would be more appropriate. The current theme smells of "pretentious youth" with a smack of "serious business" and "unfunny" in it.

Anyhoo, this review is definitely among the funnier ones.

Well, its the best review yet since the bioshock one, but for gods sake, get rid of that piece of crap intro and that other piece of crap outro and get back to the music selections already!

I mean, if anyone, a self professed 'games are art hippy' who is also a
critic would instantly see what a horrible downgrade it's been.
I'd honestly prefer pure silence for setting the scene.

Then again, I'm from a generation that didn't need crappy nu-metal to tell us how excited we should be, as we can tell for our own.

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