Everything you know about a game you've never actually played

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I know every character's name in Game of Thrones, and who they are, what's their relationship to each other, their role in the plot and what happens to them. I've also never watched a single episode of Game of Thrones, or read any of the books.

This is true of any number of games and franchises. Because pop culture tends to rub off of you via osmosis even if you don't consume it, you just end up knowing the gist of every story you've never experienced yourself.

For laughs, list everything you know about a game you've never actually played.

Final Fantasy VII

The names of the party characters: Cloud (amnesiac), Barret (black), Aerith (dies), Tifa (boobs), Vincent (vampire?), Cid (pilot), Yuffie (Kingdom Hearts), Cait Sith (robot?) and XIII (tiger). Bad guy's Sephiroth, shares a past with Cloud and may be a vessel to something called Jenova. He kills Aerith, who for a while was wrongly believed could be resurrected, and Cloud kills Sephiroth. He also dresses in women's clothing at one point.

That is entirely it. Absolutely everything I know about FF7.

Another:

Halo

You're a space marine named John that never removes his helmet and has a sexy blue AI called Cortana as his personal Navi.

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Link has to rescue Zelda from Ganon, or save the world from him. You have a faery called Navi for a sidekick who says Hey Listen! a lot and that used to aggravate people. Along the way you pick up an ocarina and learn songs to play on it for some reason.

Overwatch: There's way too much R34 porn of it, butts and tits, tits and butts, 13 year old boys trying to be Youtube personalities, Koreans, and Hanzo-Main is a middle school insult.

OH and the entire game is non-canonical to itself.

Fortnite

"Zoomers" enjoy playing it.

Final Fantasy VII

You're a boy (?) with crystallised hair and a pizza-paddle for a weapon. For some bizarre reason everyone's fine with that.

Red Dead Redemption

It's a sandbox set in the Old West. In fact, it's so Old that it's set before there were any games on PCs, apparently.

Fortnite
By all accounts, a well balanced, ever changing Battle Royale that has won over hearts and minds everywhere. But PUBG still exists, soooo...

Star Wars Battlefront III

The greatest single game ever devised. An utter triumph for Free Radical Design.

Timesplitters 4

See above.

Bioshock
Probably the true codifier of the 'nothing in this universe happens until you can personally see it from behind an unbreakable glass window' gameplay that Half-Life started.

Hell let Loose, Day of Infamy, Battalion 1944

Battlefield 1942, but with most or all of the vehicles gone, so what's even the point.

Bully

Probably something I'd enjoy immensely, tbh.

Final Fantasy VIII

Squall is a man without emotion, there's a girl who likes trains a lot, everyone is from the same orphanage and that's a big twist for reasons, something something time compression, the actual leveling system is broken and can make the game harder so everyone just junctions.

Fortnite

Started out as a Horde Mode game with Cartoony graphics. PUBG kicked off battle royale, Fortnite quickly ate PUBG's lunch(granted, PUBG getting pissy about the whole thing doesn't make me feel bad for them) and then it became a big dressup/dance game.

Legend of Zelda: Majoras Mask

Link is in a parallel dimension to Hyrule and in 3 days the moon is going to crash and kill everyone, at which point the clock resets and everything is undone. You have to keep replaying this 3 day cycle including several dungeons and bosses to finally keep the moon from killing everyone. Somehow this is actually really good and not super frustrating, so I'm guessing you don't lose all the progress you've made and there's some carry-over between loops. Also, you have masks which turn you into various monsters, which helps you in certain areas.

Bravely Default

It's like an oldschool FF game. Also, there's a big twist, apparently foreshadowed in plain sight from the beginning but not obvious.

Gears of War

Theres a bunch of big, hunky dudes and a lady half their size(mostly due to how big the dudes are) called gears who fight space monsters called locusts. It's apparently really good for a 3rd person cover based shooter, or so some of my friends tell me.

Deadly Premonition

It's a Japanese take on Twin Peaks, so it's weird but a different kind of weird. Also, apparently it's kind of clunky as far as mechanics go(like being able to run out of gas while driving around).

Killer 7

It's a really weird shooter action type game. You're an assassin but also 7 assassins, Apparently. It's less known for being particularly good and more about just being really weirdly unique.

Devil May Cry 5: There's a guy who's dead weight, and another guy who throws hats at everything.

Halo:

The might of whatever military the Spartans are a part of are apparently enough, with correct leadership, to beat back the Covenant eventually. Yet putting down an internal rebellion required the highly unethical mad science to create the Spartans.

leet_x1337:
Devil May Cry 5: There's a guy who's dead weight, and another guy who throws hats at everything.

I think that's Team Fortress 2.

DMC:

It's an attempted reboot of a franchise I like that tries to be more 'grounded' by having the demon world overlaid onto the human world and most humans are unable to see it or the demons. Demon King Mundus now disguises himself as a corrupt corporate CEO ruling the world, and one of his demons is a parody of blowhard media pundits. The 'new' Dante has black hair and a really foul mouth and most people don't like him. Vergil is your ally for most of the game and turns on you at the very end.

Pokemon Black and White:

Team Plasma is a parody of PETA, trying to force segregation between Pokemon and humans. Their spokesman, N, legitimately wants to do some good in the world and is even pure-hearted enough to get his own Legendary, but everyone else on his team are actually evil jerks as usual. The real leader of team Plasma gets a gospel chorus for his battle and is one of the hardest battles in the entire franchise.

The new call of duty game is the same as the previous call of duty game but with a different Skin

leet_x1337:
Devil May Cry 5: There's a guy who's dead weight, and another guy who throws hats at everything.

Don't forget about the edgy, goth guy with a pimp cane, talking bird, and a black panther. Who quotes poetry from William Blake.

WhiteFangofWhoa:
DMC:

It's an attempted reboot of a franchise I like that tries to be more 'grounded' by having the demon world overlaid onto the human world and most humans are unable to see it or the demons. Demon King Mundus now disguises himself as a corrupt corporate CEO ruling the world, and one of his demons is a parody of blowhard media pundits. The 'new' Dante has black hair and a really foul mouth and most people don't like him. Vergil is your ally for most of the game and turns on you at the very end

.

You meant to write out DmC. DMC refers to the original continuity.

Resident Evil 3: Nemesis

It's RE2 but with Jill and Nemesis, who goes "Stars" and chases you through the game.

Metal Gear Solid

You play as Snake, who is either a clone, the son or some kind of homunculus taken from another guy called Snake, whom you kill in the MSX game and then reappears in the second one but then turns out there was a Snake and a double also called Snake.

Pokemon Sword/Shield

There's more Pokemon.

Johnny Novgorod:

Metal Gear Solid

You play as Snake, who is either a clone, the son or some kind of homunculus taken from another guy called Snake, whom you kill in the MSX game and then reappears in the second one but then turns out there was a Snake and a double also called Snake.

That's honestly not a bad description. I'm only surprised that you didn't mention "NANOMACHINES!" and the fact almost all the bosses are essentially comic book villains.

Resident Evil 6 - HAMMER THE BUTTONS AND WIGGLE THE STICKS!!! Also, Umbrella is alive for some reason and the game goes full Micheal Bay.

Resident Evil 7 - Rednecks infected with a virus that allows you to see a ghost girl. There are molded, black, goop monsters that all look like 3rd rate regenerators or lickers. No old characters, other than Chris, don't show up until the near end.

Ninja Gaiden 3/Razor Edge - Ryu gets infected with a curse, kills the guy (who was brainwashed in to giving Ryu said curse) and fights a giant Goddess statue powered by the daughter of the man who gave him the curse.

Bioshock Infinite - A shallow use of commentary on racism, politics, and story far up its own ass with some of the worst use of time travel I have ever seen.

Fortnite - Most kids don't know there is a PvE mode. Also, it's the new COD in the sense of these whippersnappers don't play anything else only to impress their peers or friends.

Silent Hill: Shatter Memories - A remake of the first game based off the Bad+ ending. There is no combat and the game tests the psychology of players. It ironically was the prelude to walking simulators in a certain way.

Dead or Alive 6 - A worse version of DOA5.

Mortal Kombat (any installment)
People kill each other over and over but no one ever dies, there's some extra dimension that keeps trying to invade earth with 4-armed monsters but always lose somehow, everyone likes Subzero.

Soul Reaver
So I've never actually played this game, but I've watched my brother play it several times, so I can actually tell you everything about it. It's a fantastic game, I just don't personally like to play puzzle games much, and the story is obviously the best part and I've seen it all.

Half Life
Gordon Freeman is a mute mechanic or something but is strangely good at killing aliens, and it's either the most overrated or the most underrated game in history.

Dalisclock:

Johnny Novgorod:

Metal Gear Solid

You play as Snake, who is either a clone, the son or some kind of homunculus taken from another guy called Snake, whom you kill in the MSX game and then reappears in the second one but then turns out there was a Snake and a double also called Snake.

That's honestly not a bad description. I'm only surprised that you didn't mention "NANOMACHINES!" and the fact almost all the bosses are essentially comic book villains.

I know there's two recurring jokes (how intentional or unintentional the comedy is in these is a mystery to me but I lean towards unintentional) about dialogue: the word nanomachines comes up a lot, and Snake will repeat the last couple of words he is told in the form of a question.

Undertale

You have to only play it one way and know everything that will happen, even though you're supposed to play it blind.

Johnny Novgorod:

Dalisclock:

Johnny Novgorod:

Metal Gear Solid

You play as Snake, who is either a clone, the son or some kind of homunculus taken from another guy called Snake, whom you kill in the MSX game and then reappears in the second one but then turns out there was a Snake and a double also called Snake.

That's honestly not a bad description. I'm only surprised that you didn't mention "NANOMACHINES!" and the fact almost all the bosses are essentially comic book villains.

I know there's two recurring jokes (how intentional or unintentional the comedy is in these is a mystery to me but I lean towards unintentional) about dialogue: the word nanomachines comes up a lot, and Snake will repeat the last couple of words he is told in the form of a question.

Also true.

-There's also the wierd recurring use of "Kept you Waiting, huh?" or some variant on being late
-The Cardboard box shows up from the very beginning of the series and towards the end gets a bit ridiculous. One of the games had a small tank made out of a cardboard box(Snake instantly falls in love with it), which is sadly only useful in co-op.
-Retcons galore. Practically every major plot point in the series will get altered or retconned by a later game in the series, which is wierd considering how much the games reference each others plots/characters.

Assassin's Creed: Syndicate

The first Assassin's Creed to let you choose between a male and female character.

Assassin's Creed: Odyssey

The first Assassin's Creed to let you choose between a male and female character.

Mobile game time.

Darkness Rises

You fight orcs, then a witch.

(This a is a great game for those with a high-powered cellphone)

TheVampwizimp:
Half Life
Gordon Freeman is a mute mechanic or something but is strangely good at killing aliens, and it's either the most overrated or the most underrated game in history.

Half Life
It's like Duke3d only more advanced, less puerile and they never brought out the long promised next one. And there's crowbars?

Crusader Kings II:
Look at a map of Europe and slowly become Caligula

X-Blades:
Stare at a woman's buttcheeks while playing God-of-War-but-worse

Spore:
Play a boring sandbox game within a shallow RTS within an-even-more-shallow survival game.

Johnny Novgorod:
Assassin's Creed: Syndicate

The first Assassin's Creed to let you choose between a male and female character.

Assassin's Creed: Odyssey

The first Assassin's Creed to let you choose between a male and female character.

Ubisoft:Double Diversity points!
(Shoos AC: Liberation quietly out the back entrance)

The Rogue Wolf:
Undertale

You have to only play it one way and know everything that will happen, even though you're supposed to play it blind.

Interestingly, you actually can't change the entrance on your first playthrough. You can only access the good/bad ending on the new game +.

Everything I know about:

Mass Effect

It's Star Trek and nobody liked the ending.

Shenmue

QTE: The Game. Also you're looking for sailors.

Undertale

Don't kill anything.

Dalisclock:

The Rogue Wolf:
Undertale

You have to only play it one way and know everything that will happen, even though you're supposed to play it blind.

Interestingly, you actually can't change the entrance on your first playthrough. You can only access the good/bad ending on the new game +.

Not entirely accurate. You can go Genocide, Neutral, or anything in between on your first playthrough. However, if you're going for Pacifist and you didn't kill anyone on your Neutral run you can actually just reload the Neutral save and tie up the loose ends on it.

Asita:

Dalisclock:

The Rogue Wolf:
Undertale

You have to only play it one way and know everything that will happen, even though you're supposed to play it blind.

Interestingly, you actually can't change the entrance on your first playthrough. You can only access the good/bad ending on the new game +.

Not entirely accurate. You can go Genocide, Neutral, or anything in between on your first playthrough. However, if you're going for Pacifist and you didn't kill anyone on your Neutral run you can actually just reload the Neutral save and tie up the loose ends on it.

Wierd. I'd heard you were locked into neutral on your first run, but maybe that was wrong.

Johnny Novgorod:

Shenmue

QTE: The Game. Also you're looking for sailors.

Shenmue: You're looking for the guy who killed your dad. You spend most of 2 games doing busywork to pass the time and then go for a long walk and then the game ends. Cue long wait for the final game.

Final Fantasy XIII: 20 hours of running through a very pretty tunnel, broken up by cutscenes. At some point the game opens up, but by that point the game is almost over.

Bloodborne: You play as a doctor in a race against time to save the world from a blood born virus that threatens to wipe out the human race.

Blur: A walking simulator which takes you through the career of a British rock band.

Command & Conquer 3 -- Apparently the best game in the franchise. There is Kane (he's angry or something) and there are aliens maybe.

Command & Conquer 4 -- Oh hell no.

Amnesia: The Dark Descent -- You escape, can't look at the monsters, you might go crazy, somewhere in the dark a young man is screaming in Swedish.

Any 3D Mario game -- Best games ever made. Nintendo has never failed. The brightest example is Sunshine. Brings out the "child" in "manchild".

GTA V -- Rich guy, black guy and crazy guy walk into a bank. They're robbing it. Stunts, skydiving, janitoral duty, misogyny, a popular roleplay destination on Twitch.

Doki Doki Literature Club -- Fun game let's your read books and game files. Just one girl to interact with but it should be enough to dig it.

Pokemon: Capture, breed and train animals before pitting them against one another to the death. But without being a Pikey.

Metroid Other M

Samus sees a pterodactyl and has a meltdown.

Senua's Sacrifice

Something about mental illness.

Fallout 76

There's nothing to do, apparently?

Terraria

2D Minecraft

Zelda: Spirit Tracks

Link and Tetra/Zelda from Wind Waker no longer sail the seas, but find land and ride trains.

Dalisclock:

Asita:

Dalisclock:

Interestingly, you actually can't change the entrance on your first playthrough. You can only access the good/bad ending on the new game +.

Not entirely accurate. You can go Genocide, Neutral, or anything in between on your first playthrough. However, if you're going for Pacifist and you didn't kill anyone on your Neutral run you can actually just reload the Neutral save and tie up the loose ends on it.

Wierd. I'd heard you were locked into neutral on your first run, but maybe that was wrong.

Pretty sure you can get genocide the first run, but it's not commonly done because it requires killing everyone, which players often don't know (or know how to achieve) the first time around.

You absolutely cannot get pacifist on the first playthrough, however. What I refer to is a...exploit? Simply put, while you cannot get a True Pacifist ending on your first playthrough, you don't have to start a new game from scratch after beating the final boss and getting the neutral ending (provided nobody was killed in your save file). Beating the boss globally unlocks the content you need to complete to get the True Pacifist ending, and the game doesn't overwrite your file after you beat it. So you can just reload the mostly completed neutral run from before the boss fight, complete the extra content, and then go to the final confrontation again.

Resident Evil series

Exactly not the same as the movie series starring Milla Jovovich.

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