The Escapist SF IV Throwdown: Round Two

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Round Two in in The Escapist Staff Street Fighter IV Throwdown is complete! Keane Ng vs. Logan Westbrook, Tom Endo vs. John Funk - two men win, two men lose, and there's only one more round left to go.

Keane Ng and Tom Endo report on the battles:

image vs. image


Let me tell you all something about your precious Nilcypher. For all his posturing and banhammer waving, the guy scares easy. In fact, he was running away from me before I even laid a finger on him in the first round.

Round 1. FIGHT! And there he went. Jumping backwards in the air like he believed that if he did it enough he could reverse time to back before he'd ever stepped up to The King (yeah I just gave myself a nickname, what of it). Fortunately for him, I'd decided to use Bison, thinking before the match that he might actually play up Vega's aerial mobility against my Sagat. A crucial part of my Bison game is punishing forward jumps with the Headstomp - since Logan decided he was going to do the exact opposite, for a moment I was stuck wondering what to do.

I started to hit him while he was coming down to the ground with some Scissor Kicks, Bison's boots planting firmly in Vega's face each time. Ever wonder what Bison's shoe size is? Ask Logan. Eventually he got wise (or at least appeared to), as he'd hit me while I was crouching with Vega's claw swipes, and I'd be in such shock that he even managed to touch The King that he'd score a couple more good slashes. That ended quickly enough, and a few throws and a Psycho Crusher ended the first match.

Ready for another round of backwards leapfrog, I dove into Match 2, but Logan threw something of a curveball. He chose Akuma. Bison possessing god-like power and Akuma having some of the lowest stamina in the game, round one went to me easy. Halfway through Round 2, though, I suddenly remembered something Logan had told me. "I like Akuma because his Ultra is easy to pull off." And then it happened. Somehow he managed to land a Raging Demon on me.

I put my face in my palms and shook my head at how blind I could have been and how lucky he was. Next round, I would have him in the palm of my hands. I got his health down until he had full Ultra. Knowing that he'd flip out trying to pull off another Raging Demon, I backed off, ready to pounce. I was right. Logan's Akuma zoomed toward me with all the ignorant glee of a kid on a Slip N Slide. He really thought he was going to land another Demon, wasn't he? What a chump, I thought, as I jumped upward, dodged his attack, landed behind him and tossed him to the ground. Game over.

If I can fake out the banhammer, I can fake the Funk. Break out the confetti. This one's in the bag, people.

Keane wins!

image vs. image


Sometimes losing is worth it. It's especially worth it when you have to play against slow-as molasses-on-a-winter's-day John Funk.

Allow me to recap the first round for you. .........Hadoken. Yes, John Funk may be the best dodger in the history of the Street Fighter series. Unfortunately that's all he does and after twenty minutes of this in the first match I was yawning, pulling off insane combos with one hand only to have him dodge away and throw a sissy fireball here and there.

Call it strategic fighting on his part; all I know is that no amount of glory was worth this pain. So did I throw the battle? Yes. There was, however, no way I was going to chase around a school girl past the beginning of the Brett Michaels True Hollywood Story.

In an effort to lose as quickly as possible, I started playing with one hand while I finished making dinner. Somehow, I accidentally took a round from him, which drew out the first match even longer. Finally, we got to the second match. At that point he grew a pair, and even felt brave enough to do a super combo. With his new found confidence, we managed to finish the whole thing in just under 2 hours.

As a side note, I'll list the things I accomplished in 2 hours with one hand: Made chicken stir fry, read an article on hedge funds, emailed my parents, vacuumed the floor, played loco roco on the PSP.

John Funk's fighting style is an abomination. And I, for one, refuse to support him in his efforts to water down an otherwise fine fighting game. That said, Keane and Funk are both wimps of the same feather so they'll probably have a pretty good match.

Funk wins!

Final Round (Friday 13th):

Keane vs. Funk
Tom vs. Logan

Choose Your Fighter!
Round One!

Endo! You're killing me man! I've got my house on this competition! (By house I mean shiny new badge) At least try damn it! You've made a grown man cry, now my beard is all wet. Also, salty.
Damn, should have gone with the favourite, it's always safer, even if I do love an underdog story.

You know what Logan?

I'll never vote for you again, from now on I'll always vote for Keane!

Keane! You amazing bastard!

Ouch. Right in the badge :(

Ha ha! That's right, Keane! You're tha King! Or should I say "keang"? Allright. I think that fits quite well =D
You see, kids? This is why I stuck with Keane from the beginning =D

Keane? Nilcypher actually managed to get Akuma's ultra through?

That's it. I'm disinheriting you.

Keane, you've disappointed me, I thought Logan had it in the bag! Guess my loyalty was misplaced, I'll never fear the Hammer again. Maybe I'll start hanging around the newsroom forums a bit more...

[/sucking_up] :D

Curses! Logan is letting his fans down :*( Ex sky high claw your way to success lad!

*cough*head stomps for girls*cough*

Logan how dare you, you are using thé most awsoming fighting character Ever and still you manage to lose twice.

Yay Keane!!!

Hey, if Tom is willing to admit he lost to Hadoken spam by Sakura, whose Hadoken is the least effective in the game (other than Dan's), by all means. Go ahead, Tom.

Keep it up Keane! My cynical mind thinks the way you write about the game with concern for technical strategies gives me great confidence of a shiny winners badge for myself.

Why, oh why did I have to vote for Nilcypher! I only picked him because Vega's my #3 fighter behind Cammy and Akuma. :( Logan, if your reading this, quit buffing your Banhammer and get back to practicing!

there you go keane

What did I tell you people? Your soul - His mouth.

All I ask is that you use listerine afterwards, Keane.

Go Funk!, I've got a three WoW gamecards going on this! (Yes that is more precious to me then houses or cars)

Yeah! Go Keane! I knew it!

Another one down...good work Keane.

Haha! You can't stop the Funk!

Woe Is You:
Keane? Nilcypher actually managed to get Akuma's ultra through?

That's it. I'm disinheriting you.

It came outta nowhere, it was like seeing an ostrich fly, I was just too awestruck to react.

I can almost hear the sweet, sweet tinkling of a victory badge coming gleefully my way. Bad figurative language aside, I feel like dancing. *Brandishes furiously victory pom poms*

Wow. I knew sakura was awesome, but i never realised that she was THAT awesome. Hell yeah baby! Go with the funk!


Your overconfidence shall be your undoing.

I forgot who I voted for, but goddamnit they better win, whoever they are.

Nilcypher, how could you lose? You should have let your glorious beard guide you!

It is shamefull how many bearded men have yet to master beard-fu.

That's the last time I vote for someone just because they share my birth sign, why Logan why?

Logan you are really pissing me off.


Your overconfidence shall be your undoing.

The King isn't overconfident, he's just right.

Nil, you're going to make me cry. Do you want to see me cry? Cause I will cry if you keep losing.

Haha. The day is Keane's!

Keane Ng:

Woe Is You:
Keane? Nilcypher actually managed to get Akuma's ultra through?

That's it. I'm disinheriting you.

It came outta nowhere, it was like seeing an ostrich fly, I was just too awestruck to react.

Lolz I Liked the ostrich flying part :D

Haha. The day is Keane's!


Heh. Funk, if you win on my birthday, I'll send you money. Of course, I don't know your address and I'm only giving you mine if you send me money first. But it's the thought that counts right.

Also, I'm going to say how awesome your name is at the end of every post of mine relating to you or the staff.

The name 'Funk' is awesome.

Move along.

Yeah Keane "The King" Ng! I had faith in you man! Win me the good badge!

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