Best Tabletop RPG Quotes

Hello out there folks! So I'm assuming a lot of us here have played/still play tabletop RPG's. We all know wacky things happen when you get a bunch of geeks together with too many dice. I wanna know - what's the most ridiculous thing that's ever happened in one of your campaigns? I'll start us off with some lovely snippits from my current Deadlands campaign;

"I'm going to hit the Ark of the Covenant with lightning."
- Joule, our resident SCIENCE machine. It did not end well for us. I do not recommend doing that.

"So how many megadeaths was that?"
-Jack "Manhatten" Smith, our resident atomic bomb. The answer; 5. 5 Megadeaths. And no more Moscow.

My Gurps character when he got his hand on a heavy machine gun and started mowing down everyone.

"How many do of you do I have to kill until I get this treasure? I have 10 shots left in my Plasma Pistol and I don't feel like getting my hands dirty today."

Weiss Belmont, Rogue Trader

" Seems listening to this recording causes people to become corrupt and insane..." " Sigh....Give it to me"

The last one was the response from the resident insanity and corruption sponge. He does not like his job surprisingly

Sneaky Paladin:
The last one was the response from the resident insanity and corruption sponge. He does not like his job surprisingly

Hahahaha it seems that campaigns where this job is required are more awesome. I'm the insanity sponge in our Deadlands campaign. It's fun hahaha.

Until Yogg-Saroth tries to enter reality. Then it's not so fun. >.<

"You can't reason with him."
"Why not?"
"He's a fuggin Malkavian."
"Thatsa reason, no obstacle. Seemed pretty clear to me what he was saying."
"What, youa cctually managed to understand that bullshit?"
"Well, duh? He said if we want to get into the mainframe we need to get on the third floor, ask for a person naked Mike, get the key to the storage from him and look for the passcode hidden somewhere under a crate full of salt."

GM looks at me witha big "wtf?" expression.
Him: "How the FUCK did you do that?"
Me: "Im a tremere, having secrets is my job. So, do I get my exp now?"

I love that I can tell what games people are playing just by the quotes. :D

*A Kobold prepares to attack Dresden the level 1 human Wizard. He absolutely can't take a hit*

Dresden: "Wait, I'm a Kobold!"

*The Kobold makes an attack roll against him. It's a 1*

Me: "... The Kobold is instantly fooled by your clever ruse."

Kobold: "... Wha??" *stops attacking*


*Dresden searches an abandoned Dwarven inn for booby traps*

Dresden: "I search the fireplace for booby traps."

*DM snickers at the prospect of searching for traps in a place people regularly sleep and eat in. Supplies an actual booby*

Me: "You find no traps, but you do find a booby!"

Booby: "Grawk!"

Dresden: "Ahh! A booby!"

Me: "The booby makes eye contact with Dresden. Make a will save."

Dresden: "What!?" *rolls, gets a 5*

Me: "You feel yourself compelled to withdraw the gem you just found from your pocket."

Dresden: "No!"

Me: "Yes! You feel your arm reaching out to the booby, gem in hand. The booby continues to stare, never losing eye contact."

Dresden: "No, no, no, no, NO!" *grabs his arm and tries to pull it back, to no avail.*

Me: "Your hand stops just short of its beak, at which point it gingerly plucks the gem out of your fingers and waddles on its merry way out the door. You are unable to move from that spot until it is completely gone."

Dresden: "..." *falls to his knees* "BOOBEEEEEEEEY! *sobs* If only there'd been a trap there!"


*Dresden enters a room in the upper floor of the inn.*

Dresden: "I open that door."

Me: "Inside, on the table, you see..."

Dresden (interrupting): "That better not be a booby on the table in there!"

Me: "100 EXP for the best out-of-context quote ever."

Dresden: "Woohoo!"

Me: "It's a booby."

Dresden: "D'oh!"

Me: "A STATUE of a booby."

Dresden: "Woohoo!"

Me: "It's alive."

Dresden: "D'oh!"

"You stand before the cave of tits".

Personal favourite of mine.

Me: "I enter the room, and give a polite head nod to the Prince"

DM: "You've got zero etiquette, you wouldn't know to do that"

Me: "...? Um, okay...I don't do that".


Me: "I ask the Tremere Elder "Don't you guys have mind control powers?""

DM: "That's a bad idea, don't say that".

Me: "Ah, but I have the power of zero etiquette, I don't know that's rude".

We are standing around a dying NPC. My character is an unaligned Dwarven Paladin mercenary who worships the Raven Queen. I am also, ironically, multi-classed in cleric and therefore the party healer. Yes, I did this just to be difficult.

Warden: "I'm out of healing skills. Can't you heal him?"

Me: "Nope"

Warden: "Why?!"

Me: "Against my religion."

Warden: "but you healed me!"

Me: "You weren't dying"

Warden: turns to the party "Help me out here"

Three out of the six members of the party are Raven Queen worshipers the other two members are a member of my characters mercenary band and an unaligned Rogue.

Rogue: "Is there anything against looting his body when he dies."

Me: "As long as you don't desecrate the body."

Rogue: "All hail the Raven Queen!"

NPC: [Dies]

DM: [bent over laughing]

After that point the Warden stocked up on healing potions and only healed party members if it was a necessity. Also I feel like I was at the receiving end of quite a few AOE attacks from him marked off as accidents.

"Yes, i said 'moose demon'."


"Stop calling them Schwarzeneggers!!!"
"They're called Terminators, you honestly expect me to NOT make that connection?"
"You play Necrons!!!"

"Why is even playing Necrons if he's new enough to the game to still find that funny?"


Gnome Druid: "Soon i shall rule the WORLD!! AND YOU *looks at a halfling oracle* SHALL BE MY COURT JESTER!"
Human Albino Witch Hunter: "You need to get laid."


"You're an insane elf wizard who thinks he's from beyond time and the cosmos, who committed crimes so heinous the priest walked out during his confessional... and you're lecturing me on morality?"

Me as chaotic neautral rogue, after being pulled down in muddy lake, so i had to loose my treasure, armour and pretty much everything to escape, trying to steal from the chest of our extremely good and righteous paladin- stuff he saves up to give to the temple.

paladin - 'Stop stealing that is not yours, ruffian'
me - 'Shush, you are RUINING IT!'
paladin - ' that money goes to the temple, not to teh weapons so you can kill and steal more from poor folk'
me - telling gm i am rolling a bluff roll against his passive insight while saying - 'Fine, if you need to know, i am taking it to an orphanage, which cators eclusively to orphas i helped to make orphas... i Heard some of them are crippled and that made me feel bad'
DM - 'you're roll is 20.... Paladin now gives over 90% of his gold to you (actuall njumber decided by paladin due to living costs/ect).... But be warned, now there is orphanage somwhere, under your name'

oh ye, on the Dark Heresy, we had our whole party dead during a massive Xeon fleet destroyed our imperial cruser,, they were killed while we were in escape shuttle, they were firing at us.
Only my Imperial guard survived (fun fact, he was as literalte and as learned in lore as our cleric,m with less than half of the will of that =D. Awesme random rolled stats are awesome.) and our tech priest...

Tech priest hd 4 critical wounds (but managed to survive!!!! some lucky rolls were there!), brned torso, missing arm, leg and an eye.
I dont even have a wound (i took 3 damage during whole ordeal)

techpriest in medical bay hooked up to all the machines - 'emperor forsaken our grand galion, we loved Him, and he left us all to die'
Me getting my las-pistol out and putting it to the tech priests head 'Emperor purged the weak willed and unbeliving, but it is we as his children must continue the rites, he initiated'
-pulls trigger-

Cleric is walking down the side of the road til he sees a man and his family in need of help. The man is bleeding and about to die and the small boy begs the cleric for assistance. The cleric kneels down and begins laying his on the wounds of the man. After muttering something under his breath he looks at the boy and snaps the father's neck.
"I was out of spells."

1. Many, many times have I tried to convince the DM to "let us play FATAL". The only time I managed to convice the DM & party was when we were playing 4th edition D&D. FATAL? Much better game.

"I was out of spells."

Just throwing this out there but, that would be completely unnecessary. The cleric could've used a simple heal check (or equivalent) to stabilize the father. Or, if playing Pathfinder, a simple stabilize spell. Can never run out of those!

"Yes, i said 'moose demon'."

Moose demon? Those related at all to the goat elementals I created (to my DM's great displeasure)?

Im currently playing a Human Cleric who worships Avandra. I said this as I guided us down into a nest of Foulspawn.

"My life is a gamble, guided by fate. I could die out here, with you my friends. Our wits, a weapon, and luck are all we have. But thats why I let Her roll the dice..."

- one of my players, on successfully avoiding any damage from the eleven point-blank submachine guns just fired full-auto at him

"Oh my god, Jimmy's in the dragon's mouth! ...Jimmy has a lower AC than the dragon.
- I wasn't present, but heard about it

"...did you just blow up Sailor Jupiter with a thermonuclear suppository?"
- I don't know what was happening

"Jimmy goes...roar."
- had to be there. All in the deadpan inflection.

"Whaddaya mean, 'The tree eats me?!'"

"He doesn't get a second action, because there's no such thing as 'Dance of Shotgun.'"
- Shamelessly stolen


Actually, if you want more, there's a ton at that site.

'Listen but closely Brothers, for my life's breath is all but spent. There shall come a time far from now when our Chapter itself is dying, even as I am now dying, and our foes shall gather to destroy us. Then my children, I shall listen for your call in whatever realm of death holds me, and come I shall, no matter what the laws of life and death forbid. At the end I will be there. For the final battle. For the Wolftime.

-Last words of Leman Russ, Primarch of the Space Wolves

"Just throwing this out there but, that would be completely unnecessary. The cleric could've used a simple heal check (or equivalent) to stabilize the father. Or, if playing Pathfinder, a simple stabilize spell. Can never run out of those!"

If you're limited to choosing 3-0 level spells at the beginning of the session and don't take stabilize and use up all your level 1 spells and not have the "heal" skill, then NO, it's actually very necessary to just kill the man out of remorse to end his suffering.

One of our ongoing jokes is that one person (Tony) always seems to end up making useless characters. They're interesting for RP purposes, but in combat they always fumble everything up. And then die within the next 2 sessions.

Luke - "When you're turned to stone and it does it again, it's permanent."
David - "Good news, if you're stone, I can shape it."
Josh - "So can you shape Tony into a useful character?"
David - " ... even my powers aren't that great."

But the funniest thing to happen in game? Probably what's going on recently; we were sent to a village to take over it. It was supposed to take us one, maybe two sessions. We've spent five (or more) working on corrupting the youth, undermining the guards, stealing pigs and declaring them sacred (what?), and cannibalizing the defenses. Our DM has pretty much given up on the plot, and is letting us run with this instead.

So the party was creeping through a dungeon well known by now for a garrison of hobgoblins. We had discovered a barracks of theirs, and had hatched a plan to saturate the chamber floor remotely with flammable oil, ignite said oil, and thus improve our situation with respects to confronting whatever hostile hobgoblins might occupy the discovered barracks via massive fire damage and smoke inhalation.

Truly large volumes of oil were poured. Fire was introduced. Burning, smoke, and screams followed. At the culmination of what we had done a single, thoroughly charred hobgoblin individual rolled pathetically through the barracks door into the midst of the waiting party.

Quoth the halfling rogue:

"Are you alright?! We saw what happened!!"

My Barbarian character was humiliated post-mortem when he said "Those are just knives!!!" as he was attacked by 10 small trolls in a swedish game called "Drakar och Demoner" (Dragons and Demons). I was new to that game and didn't know it had a more realistic take on combat and my "cool" barbarian armed with one mace and one axe didn't stand a chance.

I still hear that quote from friends, but atleast I'm not the only one who makes those kind of failures! hehe.


The party just cleared most of a castle we shouldn't have been able to (great rolls, GM fumbles, and some fairly dirty tactics) and only had one room in the basement that we hadn't checked. It was the only doorway at the end of a narrow hall in a basement. Our rogue opens the door a crack, checks the room and then closes the door. We go back out to the main room and he says, "there's a Beholder in there." None of us were any more than level 5, we really had no chance. But we wanted that castle for ourselves for a base. So we held a strategy meeting, discussing possible ways we could defeat the Beholder. Our cleric asks the GM, "How narrow is the Narrow hallway?" Our GM answered, and then our cleric goes upstairs for a minute, comes down with a piece of parchment and walks down the hallway. We all hear him hammering on the door. We all draw our weapons and wait at the end of the hall, and out comes our cleric again who calmly says "problem solved."

"How?" We all ask.

"A beholder won't fit down that hallway, so I put up a sign."

"What does it say?"


And we got our castle. When one npc asked, "what did you do about the Beholder in the basement." We simply replied "we just don't go down there."

Oh boy where to start. Many shenanigans at our table.

1. We are at a Pathfinder lodge in the middle of an exposition dump with an important NPC.

NPC: "We haven't seen anything like this before. The biggest thing that keeps the mountain orcs in check is that they are always fighting among themselves, but now they are organizing into a singular group. This is incredibly dangerous."

ME: The orcs are organizing? So would you say they are ORCANIZING?

Table: BOOOO.

2. We just got done with a series of incredibly hard scraps in the slums of a large city. It's too dangerous to try and get back to our home base in the industrial sector at night so we hole up in a local tavern. The place is an absolute dump by normal standards, and is run by the local crime boss and his gang. Thanks to past events of mutual interest we are in his good graces so we decide to crash for the night. My Swashbuckler, who I affectionately called "The Dandy", heads downstairs to the bar to relax after a long night of ass kicking.

Me: I walk into the bar. Are there any beautiful women around?

DM: Yes, there are many. This place is a central gathering point for the area's bustling prostitution ring. Many are here waiting to ply their trade on the local customers.

Me: Awesome. I sit down and buy them all drinks. *the DM gives me a disapproving look* I do it POLITELY. Making polite conversation and engaging them like a gentleman. And I do so with the grace of a *I roll a die* THIRTY TWO Diplomacy roll.

DM: Alright. Well, the women are incredibly flattered by your grace. You have a great night in the bar with them. You are so well received, in fact, that a cleric of Callistria (goddess of the prostitutes) who is the head of the brothel takes notice of your wounds and casts Cure Moderate Wounds on you twice. In addition *he rolls a die*, four of them are willing to sleep with you free of charge.

Me: Fuck yeah Diplomacy.

From then on it was an ongoing gag that when it came to dealing with women I not once rolled lower than 30 on a Diplomacy check, as befitting my high Charisma ladies man Swashbuckler. He basically blew the panties off every woman he spoke to.


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