Face-Chomping "Vampire" Attacks Geriatric At Hooters

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oh dear, zombi apacolie (and if that isn't plural for apacolypse, spelling not counting here, the english language can suck it because I don't care) wern't enough, now we have vampire apacolie, grab your shotguns and sharpen your wooden stakes my friends this will be a long night.

(also "insert twilight joke here")

Look at those eyes. She's clearly an abuser.

On the other hand, I find it more likely that she read Twilight one time too many (i.e. more than zero).

I think I know what we need:
A: A guy in an orange outfit
B: A whip
C: A radio that plays this song forever


Come, tonight we break into the prison. The night is still young...
OT: Okay, what the hell. First, why would some lady be inclined to bite someone's face, and two, why was Painis Cupcake the first thing that came to mind?

Thyunda:
Her eyes don't match...

So? If she were a vampire, we wouldn't be able to see her eyes because they don't appear in photos. She's just some crazy bitch, or maybe she got high while watching a vampire movie. Who knows, and more importantly, who cares?

Josephine Smith, 22, was arrested today and charged with felony aggravated battery on an elderly person.

Huh. What else.

"I'm a vampire, I am going to eat you," Smith announced.

What the...ooookay, that's the kind of thing I'd expect Vagineer to say in a video by R33MIX or whatever on YouTube...

Ellis, 69, received stitches to close up wounds suffered during the assault [...]

Poor fellow.

[...] which occurred in front of a vacant Hooters in St. Petersburg.

...what?

Ellis, who uses a motorized wheelchair [...]

Uhh...

[...] was asleep when Smith pounced on him [...]

...?!?!??!

[...] commenced biting, and announced that she was a vampire.

Again, totally hearing Vagineer--but in the meanwhile a question features prominently in my mind; why was a 69 year old man in a wheel chair sleeping in front of a vacant Hooters...in St. Petersburg? Definitely need to either read the full story, or rest my head in my hands and wonder what the world is coming to. I think I'll just 'face palm' briefly and move on with my life.

Thyunda:
Her eyes don't match...

She is obviously part Husky...not vampire...

Yeah....see this is what happens when shit hits an epic stage...the crazy leak out.

Also....a vacant Hooters? Then again this is Florida they have beaches if you want T&A for free...

McMullen:
Looks like someone decided to...

*puts on sunglasses*

Take a bit out of crime.

Yeah.

That was my first time doing that. Did I do it right?

You should have said "bite"

All we need now is a story about some big hairy dude, half naked, barking at cars, and howling at the moon.

thats funny, ususally the men attack the women in hooters.

Faeriian:

Thyunda:
Her eyes don't match...

maybe shes malkavian?

Oh GOD! THEIR BACK!!!

imnotparanoid:

Jandau:

FogHornG36:
I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!

Don't you get it, it's video games' fault. Only gaming can make a person THAT violent. She must have played too much Vampire: Bloodlines and Castlevania...

The sick woman!
BAN EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!

SHIT!THE KIDS ARE STILL UNCLEAN!BAN THE PEOPLE!AAAAAAHHH!

Double A:

Thyunda:
Her eyes don't match...

So? If she were a vampire, we wouldn't be able to see her eyes because they don't appear in photos. She's just some crazy bitch, or maybe she got high while watching a vampire movie. Who knows, and more importantly, who cares?

Vampires DO appear in photos...it's mirrors they don't...

Thyunda:
Her eyes don't match...

Hey... that kinda reminds me of the plot of 28 days later for some...

OH CRAP.

(Unrelated, Captcha: WFP opingis.

Thought that just sounded funny...)

Time to channel my inner Phoenix Wright.

An elderly man, Ellis Smith, in a motorized wheelchair is sleeping outside of a vacant Hooters.

---If he's wealthy enough to afford a motorized wheelchair, why was he sleeping outside a Hooters?---

The alleged attacker, Josephine Smith, 22, pounced on Smith, biting his face, and announced that she was a vampire. Smith has no criminal history, while Ellis has had 12 arrests over the past four years.

---A college girl with no criminal history, for no reason, attacks an old man, severely mauling his face with her teeth, and announcing that she is a vampire. First, vampires go for major arteries, like the jugular, the veins in the wrists, or the vein in the inner thigh. While it is true that head wounds tend to bleed a lot, if someone was to snap and believe they were a vampire, and to go so far as to actually attack someone, they would most likely conform to the images of vampires that have been drilled into their head by years of exposure to Hollywood vampires, not turn into some animal that eats peoples faces. That sounds more like a zombie than anything.---

Ellis survived the assault, and managed to get to a nearby gas station, where he phoned the police.

---Somehow, a 69 year old man was able to fight off a 22 year old woman while she was busy ripping his face off with her teeth. He was also able to get to a gas station without her following him. No wheelchair is faster than a running person, just as no elderly man would be able to fight off a young woman in the throes of a presumable bloodlust.---

When police arrived, they found Smith near the scene of the attack covered in blood, without pants, and with her panties around her ankles.

---As was mentioned before, head wounds tend to bleed a lot, which would make the fact that she was covered in blood not much of an issue. However, the fact that she had her panties around her ankles is rather suspect, as is the fact that her pants were simply gone.---

There were no witnesses. Smith was unable to explain the attack or why she was partly au naturel.

---And here's the clincher. Smith allegedly announced that she was a vampire while she was attacking Ellis, but was unable to give a reason for the attack when the police questioned her. Presumably the police arrived not long after Ellis phoned it in, which means if there were any drugs in her system that would have made Smith delusional and aggressive, they would have still been in her system. Instead, she is confused and has no explanation for her alleged actions. Since there were no witnesses, there is no way for anyone to dispute Ellis' claims.---

Conclusion: It is my opinion that Ellis was the one who attacked Smith, drugging her and probably molesting her, if not outright raping her. Just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he's not still functional. Smith, realizing what was happening, fought back against her attacker. Ellis fought her off, which would have been easy because of her drugged state, and motored over to the gas station, calling in a fake attack, with a bit of vampirism thrown into his story, to make the police think they were dealing with a run-of-the-mill druggie, and discount anything she might say as delirium or an attempt to switch the blame onto Ellis.

CynderBloc:

Understandably curious about this whole thing, the officers questioned Smith, but she was unable to explain the attack or why she was partially au naturel.

Smith is a 22-year-old college student with no apparent criminal history. Ellis has been described by police as "a transient" who has 12 arrests over the last four years for things like disorderly intoxication and battery.

This screams seedy wheelchair bound guy drugging young woman for sleazy purposes, drugged young woman through her stupor semi-conciously realises what is happening, fights back, collapses and forgets due to aforementioned drugs. Seedy guy then goes to phone and makes up any story he likes, vampires are the 'in' thing for young women, right?

I refuse to believe that on the evidence presented this is anything but what I've just deduced

Good reasoning, but its a handicapped man, there fore he would need help of some type getting clothing back on. If he was, however, not handicapped, he is still old, so getting undressed and redressed takes time, and if your story is to be correct, he would have been finished clothing himself long before the woman woke up. So no bite could have occurred because he was ALREADY finished. The fact that he was in a wheel chair doesn't help because a young woman could easily out-stroll the gentlemen easily.
It occurred at a Hooters, so its possible the gal was a hooker *not saying that she IS* and could have taken a substance after removing her underwear, placing around the guys leg. Which would take her to a point of not knowing what was actually happening, therefore opening up the possibility that it was a pervy old man hiring a young gal for services, she takes a substance that clouds her judgement, maybe the man leaned forward for a kiss and instead got a greeting of teeth. If anything, the old mans story is quite clearly put together last second, either to protect the young woman from a arrest that could ruin her future or to cover himself.

*My theory to not being affected by drugs could have been a shock mechanic went into her mind once she tasted human blood. Wether hers or his is not the point. If this is correct, it had to be a less potent dose of it. And in my story, she took the drugs a short time before any act insued, so very possibly she wasn't far enough gone for her body to not realize the taste of blood.*

Either way, the case seems to have evidence that would hold no judge nor jurry for any reason, whatsoever. There needs to be a larger portion of evidence, maybe a polygraph to get a small amount of evidence that would point to a culprit. The old mans record is a very good reason to cover himself from the police by making a story last second to make the young woman seem responsible.

Anyways, thats just what I think went down, doubt its even close to what actually happened.

I don't think she's a vampire, others of her kind would not let her break the Masquerade such.

McMullen:
Looks like someone decided to...

*puts on sunglasses*

Take a bit out of crime.

Yeah.

That was my first time doing that. Did I do it right?

Boom!
That was perfect!

I like how she tries to look all moody, dark and mysterious by lowering her head with a cold glance on the photo.
Unfortunately, there are many more people on this planet who believe they are somehow superior beings. That, my friends, is what happens when you don't deem yourselves interesting enough.

haaxist:
snip

Oh boy, you do like reading a lot into things, don't you? What is your opinon on 9/11, incidentally?

There are several logical flaws and fishy conclusions in your argumentation. Also, considering that she hasn't yet said anything else than "I am a vampire", it seems safe to say she wasn't tricked by the man.

He should have worn a necklace made out of garlic to keep her away.

In all seriousness, I'm not exactly sure what to make of this. The girl's pants were down and the old man was arrested 12 times already. So something must've been up.

Although I can't say for sure. There's still more to the story we don't know about yet.

FogHornG36:
I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!

She tried to suck his blood and kill him. Thus Twilight is innocent here...

I could only imagine the blood of the elderly to not tasting as good as say teenager blood.

*laughing hysterically*
Oh man. You see, when a woman loves another woman...or alcohol is involved...or takes Stephanie Meyer novels too seriously...

Seriously though, it's not necessary to drag this on any further. Stranger things have occurred that people have been able to come up with a rational explanation. If any futher speculation is required just put her out in the sun. Worst case scenario she turns to ash and best case scenario she sparkles.

TheMaddestHatter:
I'm having trouble believing that an old, wheel-chair bound man is going to escape from a young girl eager to literally chew his face off.

Well, she did take a bite out of him... Maybe he tasted a little stale.

You know the part of the story I don't get? Why the hell did she take her pants off?

See, it's things like this that are going to make me stop looking at the news someday. Everything I read these days is either a half-truth or batshit-insane stupid. Or a combination of the two. It's actually getting very, very annoying, and this is coming from someone who LIKES batshit insanity.

McMullen:
Looks like someone decided to...

*puts on sunglasses*

Take a bit out of crime.

Yeah.

That was my first time doing that. Did I do it right?

Hilarious!

But.

*BITE with an E, mon copain.

I don't care who you are, that's creepy...

Before even clicking on this link I saw a pic of the Count and thought he was in this. I am utterly dissapointed.

You know what? To me this looks suspiciously like some creepy old bastard's decided to try his hand at sexual assault and come off second best. Do we only have his word that the girl claimed to be a vampire?

Well that is... Surreal? My mind has been blown.

Xan Krieger:

FogHornG36:
I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!

damn I got ninja'd, I was gonna say almost the exact same thing. For my slowness I blame Final Fantasy X as I can't stop grinding levels right now.

you should blame Final Fantasy VIII, I mean, to even HOPE to be decent near the end, you need to have 99 of each magic thing.

only way to get them? use Draw on enemies in battle, which takes a combat turn and leaves you open for attack.

They are also the only way to buff your items and characters stats.

I myself blame That Guy With The Glasses, more specifically The Spoony One for having an entire 15+ minute video on how exactly boring it is to draw magic form enemies.

This derail brought to you by WOLOLOLOLO, for when you absolutely need that last market.

OT: What the hell people.......

I got nothing else.

well, maybe a flat what, but that is it.

McMullen:
Looks like someone decided to...

*puts on sunglasses*

Take a bite out of crime.

Yeah.

That was my first time doing that. Did I do it right?

it should've been bite actually.

"I'm a vampire, I'm going to eat you!" Such eloquence can only be reserved for the mightiest of poets!

I wonder if this case has any relation to the guy in texas who claimed to be a vampire as he broke into a woman's house... Perhaps... Dear god! Perhaps the woman was vacationing on texas, and the infection spread to her as she was attacked! Now that she moved to florida the infection will spread there!

EVERYONE WATCH OUT FOR A OLD VAMPIRE IN A WHEELCHAIR!

I figured Twilight would be decried as the culprit here, so I am taking a different side; although it is entirely possible that her actions were influenced by that strangely popular vampire nonsense thing, this incident mostly stemmed from some mental instability. It was pure chance, I'm betting, that this problem of hers manifested as a vampire thing.

Thyunda:

Double A:

Thyunda:
Her eyes don't match...

So? If she were a vampire, we wouldn't be able to see her eyes because they don't appear in photos. She's just some crazy bitch, or maybe she got high while watching a vampire movie. Who knows, and more importantly, who cares?

Vampires DO appear in photos...it's mirrors they don't...

I thought it was both.

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