Zero Punctuation: The Order: 1886 - Steampunk Modern Warfare

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The Order: 1886 - Steampunk Modern Warfare

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews The Order: 1886.

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A cup of cold mung milked from the barren flaps of an elderly sexually frustrated hippo.

The single greatest sentence I have ever heard.

I am going to try and incorporate this into my next set of business cards.

The sad part is that there weren't even THAT many boss battles with the werewolves.

And yet, despite basic universal critical panning, it sold like crazy.

I miss the days when exclusives were more common and were an actual good thing because they let a company focus on providing a cheaper game for a more specific market rather then a hyper expensive game that has to appeal to half the population of earth just to break even.

I must find a way to make the phrase "sexually frustrated hippo" work into my life.

Long time that i heard spunkgargleweewee. But it does sound like palming to the nude pics they already had instead creating or at least searching for new nudes.

While watching The Order 1886 I always remind myself there is always bloodborne

One of the reasons why I wanted a PS4 in the first place. Doubt it'll happen now that both games I wanted aren't even that good.

Killzone Shadows Fall ended up being 'meh', and the Order a glorified cover based shooter that ditched most things that was used during marketing.

While watching The Order 1886 I always remind myself there is always bloodborne

Wait wait wait, so now we have to contend with funkmarbleteehee?

Dear God, Triple A gaming is screwed. XD

The opening gave me terrible flashbacks of being a short-order cook, but others than that, a great review.

It has to actually take effort to iron all the fun and interesting out of a game about steampunk tech and werewolves.

That's a shame. Fingers crossed for Bloodborne and Silent Hills now.

This is exactly why I now loathe my Pisspoor and Xbone... The few games with actual game play suck, and the rest are cut down sequel hook bait. Because I hooked a PS1 and PS2, slso a few dozens dozen of the best games for them. Also nearly dozen other consoles and huge libraries for them... From a neighbour who was willing to sell them and their games dirt cheap cause he wanted booze and drugs...(Sadness for today's society abounds.) I have almost no reason to even give the Pisspoor and xbone a passing glance. The Order 1886 is just insult to injury.

Ryallen:
The sad part is that there weren't even THAT many boss battles with the werewolves.

And two of them (including the final bloody boss) use most of the same animations.

Re-using bosses in a 30 hour adventure like Zelda: SS is bad, but this is just terrible.

I have to be honest... I saw this coming from miles away. I can't be the only person who noticed that each time they released a batch of screenshots of the game, they were virtually indistinguishable from the last batch. It just had no indication of actual gameplay from the very beginning. All well, later this month I can get my hands on Bloodborn... which can't come soon enough. God knows my PS4 has been collecting dust since I got bored of Diablo 3 on there. I bought way too early.

What's that you say? This generation will be the last generation of consoles. It feels like the last generation was the last generation of consoles to me at this point.

Having watched a full playthough of this game I can't but agree with this review. It wasn't even a very good movie, just very pretty.

It does nothing new. Everything is stuff we've all seen before. Also, Sir Galahad is the dumbest protagonist ever.

It's like he's hilariously senile but still magically coherent. And he clearly has no clue about the basics of proving a conspiracy. But here's some basic tips though:

1. Don't burn all the evidence.
2. Share anything you find with people you can trust - LIKE YOUR TEAM (That way they don't have to think you're a bad guy, because you've told them what you know so they'll know when the real badguy says you're bad. In fact bring some trusted friends along - like your whole team of centuries old trained killers?)
3. When magic monster man calls for your arrest ask people to check the wound you just have him. Because no human would still be walking around after getting impaled like that.
4. If you are put on trial - offer the evidence (which you have not set fire too) as proof of your story. The supposed victims magical healing ability is also pretty good proof that he's not human (since only the knights get the magic bloodwater).

Just a few starter tips, free of charge.

And for science we all need to know some very important information regarding the development:
Who was in charge of the dick rendering?
Is it pre-rendered dick, or fully physics enabled and rendered in real time?

Seriously though, best dick I've seen in a game since Farcry 4. Probably because dicks are rare in games, outside of Skyrim modding, so I say good on you if you are a developer brave enough to free the willy. Sometimes the dick needs to flop freely.

Ah, yes, the blood bath that was Furcon 1886.

Is anyone surprised? Not that Yahtzee didn't like it, that's a given. But that The Order was crap? Did anyone truly, honestly, think otherwise? That this one single brown third-person shooter from a AAA dev would be the one to break the mold of the brown third-person shooters and save this industry?

Does anyone else think that Galahad in the review looks like Angry Joe?

I found his speculation after the credits that 'lycanthrope' was the PC term perfered by werewolves very amusing

So the whole thing about the game being 30FPS because it's "more cinematic" (close to 24FPS) is just PR for "the console can't run the game at 60FPS", right? No one could actually be that stupid... right?

Link Satonaka:
So the whole thing about the game being 30FPS because it's "more cinematic" (close to 24FPS) is just PR for "the console can't run the game at 60FPS", right? No one could actually be that stupid... right?

I'm pretty sure most console peeps will interpret 30 fps to 30 first person shooters already out on the console.

Also...loving the literary gems. Keep being bitter Mr. Croshaw, at least the AAA industry is giving us that entertainment.

Roughly tallies up with what I've seen from basically every review outlet. Its just not worth it as is.

Damn it. I kinda want a PS4 but am being given precisely zero reasons to want to buy one. I want to play GTAV but it doesn't seem worth buying an entire new console for (I know I can get it on PS3 but I might as well wait for the better version because eventually I'll pick up the new console), I wanted Assassin's Creed: Unity to be good and it wasn't, I wanted to see Watch Dogs turn out to look amazing on the new consoles and by all accounts its fairly bleh. And now The Order 1886 has pretty much bungled it by being short and dull.

I mean what's the future got? Final Fantasy Type-0 looks good but its just a HD remake of a PSP game. Final Fantasy XV I'm dubious of after how dull the gameplay of XIII was and the disaster that was the initial release of XIV. I can't even get excited about Metal Gear Solid V for some reason, and I was always a total MGS fanatic.

As Yahtzee himself once put it, an annoying waste of potential. So much they could have done with the setting, and somehow they still managed to make it bland, boring, and short. So many things they could have done with it and instead it's just been pared down to this samey, forgettable mess.

Lightspeaker:
Roughly tallies up with what I've seen from basically every review outlet. Its just not worth it as is.

Damn it. I kinda want a PS4 but am being given precisely zero reasons to want to buy one. I want to play GTAV but it doesn't seem worth buying an entire new console for (I know I can get it on PS3 but I might as well wait for the better version because eventually I'll pick up the new console), I wanted Assassin's Creed: Unity to be good and it wasn't, I wanted to see Watch Dogs turn out to look amazing on the new consoles and by all accounts its fairly bleh. And now The Order 1886 has pretty much bungled it by being short and dull.

I mean what's the future got? Final Fantasy Type-0 looks good but its just a HD remake of a PSP game. Final Fantasy XV I'm dubious of after how dull the gameplay of XIII was and the disaster that was the initial release of XIV. I can't even get excited about Metal Gear Solid V for some reason, and I was always a total MGS fanatic.

Bloodborne?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9kAbFa78kA
Bloodborne.

Piecewise:
And yet, despite basic universal critical panning, it sold like crazy.

I miss the days when exclusives were more common and were an actual good thing because they let a company focus on providing a cheaper game for a more specific market rather then a hyper expensive game that has to appeal to half the population of earth just to break even.

I have yet to see evidence it "sold like crazy."

All I've seen is that it sold better than Evolve - another massive disappointment. Which means it didn't sell well - it tricked people into preordering well. When actual numbers come in we'll see if they met Sony's projections.

The game is harping a lot more Gears of War and The Last of Us than Modern Warfare. Although I do understand the comparison.

As a fan of third person shooters, I knew this game would have a lot of problems since it was first announced. But I was still curious to see how bad it really was. I decided to play it for myself and see what was up.

The setting and concept are interesting, the art style is legitimately good. The gameplay, while basic, is a pretty firm foundation to build something decent on top of. The problem, like Yahtzee mentioned, is that the game is plagued with symptoms of being chopped up and pieced together with a completely schizophrenic direction.

The gameplay itself is functional, and can be pretty challenging at times. With an arsenal of punchy and loud weapons, it's pretty satisfying to get those kills. Yet, the game struggles to really elevate itself to a status of being a lot of fun to play, and remains at "Eh, sure I guess" most of the time.

For the most part, the levels are tiny. And pointlessly so, since later levels suddenly become pretty massive.

Gears of War usually presents large and open areas with enemies in many directions throughout most of the game. Which leaves you lots of options for movement, and also same for the enemies. This becomes super important on higher difficulties. And also occasional unique setpieces that require some thought to overcome.

Uncharted is unique due to the emphasis and freedom of movement. You frequently encounter wildly different scenarios from massive gunfights in open areas with tons of elevation, to tightly scripted setpiece events.

Max Payne 3 also has a large variety in its levels. Constantly changing from tight corridors, to large rooms full of obstacles and blind corners, to shooting galleries with enemies coming from several elevations, and huge open areas with enemies coming from many different angles.

The Order, however, presents many of it's gunfights in linear corridors, or small enclosed areas. Very little room for ambushing, flanking, and pushing. It takes the most basic level designs that third-person shooters have to offer.

Even with it's own tools, The Order just doesn't do enough with them. Lycans aside, if the game insists on forcing you to battle with human enemies, it could do a much better job of it, if it presented you with better arenas to fight in, and more interesting makeup of enemy units.

For example, the coach gunners. Heavily armored enemies who tend to push towards you with ridiculous shotguns that can kill you instantly if you aren't in cover.
Then there's thermite gunners. Thermites guns are a legitimately cool idea for a weapon, a weapon that coats whatever you are aiming at with incendiary thermite powder, which you can then ignite. If you stay in one spot with a thermite gunner around (such as, behind cover) you'll be burnt to death.

Seems obvious, right? Put you in an arena with thermite gunners in the rear, and coach gunners rushing at you. Bam. An interesting combat scenario where you can't stay out in the open, and can't stay in cover. And yet as far as I can remember, this just does not happen! And why the hell not? Who knows what RaD was thinking. Focusing way too much on pacing and creating pointless investigation minigames instead of interesting combat scenarios.

And give us MORE LYCAN BATTLES.

Since there's obviously going to be more sequels. There could be hope for this franchise in the future. I just hope RaD gets their act together and actually develops good gameplay instead of pissing about with the unskippable cutscenes and item inspection scenes.

Kindafunny how this game comes out only mere weeks before another steampunk game vaguely similar to The League of Extraordinary Gentleman: Code Name: S.T.E.A.M. Though whereas 1886 is drab, dingy, dull and just another dime-a-dozen shooter with no interest in using its setting to add a bit of gameplay variety, STEAM is a turn-based strategy game with loads of personality and flair with uniqu weapons and an identity.

Anyway, this is what I say: add it to the pile. Every attempt to sell the PS4 and XB1 has thus far been weak. Titanfall, Watch Dogs, Infamous: Second Son, Ryse, Destiny, Evolve, Assassin's Creed: Unity, Sunset Overdrive, Dying Light, etc have been nothing more than tech demos. Not even glorified tech demos, just tech demos they decided to charge us for. All this has only raised the obvious question: what is the point of these new systems? Because clearly nobody, not even the exclusives people, are doing anything that clearly required them. So far it just seems like we're up for more padding before we get to anything worthwhile.

erttheking:
I must find a way to make the phrase "sexually frustrated hippo" work into my life.

Meaning absolutely no disrespect at all and fully intending this as a childish joke... Just whip it out when anyone asks about your mom!

Seriously though, I know nothing of your mother. She may very well be a saint, please do not take offense!

Aiddon:

Anyway, this is what I say: add it to the pile. Every attempt to sell the PS4 and XB1 has thus far been weak. Titanfall, Watch Dogs, Infamous: Second Son, Ryse, Destiny, Evolve, Assassin's Creed: Unity, Sunset Overdrive, Dying Light, etc have been nothing more than tech demos. Not even glorified tech demos, just tech demos they decided to charge us for. All this has only raised the obvious question: what is the point of these new systems? Because clearly nobody, not even the exclusives people, are doing anything that clearly required them. So far it just seems like we're up for more padding before we get to anything worthwhile.

Well there's Dead Rising 3 at least, that was great. Then they up and balls up the PC port which is somewhat disheartening, but oh well.

OT: Wasn't The Order a launch title or a 2014 title that was just delayed to 2015? It seems like even the delays didn't help it much. I sincerely hope Silent Hills turns out to be good, one so the PS4 gets a game worth a damn, and so the series can keep on it's high streak restarted with Silent Hill: Shattered Memories and continued with Silent Hill Downpour.

Come on PS4, at this point the Xbox 360 had Gears of War, Saints Row and Dead Rising.

aegix drakan:
Wait wait wait, so now we have to contend with funkmarbleteehee?

Dear God, Triple A gaming is screwed. XD

Now I want the VGX to set a new category, "Funkmarbleteehee of the year".

Just as well that people realize the money they spent on their consoles for console exclusives could have been saved for a PC.

Piecewise:
And yet, despite basic universal critical panning, it sold like crazy.

I miss the days when exclusives were more common and were an actual good thing because they let a company focus on providing a cheaper game for a more specific market rather then a hyper expensive game that has to appeal to half the population of earth just to break even.

Thanatos2k:

Piecewise:
And yet, despite basic universal critical panning, it sold like crazy.

I miss the days when exclusives were more common and were an actual good thing because they let a company focus on providing a cheaper game for a more specific market rather then a hyper expensive game that has to appeal to half the population of earth just to break even.

I have yet to see evidence it "sold like crazy."

All I've seen is that it sold better than Evolve - another massive disappointment. Which means it didn't sell well - it tricked people into preordering well. When actual numbers come in we'll see if they met Sony's projections.

It toped out the UK sales charts.
But besides evolve nothing came out for consoles Cod:AW, Far cry 4, and GTA:5, and Majora's mask are still on the top 10 list, so it could mean little to nothing.

Oh my, such angst Yahtzee managed to channel into this one.

I guess it just goes to show that the only way you could make a spunkgargleweewee more insultingly pablum to a core gamer is to first take an interesting premise and then shout, "Fooled you! Hah, you thought we were going to do something interesting, but it was just another spunkgargleweewee all along!"

So funkmarbleteehees are basically just spunkegargleweewees that excel at trolling.

Incidentally, Yahtzee, if you ever feel like instilling some sense of hope for modern computer gaming, my advice is to pop over to Twitch and check out some archived streams from Otherside Entertainment, made up of quite a few former Looking Glass talent, as these old hands seem to remember what good games are supposed to be, and thank God somebody does.

Evonisia:

Aiddon:

Anyway, this is what I say: add it to the pile. Every attempt to sell the PS4 and XB1 has thus far been weak. Titanfall, Watch Dogs, Infamous: Second Son, Ryse, Destiny, Evolve, Assassin's Creed: Unity, Sunset Overdrive, Dying Light, etc have been nothing more than tech demos. Not even glorified tech demos, just tech demos they decided to charge us for. All this has only raised the obvious question: what is the point of these new systems? Because clearly nobody, not even the exclusives people, are doing anything that clearly required them. So far it just seems like we're up for more padding before we get to anything worthwhile.

Well there's Dead Rising 3 at least, that was great. Then they up and balls up the PC port which is somewhat disheartening, but oh well.

And this is where we have to bring up the addendum: even the games that are functionally okay like Titanfall, Sunset Overdrive, and Dead Rising 3 still aren't showing anything that couldn't have been done on the PS3 and 360. They're shinier and that's it.

OT: Wasn't The Order a launch title or a 2014 title that was just delayed to 2015? It seems like even the delays didn't help it much. I sincerely hope Silent Hills turns out to be good, one so the PS4 gets a game worth a damn, and so the series can keep on it's high streak restarted with Silent Hill: Shattered Memories and continued with Silent Hill Downpour.

It's latter-day Kojima so don't get your hopes up. The coming year's release just looks like more doldrums. It seems that the beta periods of consoles are only going to get longer. Best get used to it.

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