Tyra Banks Fancies Herself the Next J.R.R. Tolkien

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Tyra Banks Fancies Herself the Next J.R.R. Tolkien

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Tyra Banks is getting into the fantasy novel game with a series all about models. Magical models!

When I think of fantasy authors, the last person that comes to mind is Tyra Banks. Time to turn that smile upside down, as Banks recently announced that she'll be penning a trilogy of fantasy novels taking place in a magical world known only as Modelland.

First of all, those double letter "L's" bother me to no end, so she's already starting off on a bad foot. She seriously wrote on her blog to clarify that the title is "pronounced 'Model Land.'" If you'll excuse me, I have to go explode with rage, reconstitute, and repeat until the end of time.

Details are currently sparse, but Modelland (remember, it's pronounced "Model Land") is a make-believe place where, according to Tyra, "every girl in the world wants to go." The mystical power-wielding Intoxibellas are trained there, which by my best guess are drunk models that do card tricks.

The trilogy will follow a teenage girl and her teenage friends that get transported to Modelland ("Model Land") even though they're not supposed to be there. Can you imagine the shenanigans that may occur in this type of situation? I can: girl that isn't supposed to become an Intoxibella becomes one anyway after lots of hardship and finally gets back at a particular nemesis that was a perpetual thorn in her side and shows the entirety of Modelland ("Model Land") that anything is possible, the end. Then Tyra reveals that it's all an allegory for her own life.

Basically, Tyra Banks wants to write the next Lord of the Rings. More specifically, the next Harry Potter, which by early information seems to be what Banks is ripping off here, but with the addition of models. If Modelland ("Model Land") becomes a movie someday, I promise I will hurt one million children. Actually, never mind, the books will probably do that all on their own.

Via: Boing Boing

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I've always known Tyra Banks was F--king crazy, here's the solid proof.

She's trying to rip off a children's book series with a story about MODELS? Why would every girl want to go to "Modelland" (about as inspired a name as "unobtanium")? What happens there? Vomiting after meals, surgery, and getting raped would be my best guess.

Tom Goldman:
If Modelland ("Model Land") becomes a movie someday, I promise I will hurt one million children. Actually, never mind, the books will probably do that all on their own.

Lol, I normally don't like Bias in news reporters, but frankly I can live with it this time!

I... what?

This...

My brain...

...OW!

Well your title of the article already blew my mind into little tiny bits of oblivion.

And then I got to;

Tyra Banks is getting into the fantasy novel game with a series all about models.

And urgent shutdown of this brain-system was needed. Restarting in safe mode when I feel the world of gaming isn't becoming more and more frightening.

Hahaha, What the fuck, Modelland? Really? Teenage girl, Sure not been done before in (Every other recent film) Nope, Not at all.

I...don't know what to say. Good Luck?

I wish for the spirit of Tolkien to take physical form and beat the shit out of you, miss Banks.

And that's me being nice.

...Modelland? Seriously? If this turns out to be a good series I will buy a hat and then eat it. And then regurgitate it, and eat it again. And then cry.

One moment while I wiki Tyra Banks.

Yeah, that didn't help at all. While I see no reason why she couldn't be an author, I equally see no reason why she could.

I'll reserve judgement, and just not read the book when it's out.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

*puffs*

...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Quite the hilarity. Christ she's ugly, though.

Whats this I don't even....

Good God, what have we created!?

I nearly died when I read this. You outdid yourself with that one Mr.Goldman. Freakin' hysterical.

At the risk of basically double posting, every time I try to read this article, I start twitching and then wake up someplace completely different covered in blood.

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What could possibly go wrong?

Please kill me now. Why...???? Tyra Banks writing a novel; that's not happening. More than likely, she will get a ghost writer to do it and put her name on it.

Bah har har har *rolls around the floor laughing for ten minutes*

I'd buy the book, if only to see if she can author anything decent. If it's good, yay Ms Banks, if not, kindling for the fire place.

We need to figure out who summoned her to this plane and undo the blood sacrifices that allowed this devil to take physical form and banish her back to the hellish plane that is her (its?) homeworld.
Who is with me?

No mistake the books going to be crap, but she'll probably ride the Stephanie Meyer wave, poorly written, but written so that pre-teens are able to read it, there are lots of those in the world so she'll earn lots on books. And finally someone will be willing to make a movie out of it so those pre-teens are able to go watch it and make it be one of the fastest selling movies...just saying

MelasZepheos:
One moment while I wiki Tyra Banks.

Yeah, that didn't help at all. While I see no reason why she couldn't be an author, I equally see no reason why she could.

I'll reserve judgement, and just not read the book when it's out.

Reasons why she couldn't? Well, as far as I know, she's bitchy, shallow, and shouty.

Oh, and also a lizard;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DP4PrnxcM2A

This is going to be another hype, isn't it...

Starke:
I... what?

This...

My brain...

...OW!

My thoughts exactly.

Oh, God, this is just like Stephanie Meyer considering herself better than Shakespeare and other classically great writers. What kind of person wants to read about vain, vapid, arrogant asshats who think that their profession actually has some kind of mysticism and requires some philosophy and sophistication, from the little I've seen of ANTM? News flash: Your entire job is to wear clothes and look pretty. We are fast approaching an age where a digital construct can do their exact jobs, without the drama queen bullshit that I'm sure their bosses have to go through.

just...

NO

just NO.

excuse me while i flip to the moon and back to unpurplex my mind.

this BAFFLEZ ZE MIND.

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Chicken: Say whaaaaat?

No, seriously. I don't get it. Why would anyone want this thing? Why would whats-her-name want to write this thing? Who is whats-her-name, and can she write? Why would children want to read this thing? Why would adults want to read this thing? Why would paperweights want to be placed upon this thing? I'm sorry, but this announcement only fills me with questions, not answers.

Also, last but not least: WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?

MODELLAND PLOT SUMMARY:

Three girls are transported to a land that is filled with only beautiful women.
The three girls, all very average, begin to fell self-conscious and develop eating disorders.
They later take up drugs and begin prostituting themselves to make ends meet.

By Tyra Banks

And on the back of her book:
SEE WHAT THE CRITICS SAY!

"What the fuck? Really? REALLY?"
-Gene Hackman

"I guarantee that this book will in one way or another cause the suicide of an insecure teenage girl."
-Roger Ebert

teh_pwning_dude:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

*puffs*

...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Quite the hilarity. Christ she's ugly, though.

Indeed. The gap between what the fashion industry thinks is attractive and what real men think is attractive is a vast one.

danpascooch:
Why would every girl want to go to "Modelland" (about as inspired a name as "unobtanium")?

Which is actually a real name, funnily enough. It's a term coined by aerospace engineers in the 50's to refer to "any extremely rare, costly, or physically impossible material". It's a catch all term for things that engineers hypothesize can be possible, but go beyond the realms of currently available material.

OP: Take two dollops of ego and one drop of delusion, and you have this news post. I mean, who other than the most arrogant person could even dream of sinking this low?

It'll probably sell really well too, sadly.

Isn't an event like this one of those things that Communists hold up as proof that capitalism is tearing itself apart?

Because I'd happily take gulags over this.

I think my IQ just dropped by 30 points.

I think...

I think my brain...

I think...

*spurts blood

I'm eagerly antecipating the parody already.

SODAssault:

What could possibly go wrong?

That is the most disturbing gif ive ever seen.

OT: Its a bit late for april fools jokes

Then again it may actually be good. The odds are stacked against her, but it will, at least, sell.

lasherman:
Oh, and also a lizard;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DP4PrnxcM2A

My god, Family Guy being fuckin' hilarious. Two impossible things, one thread. I salute you.

SODAssault:

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What could possibly go wrong?

MY EYES!

again, it BAFFLEZ ZE MIND.

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