Zero Punctuation: Alone in the Dark: Illumination - Like Left 4 Dead But...

 Pages 1 2 NEXT
 

Alone in the Dark: Illumination - Like Left 4 Dead But...

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Alone in the Dark: Illumination.

Watch Video

Well that got crucified along with some other games. During the post E3 weeks there's very little there so at lest this was a nice catharsis.

Shame to hear that this game is a steaming pile of shit. And unlike the game before it, it has no redeeming qualities. Made for a hilarious review though.

You know I'm actually disappointed that only about half the level names are alliterative. It's like they half-hearted that as much as they did the rest of the game.

Here let me finish that for you:

Creepy Crypt
Placid Pond
Quiet Quarry
Gruesome Graveyard, erm.. with trains.

Somebody needs to put Atari down and strip the carcass for worthwhile IP's.

Krantos:
You know I'm actually disappointed that only about half the level names are alliterative. It's like they half-hearted that as much as they did the rest of the game.

Here let me finish that for you:

Creepy Crypt
Placid Pond
Quiet Quarry
Gruesome Graveyard, erm.. with trains.

Have you been reading Snicket? It sounds like you have!

So in another word, they should give up on the frachise and let it rest in peace given to its released like a b rated horror movie.

I really don't know why they keep trying to keep Alone in the Dark going. Yes, I know it was the first survival horror, but it was crap. Other games came along and did it better. Why keep trying to sell games on the back of nostalgia for something that sucked in the first place?

Oh, wait. Internet. Forget I said anything.

Atari are just renting out their IPs to first time studios, aren't they? So this would be the result of whoring off the remains of the carcass to blind, one-legged baby vultures.

Well that certainly was funny and destructive.
But not quite as damning as the conclusion of the German magazine gamestar.

I quote (and translate I guess): Worse than the Uwe Boll movie.

That is a sentence you think you will never hear in your lifetime.

The White Hunter:
Somebody needs to put Atari down and strip the carcass for worthwhile IP's.

Again? I mean, that's basically what's happened over the years. Atari just goes "bankrupt" regularly, gets bought up by someone else who then does whatever the hell they want with the IPs.

It's "weird" that I find the names of the levels more interesting than anything else in that game... I bet the one[s] who worked on titling the levels was not the same person[/people] who worked on the game's story...

Other than that, I wonder if the next game would fuck up the "in the" part of the title Alone in the Dark... and how because I don't have a cat...

Sledgimus:
I really don't know why they keep trying to keep Alone in the Dark going. Yes, I know it was the first survival horror, but it was crap. Other games came along and did it better. Why keep trying to sell games on the back of nostalgia for something that sucked in the first place?

Well...as survival horror it wasn't very good, no, but then survival horror wasn't a thing back then. I think of it more as a puzzle solving game that just happens to be set in a haunted house with monsters.

Never finished the original (kept falling down when the bridge collapsed or whatever it was), but the only scary bits I remember was in the demo at the very beginning where you have to block things to stop monsters coming up. Otherwisse, eh.

So this was basically a full-length commercial of his new show where he just makes fun of titles and game cover-art. Not complaining, but its like pre-Top 5 Lisa Foiles making a video where she just lists the Top 5 reasons Batman Arkham Knight sucks.

UberThetan:

The White Hunter:
Somebody needs to put Atari down and strip the carcass for worthwhile IP's.

Again? I mean, that's basically what's happened over the years. Atari just goes "bankrupt" regularly, gets bought up by someone else who then does whatever the hell they want with the IPs.

Hey Valve, you know that massive pile of money you've been sitting on since like ten years ago? I think I know what you can do with it!

Sledgimus:
I really don't know why they keep trying to keep Alone in the Dark going. Yes, I know it was the first survival horror, but it was crap. Other games came along and did it better. Why keep trying to sell games on the back of nostalgia for something that sucked in the first place?

Oh, wait. Internet. Forget I said anything.

Your sources are probably wrong because the original was and is awesome. Other games that came along just took the idea and added action. And then some more action. And then even more action. And they still keep doing that with each new game.

Krantos:
You know I'm actually disappointed that only about half the level names are alliterative. It's like they half-hearted that as much as they did the rest of the game.

Here let me finish that for you:

Creepy Crypt
Placid Pond
Quiet Quarry
Gruesome Graveyard, erm.. with trains.

This has all the makings of a good 'Smiths'-song.

Victim of Progress:
Shame to hear that this game is a steaming pile of shit. And unlike the game before it, it has no redeeming qualities. Made for a hilarious review though.

Well, it made for a hilarious review. That's a redeeming quality.

...

Right?

I'm surprised he didn't say that Alone in the Dark outright stole that "light harms monsters" bit from that other survival horror game. The one with the author in the small town in the forest who wouldn't shut up with the narration.
Alan something-or-other.

That's exactly what bugs me about this Nosgoth game that Square-Enix is coming out with. It's just briefly touched upon by them, like they have no faith in it because they know exactly what it is and exactly what fans of that series would want out of it, but they go the easy shooter multiplayer route with it instead because that's what sells games these days. Fuck the loyal audience.

Alone in the Dark wasn't exactly the Legacy of Kain series, but it deserved better treatment that this.

The White Hunter:
Somebody needs to put Atari down and strip the carcass for worthwhile IP's.

It makes me wish that there was a Social Services for games, where companies who neglect or beat their IPs with the shitty rehash stick (like say, Rare) got them taken away and they're placed with a foster studio. I guess the only alternative is to fund kickstarter games that are homages/rip-offs of them, cause someone would be willing to mod the game after launch to replace the one robot guy with the other robot guy, or a lizard and bat with a bear and bird.

The bit with the priest reminds me how my Pure Mortal monster hunter character feels in my current Dresden Files RPG game. He's the only nonmagic user and routinely kicks more ass in combat that anyone else. Even fighting a pair or Rakshasa and a sorcerer by himself and winning.

Somehow this review sounded more like one for a bad Darkness game, or at least the multiplayer side-missions from Darkness 2, rather than a bad Alone in the Dark game.

slo:
Your sources are probably wrong because the original was and is awesome.

What? I didn't have sneaky meetings with videogame insiders in underground parking garages. I don't have "sources" that told me Alone in the Dark was crap. It's crap. It was a crap offshoot of the point and click adventure genre (the world's worst videogame genre) which other companies improved on by adding some gameplay and puzzles that were slightly less insane.

Who is Team Hollywood?

Krantos:

Gruesome Graveyard, erm.. with trains.

Let me help you: Boxcar Boneyard.

P.S. Thanks

Seems like Yahtzee has been talking slower and slower in these videos.

Sledgimus:
I really don't know why they keep trying to keep Alone in the Dark going. Yes, I know it was the first survival horror, but it was crap. Other games came along and did it better. Why keep trying to sell games on the back of nostalgia for something that sucked in the first place?

Oh, wait. Internet. Forget I said anything.

Fable II will always be the best survival horror game. If your character can die in it, then it's not a survival game

Zacharious-khan:
Who is Team Hollywood?

yeah what's going on here? Doesn't have anything to do with cs'ing shadows does it?

Toowong Station at 1 in the morning? That's a local joke and I get it! Wheee!

Is Toowong really that bad at night? Can't be as bad as Fortitude Valley...

Steve the Pocket:

UberThetan:

The White Hunter:
Somebody needs to put Atari down and strip the carcass for worthwhile IP's.

Again? I mean, that's basically what's happened over the years. Atari just goes "bankrupt" regularly, gets bought up by someone else who then does whatever the hell they want with the IPs.

Hey Valve, you know that massive pile of money you've been sitting on since like ten years ago? I think I know what you can do with it!

Even if they buy the IP tomorrow and start working on a new game immediately, we won't see a new game for at least 10 years.

luckycharms8282:
Seems like Yahtzee has been talking slower and slower in these videos.

right? i can actually hear the punctuation. it's false advertisement anymore.

I found Final Facility 7 to be highly overrated and personally believe that the series peaked with Final Facility 9...

Covarr:

Krantos:

Gruesome Graveyard, erm.. with trains.

Let me help you: Boxcar Boneyard.

P.S. Thanks

NICE! Much better.

Toowong Station? I used to live in Toowong! I guess that really was Yahtzee when I saw a guy wearing a Mana Bar shirt at the station that one time.

 Pages 1 2 NEXT

Reply to Thread

Posting on this forum is disabled.