Everything you know about a game you've never actually played

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT
 

The Last of Us
It's like the Walking Dead with budget! But your main duo is white. There are also zombies! But they're more weird mushroom things really.
Also the MAN was the REAL monster all along! That stays the same.

Prey
You play as a native american kidnapped by the aliens. Or an asian(?) guy(?) playing prop hunt with the aliens? It's all very confusing.

Metal Gear Solid
Metal Gear? A surveillance camera? Gray Fox? You're that ninja! Hnrh... Colonel. I try to sneak round the oil platform but i'm DUMMY THICC and the clapping of my ass cheeks Just like one of my japanese animes! Snake? Psycho Mantis? Hot Coldman. Snake! The Boss. Big Boss. Revolver Ocelot. Revolver Ocelot. You're... pretty good. Metal Gear?! HERE? SNAAAAAAAAAAKE! LIQUIIIIIIIIIIID! BROTHEEEEEEEEEEERRRRR! La Li Lu Le Lo. The Patriots. Meryl. Zanzibarland. Raiden? Diamond Dogs. The Motherbase. S.K.U.L.L.S. Parasite Unit? They played us like a damn FIDDLE! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO? Careful Boss, they're just kids. Kaz, i'm already a demon. You can feel it too, don't you? Give back our past. This is good, isn't it?

Sonic- its the biggest punching bag in gaming history

The wonderful 101: a game about many tiny superheroes (possibly 101 of them) that had a button prompt ending, commercially failed real hard and left to stagnate under the placid Waters of the Wii U platform, but was good and made people sad, possibly resulting in more suicides.

Beyond two souls: creepy developer creeps on and out Ellen Page. The only game I refused as a free. Mainly cos watching it LP'd is essentially the only positive version of the experience.

Black Mirror: it's definitely totally one hundred percent not the brilliant TV show.

Road Rage: No, it's not Road Rash, Road Redemption, Road Rules, Road Rambles or Road Rickets. It's worse than even Road Kill. Oops, typed 'road' too much and now it looks wonky.

Lovecraft versus Tesla: it's, well...that, am left to assume.

Metal gear solid 4: it's an ending but also a movie, also narratively frustrating. But I will never truly know because Konami won't allow it on PS4.

Crypt of the necrodancer: dance! No, not literally, idiot! Press buttons to the music while the game presses buttons to music too, and whoever presses the buttons the most conformist gets to feel like they may have danced in between all that violent bloodshed.

Sims pets: can't be trusted with real animals? This is for youuuu!

New fire emblems: can't be trusted with real kids? weeeell...

Neurotic Void Melody:

Metal gear solid 4: it's an ending but also a movie, also narratively frustrating. But I will never truly know because Konami won't allow it on PS4.

Nanomachines. Nanomachines? NANOMACHINES! RETCON! RETCON!

Big Boss. Big Boss? Big BOSS!

Johnny poops his pants a bunch. Ocelot is hilariously hammy. Snake is old and feels old. Raiden goes full anime because it RAINED THE DAY HE WAS BORN!

Also, Some Metal Gears with chicken legs.

There, you're caught up. You're welcome.

Crypt of the Necrodancer
It's a dungeon crawler but also a rythem game. Apparently it's pretty fun.

Minecraft

A massive freeform sim where anything can be done and there's zombies. It looks super primitive but that's part of the charm.

Dwarf Fortress
Minimalist interface/graphics about draves killing themselves hilariously, mostly due to the player not considering things like lava and such. Apparently really fun though.

Rimworld
Like Dwarf Fortress but with sci-fi on a randomly generated planet. Apparently it's super easy to starve/die.

Detriot: Beyond Human
Do robots have emotions? Are emotions peoples? Do Robots=Peoples?

Beyond Two Souls
Cage Creeps on Ellen Page beyond the scenes. Ellen Page Cries a lot on screen. Everyone in the game hates Ellen page and wants to harm/rape her in game because reasons, to give her reasons to cry all the time.

Dalisclock:
Nanomachines. Nanomachines? NANOMACHINES! RETCON! RETCON!

Big Boss. Big Boss? Big BOSS!

Johnny poops his pants a bunch. Ocelot is hilariously hammy. Snake is old and feels old. Raiden goes full anime because it RAINED THE DAY HE WAS BORN!

Also, Some Metal Gears with chicken legs.

There, you're caught up. You're welcome.

Aw, now that seems like the kind of nonsense a few bottles of wine and a like-minded friend could transform into worthwhile entertainment. And Raiden always came off as the type of character who would channel seasonal affective disorder when it suits him.

Neurotic Void Melody:

Dalisclock:
Nanomachines. Nanomachines? NANOMACHINES! RETCON! RETCON!

Big Boss. Big Boss? Big BOSS!

Johnny poops his pants a bunch. Ocelot is hilariously hammy. Snake is old and feels old. Raiden goes full anime because it RAINED THE DAY HE WAS BORN!

Also, Some Metal Gears with chicken legs.

There, you're caught up. You're welcome.

Aw, now that seems like the kind of nonsense a few bottles of wine and a like-minded friend could transform into worthwhile entertainment. And Raiden always came off as the type of character who would channel seasonal affective disorder when it suits him.

Honestly, The gameplay is pretty good for a fair bit of the game and the boss fights aren't bad either, but the game is overloaded with cutscenes that last way too long and don't say enough for their running time. I sat through them patiently, most of the time waiting for something interesting or insightful, and was often disappointed.

The only real standouts were the times Ocelot was on sceen being the worlds largest ham, which was more then enough to keep me going. And of course, the final fight at the end where Snake and Ocelot have a no holds barred brawl which is truly amazing(it really helps that at each stage of the battle, an iconic piece of music from the previous MGS games plays and the moveset shifts to reflect that particular game).

Kojima really just needs a damn editor. Someone to tell him to rein it in every so often so the cutscenes don't drag on past the point they were trying to make.

No mans sky

It's super pretty and you can explore the entire galaxy however you want. You'll spend a majority of that time finding fuel, looking for resources, running back and forth between resource clusters and your ship, mostly because the amount of inventory space you have on both you and your ship is far too small so it becomes very grindy, new, vastly more expensive ships do not help the storage problem much and all the planets are fairly similar.

But now theres base building and freighters and such. So there's that.

Outer Wilds

It's like Majoras Mask but with a spaceship made of duct tape and lumber in a very small solar system that's apparently very interesting.

Blasphemous

It's not out yet so nobody has played it , but anyway. It looks like the creators said "What if Dark Souls but 2d? And then make it look spanish and insert about 500% more catholic symbolism?"

Also, the twist is probably "God is Evil". Because that's always the twist when a Catholic-style Religion is in a video game("God is Dead/Powerless" is the 2nd most common) I will be quite shocked if this isn't the case.

Resident Evil

Umbrella makes zombies for some reason that presumably is meant to make a profit but I have no clue how that works, and they keep doing it despite how poorly it keeps ending for them. Ada Wong is a spy. Albert Wesker is a bad guy(apparently this was a surprise in the first one). Jill is apparently thick as a brick. Apparently there's a weird midget napoleon dude in 4. 2, 4 and 7 are apparently pretty good, 6 is apparently awful and then there's some side games.

American McGee's Alice: Alice is cuckoo for coco puffs and goes back to Wonderland which is now corrupted by her mental illness. Runs on Quake 3 and has weird weapons that look like toys.

Zelda Breath of the Wild: Sandbox Zelda with breakable weapons. Sandbox meaning the structured narrative that Zelda is known for is completely fucked and difficulty curve is nonexistent unless you go straight from the beginning to the final boss like a total tryhard.

Fortnite: Battle Royale with construction and cel shaded graphics. Also the source of several overdone dance memes that make me want to shoot everyone who does them in the scrotum.

Mario Odyssey: Something something something hats. All the hats.

Suikoden: Final Fantasy, Konami Style. Stars of Destiny. Also, a sociopathic anime weeb created an otherkin cult based around the first game.

Inazuma1:
American McGee's Alice: Alice is cuckoo for coco puffs and goes back to Wonderland which is now corrupted by her mental illness. Runs on Quake 3 and has weird weapons that look like toys.

Zelda Breath of the Wild: Sandbox Zelda with breakable weapons. Sandbox meaning the structured narrative that Zelda is known for is completely fucked and difficulty curve is nonexistent unless you go straight from the beginning to the final boss like a total tryhard.

Fortnite: Battle Royale with construction and cel shaded graphics. Also the source of several overdone dance memes that make me want to shoot everyone who does them in the scrotum.

Mario Odyssey: Something something something hats. All the hats.

Suikoden: Final Fantasy, Konami Style. Stars of Destiny. Also, a sociopathic anime weeb created an otherkin cult based around the first game.

What?

bluegate:

Inazuma1:
Also, a sociopathic anime weeb created an otherkin cult based around the first game.

What?

It's true. Look up the Final Fantasy House episode of Down the Rabbit Hole on youtube.

Destiny/Destiny 2

It's a looter shooter with some sci-fi/fantasy lore stuff attached. Peter Dinklege was a drone robot thing and then got replaced by Nolan North. There are grey people which might be aliens or might not be. There are colored engrams and shaders. There was a grind cave for a while people used to grind quickly before it was patched out. It got really good with the Taken King, Apparently. Then they made Destiny 2 and reset everything, and now it's apparently getting good again. Bungie split from EA because reasons and somehow took the IP with them, avoiding getting murdered by Papa Ea in the big Studio mass grave.

Division/Division 2

It's a looter shooter about a post apocalyptic America because of some dollar flu. You kill looters because they're stealing, but you spend most of the time killing people to take their stuff. You work for a secret government/military thing which has sleeper agents everywhere and this is ok and NOT POLITICAL!

Dalisclock:
Destiny/Destiny 2
Bungie split from EA because reasons and somehow took the IP with them, avoiding getting murdered by Papa Ea in the big Studio mass grave.

Activision, not EA.

Zelda Twilight Princess: Link becomes a furry and a deformed munchkin rides him like a pony. Bitch speaks backwards because reasons.

Witcher 2: Geralt gets framed for a political assassination and must clear his name but still finds time in his busy schedule to bone the hottest women in the land. Man's gotta have his priorities.

Blood 2 - The Chosen: Caleb is hunted by a reformed Cabal and kills them in response because that's what he does. Also the Chosen come back for no explained reason. First game released on the Lithtech engine. Game is blatantly unfinished and unfair because Monolith had their heads in the clouds and GT Interactive refused to delay the game since they were being bought out by Infogrames. The end result is a barely functioning train wreck that killed the Blood series. Duke Nukem was forced to pick up the slack but couldn't because George Broussard is a fucking tool.

Halo 4: Master Chief gets called back into action to fight a new alien threat now that an Arbiter led splinter group are trying to reform the Covenant and cut out the corruption from within. Cortana goes Rampant as part of a callback to Bungie's Marathon series despite this game not being developed by Bungie.

From my backlog:

Middle-earth: Shadow of War: It's Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor but with microtransactions.

The Evil Within 2: The protagonist now has a beard and the plot follows one random document from the first game about his wife and kid burning down in a house. The game also goes flat-out Inception with its technology, sapping the horror angle clean.

Batman: Arkham Knight: The final final time [for realsies] Hammill voices the Joker.

inFAMOUS: Second Son: We don't know how to make a sequel to inFAMOUS 2 so let's just ignore it.

Bloodborne: Like Dark Souls but in a Gothic setting.

Nioh: Like Dark Souls but in a Japanese setting.

Inazuma1:

Activision, not EA.

You're right, my bad.

Johnny Novgorod:

Bloodborne: Like Dark Souls but in a Gothic setting.

I'm personally fond of BLUUUUUDDDDDDD Souls.

What's that Smell? It's BLUUUUDDDDDDD.

Pokemon: you trap wild animals inside impossibly small balls, then unleash them to fight other wild animals trapped in impossibly small balls. It's basically dog fighting, except it's kid friendly.

Cthulhu Saves The World: Apparently Cthulhu saves the World.

Dalisclock:
Honestly, The gameplay is pretty good for a fair bit of the game and the boss fights aren't bad either, but the game is overloaded with cutscenes that last way too long and don't say enough for their running time. I sat through them patiently, most of the time waiting for something interesting or insightful, and was often disappointed.

The only real standouts were the times Ocelot was on sceen being the worlds largest ham, which was more then enough to keep me going. And of course, the final fight at the end where Snake and Ocelot have a no holds barred brawl which is truly amazing(it really helps that at each stage of the battle, an iconic piece of music from the previous MGS games plays and the moveset shifts to reflect that particular game).

Kojima really just needs a damn editor. Someone to tell him to rein it in every so often so the cutscenes don't drag on past the point they were trying to make.

Yeah, have been wanting to try it out for a long whiles now due to, well..it being the only Kojima metal gear that's passed me by, and that it is allegedly a far better ending to the series than MGSV. Unfortunately it's not even available on PS now; Sony's streaming "backwards compatibility" service. A service that is best avoided at all costs, but I'd bite the bullet if it was the only way. It's funny, with those extended cutscenes he deadly loves, I remember being really impressed by them during younger years when they felt more unique and weird. Now though, they're more tiring than anything when it's clearer how much nonsense is being dragged out. That said, the compulsion to see what has yet to be seen hasn't faded one bit. Not much hope held for Konami doing anything to help that though, spiteful bastards they are.

Xprimentyl:
Pokemon: you trap wild animals inside impossibly small balls, then unleash them to fight other wild animals trapped in impossibly small balls. It's basically dog fighting, except it's kid friendly.

And this fantasy animal fighting is done by prepubescent children who are free to roam the entire world without supervision and capture creatures which are quite capable of killing them (though they never do, because apparently the creatures want to be captured and trained to fight each other).

The Rogue Wolf:

Xprimentyl:
Pokemon: you trap wild animals inside impossibly small balls, then unleash them to fight other wild animals trapped in impossibly small balls. It's basically dog fighting, except it's kid friendly.

And this fantasy animal fighting is done by prepubescent children who are free to roam the entire world without supervision and capture creatures which are quite capable of killing them (though they never do, because apparently the creatures want to be captured and trained to fight each other).

So, animal cruelty, child neglect, child endangerment and animal Stockholm syndrome. Wow, something for the whole damn family. Sounds ripe for a live-action film with gritty realism; I'd watch that.

David Cage's Omnicron

Bowie's in it.

David Cage's Heavy Rain

Jason? Jason! JASOOOOOOON. Jason.

David Cage's Beyond Two Souls

Ellen Page.

Johnny Novgorod:

David Cage's Heavy Rain

Jason? Jason! JASOOOOOOON. Jason.

Press X to SHAWN

Dark Souls:
Not your daddy's videogame.

Gears of War:
It's on Xbox.

Warhammer 40K:
There're a lot of books and figurines and the lore is kind of a big deal.

Detroit: Become Human
It's Kara, the Game! Emoshuns! And

Gears of War
All around me are familiar faces AWW SH-- SPIDER

Halo
It's Unreal Tournament, with a plot, and a naked blue android AI because reasons.

FFXV - Was originally going to be Versus XIII, but the story kept constantly changing. The main character looks like Sasuke Uchiha. That is not a good thing.

The Last of Us - A pompous zombie game with surprisingly good stealth and survival horror mechanics when playing on the hardest difficulty. Too bad the characters and story are over hyped and not that interesting. Resident Evil has better female characters.

Horizon Zero Dawn - Robot Dinosaurs! A white chick with cornrolls is the main character.

Monster Hunter World - Mixed matched dinosaurs and co-op! There are also dragons to be hunted for meat, clothing/armor, and weapons!

Infamous Second Son - An unnecessary sequel the true ending of the duology.

Prototype 2 - A bad fan fic that derails Alex Mercer. Good thing it is not canon.

Saints Row 3 - No one man should have all that power!

Saints Row 4 - The unofficial sequel to Prototype. There is a Streets of Rage mini game mode in the campaign.

CoCage:
FFXV - Was originally going to be Versus XIII, but the story kept constantly changing. The main character looks like Sasuke Uchiha. That is not a good thing.

Noctis Uchiha is also a guest character in Tekken 7 and his "Ora!" move (b 1+2 I believe,) drives noobie players batshit because it has long range, tracking, and launches. He also has a braindead spammable combo in 2,2,2,2,2,2. No I'm not joking.

CoCage:
Prototype 2 - A bad fan fic that derails Alex Mercer. Good thing it is not canon.

Huh?

I loved Prototype 1 and greatly anticipated 2, but it was ultimately underwhelming insofar as it did very little to advance the IP gameplay-wise and the switch from the antihero Mercer to a strict protagonist in Heller was extremely cognitively dissonant given they were both equally morally ambiguous, but "not canon?" As far as I'm aware, the IP has been iced, so without a Prototype 3 in the wings to right the ship, how do you figure 50% of the "franchise" isn't canon?

And I'd also argue calling it "bad fan fic" isn't quite right; a true fan of everything the first game is wouldn't dream of taking it in the direction the devs actually did. The devs took everything great about the first game (i.e.: amoral, frenetic, psychopathic, visceral, gooey, over-the-top power fantasy) and tried to wrap it in a hero's skin; no one wanted that. Playing as Mercer was fun; playing as Heller, while still mechanically fun, made no sense; the man on a noble revenge quest in the cutscenes did NOT match the ruthless monster the player controlled during gameplay.

Xprimentyl:

CoCage:
Prototype 2 - A bad fan fic that derails Alex Mercer. Good thing it is not canon.

Huh?

I loved Prototype 1 and greatly anticipated 2, but it was ultimately underwhelming insofar as it did very little to advance the IP gameplay-wise and the switch from the antihero Mercer to a strict protagonist in Heller was extremely cognitively dissonant given they were both equally morally ambiguous, but ?not canon?? As far as I?m aware, the IP has been iced, so without a Prototype 3 in the wings to right the ship, how do you figure 50% of the ?franchise? isn?t canon?

And I?d also argue calling it ?bad fan fic? isn?t quite right; a true fan of everything the first game is wouldn?t dream of taking it in the direction the devs actually did. The devs took everything great about the first game (i.e.: amoral, frenetic, psychopathic, visceral, gooey, over-the-top power fantasy) and tried to wrap it in a hero?s skin; no one wanted that. Playing as Mercer was fun; playing as Heller, while still mechanically fun, made no sense; the man on a noble revenge quest in the cutscenes did NOT match the ruthless monster the player controlled during gameplay.

Just so we're clear, I like to pretend to the second game doesn't exist. The term for that is fanon discontinuity. To me, prototype 2 felt like a bad fanfic. let's replace a character we know next to nothing about and we're just supposed to like and assume he's better than Alex Mercer, while derailing the protagonist from their last game. Sounds like bad fanfic territory to me. Everything you described as why I dislike prototype 2. From hell ertz, to streamlining the mechanics and removing alot of the variety and movesets the player could do.

CoCage:

Xprimentyl:

CoCage:
Prototype 2 - A bad fan fic that derails Alex Mercer. Good thing it is not canon.

Huh?

I loved Prototype 1 and greatly anticipated 2, but it was ultimately underwhelming insofar as it did very little to advance the IP gameplay-wise and the switch from the antihero Mercer to a strict protagonist in Heller was extremely cognitively dissonant given they were both equally morally ambiguous, but ?not canon?? As far as I?m aware, the IP has been iced, so without a Prototype 3 in the wings to right the ship, how do you figure 50% of the ?franchise? isn?t canon?

And I?d also argue calling it ?bad fan fic? isn?t quite right; a true fan of everything the first game is wouldn?t dream of taking it in the direction the devs actually did. The devs took everything great about the first game (i.e.: amoral, frenetic, psychopathic, visceral, gooey, over-the-top power fantasy) and tried to wrap it in a hero?s skin; no one wanted that. Playing as Mercer was fun; playing as Heller, while still mechanically fun, made no sense; the man on a noble revenge quest in the cutscenes did NOT match the ruthless monster the player controlled during gameplay.

Just so we're clear, I like to pretend to the second game doesn't exist. The term for that is fanon discontinuity. To me, prototype 2 felt like a bad fanfic. let's replace a character we know next to nothing about and we're just supposed to like and assume he's better than Alex Mercer, while derailing the protagonist from their last game. Sounds like bad fanfic territory to me. Everything you described as why I dislike prototype 2. From hell ertz, to streamlining the mechanics and removing alot of the variety and movesets the player could do.

Ah, gotcha; we're on the same page, except I actually played through P2.

Johnny Novgorod:
Dark Souls:
Not your daddy's videogame.

Ironically, one could make the argument it owes a lot to both Castlevania/Metriodvanias and The Legend of Zelda. Which considering how old both of those series are, would make them "your dads game".

Hell, Bloodborne pratically is a 3D, modern take on Castlevania in everything but name. It even has a creepy haunted castle inhabited by Vampires(Castle Cainhurst).

Street Fighter V

You are only allowed to use one of three characters without enduring massive accusations of using meta (?), overpowered, and "scrub" characters. Also, if you aren't a master of 40 plus string combos with those characters, you will get bodied in seconds.

Dark Souls

I'm apparently not even a REAL GAMER for not playing it. Supposed to be hard.

Smithnikov:
Street Fighter V

You are only allowed to use one of three characters without enduring massive accusations of using meta (?), overpowered, and "scrub" characters. Also, if you aren't a master of 40 plus string combos with those characters, you will get bodied in seconds.

Dark Souls

I'm apparently not even a REAL GAMER for not playing it. Supposed to be hard.

You have to play it AND GIT GUD. If you think it's too hard or use certain OP builds, you're a scrub and unworthy of it's greatness.

Because the challenge is the most important thing about Dark Souls, not the level design, lore, characters atmosphere, etc.

/sarcasm

Dalisclock:

Smithnikov:
Street Fighter V

You are only allowed to use one of three characters without enduring massive accusations of using meta (?), overpowered, and "scrub" characters. Also, if you aren't a master of 40 plus string combos with those characters, you will get bodied in seconds.

Dark Souls

I'm apparently not even a REAL GAMER for not playing it. Supposed to be hard.

You have to play it AND GIT GUD. If you think it's too hard or use certain OP builds, you're a scrub and unworthy of it's greatness.

Because the challenge is the most important thing about Dark Souls, not the level design, lore, characters atmosphere, etc.

/sarcasm

Yea, I don't take accusations of GIT GUD with any grain of salt.

I beat Bayou Billy without cheats. Keep your Dark Souls.

Outer Wilds
Like No Man's Sky, but GOOD.

No Man's Sky
Like Elite: Dangerous, but BAD.

Elite:Dangerous
Like Euro Truck Simulator 2, but in SPACE!

Euro Truck Simulator 2
Like Smokey and the Bandit, but without guns.

American Truck Simulator
Like Smokey and the Bandit.

Assassins creed Odyssey

Like Assassins creed 1 but with more useless gimmicks, a story that will never culminate in a modern day battle between assassins and templars with a assassin trained up by their ancestors knowledge like the original indicated because that would lose them revenue and a big ol bunch of microtransactions.

Smithnikov:

Dalisclock:

Smithnikov:
Street Fighter V

You are only allowed to use one of three characters without enduring massive accusations of using meta (?), overpowered, and "scrub" characters. Also, if you aren't a master of 40 plus string combos with those characters, you will get bodied in seconds.

Dark Souls

I'm apparently not even a REAL GAMER for not playing it. Supposed to be hard.

You have to play it AND GIT GUD. If you think it's too hard or use certain OP builds, you're a scrub and unworthy of it's greatness.

Because the challenge is the most important thing about Dark Souls, not the level design, lore, characters atmosphere, etc.

/sarcasm

Yea, I don't take accusations of GIT GUD with any grain of salt.

I beat Bayou Billy without cheats. Keep your Dark Souls.

But did you beat battletoads?

Trick question. Nobody has beaten battletoads. Apparently the people who made the game can't beat battletoads.

Fieldy409:
Assassins creed Odyssey

Like Assassins creed 1 but with more useless gimmicks, a story that will never culminate in a modern day battle between assassins and templars with a assassin trained up by their ancestors knowledge like the original indicated because that would lose them revenue and a big ol bunch of microtransactions.

Technically that's the entire series, not specific to Odyssey.

I mean, at one point it was supposed to least Desmond becoming the UBERASSASIN but then the guy who created the series left and the planned plot progression went off the rails to allow for endless sequels.

CoCage:
Resident Evil has better female characters.

What, dense and determined? Dense sucks, and determined is just being the protagonist.

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment
Have an account? Login below:
With Facebook:Login With Facebook
or
Username:  
Password:  
  
Not registered? To sign up for an account with The Escapist:
Register With Facebook
Register With Facebook
or
Register for a free account here